U.N. solves both the food and population crisis
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 14, 2008
The director of the United Nations (U.N.) World Food Programme said yesterday that the combination of bad weather and continued world population growth is creating grain shortages and that new creative approaches to food and population control are necessary. With that in mind the U.N. recently completed a study of cannibalism and found that it’s a tradition extending back throughout modern times to pre-history. The U.N. says it’s time to remove the current stigma against cannibalism and return to those simpler times when humans ate humans, saying it will instantly increase food availability and slash population growth at the same time.
“With the social stigma against eating each other so pronounced in world society today, it’s no wonder people have stopped counting on each other as a food source and are left starving,” said Hannibal Lecter, Director of the U.N.’s New Food Resources Project, a soft spoken man with a bit of flesh stuck between his teeth. “Cannibalism has gone on for century’s but is looked down on for silly social and religious reasons. On occasion when people were truly hungry, like the Donner party in the Sierra Nevada mountains, they turned to consuming one another having realized that starvation was a silly outcome when they could eat a few of themselves. The same situation exists in the world today: too many people and not enough food. Once we toss off the stigma about eating men, women and children, suddenly we have an enormous food supply! People need to wake up to the new possibilities!”
Not everyone is comfortable with killing and eating other human beings. “It doesn’t seem right somehow, consuming the flesh of the people around us,” said Queasy Ethicist, a short fellow who eats a lot of Rolaids and has a perpetual furrow in his brow. “I can’t argue that there would certainly be an expanded food supply if people were considered food stuffs. Even third world nations in the midst of drought conditions would have instant access to a new food source. But it’s not right. We can’t just eat one another. If we’re okay with it, where does it stop? We might start treating life as less valuable and even start killing unborn children. Oh that’s right, we already do that. Well … I’m not too fast on my feet and if cannibalism means capturing the slow guys I could be in trouble. That’s a good enough reason to prohibit it I think.”
The U.N. is warning of a food shortage crisis and drawing up plans for food rationing which it says will hit even middle-class suburban populations as inflation and economic uncertainty causes the prices of staple food commodities to skyrocket. The United Nation’s World Food Programme cautions that if it doesn’t receive more funding, it may have to halt food aid to developing countries like Mexico and China. Global food prices have skyrocketed by as much as 60 per cent in the past year, and U.N. officials warn of the likelihood of food riots in some countries. Evolutionists say that it’s all part of the cycle of life and nothing to worry about.
“The theory of evolution is built on the concept of survival of the fittest and it’s important that we understand that the sick and the weak will perish first, and that’s just fine,” said Charles Darwin, a fossil collector and part-time cannibal who believes that everything eats everything. “The U.N. project makes a lot of sense and cannibalism is a fine thing. We’ll catch the slow and weak for lunch and trap the stupid for dinner. Do you have any idea just how vast the food supply is when we start consuming each other? The only thing in the way is silly religious people and ethicists and they’re always in the way of scientific advancement like evolution, abortion and indiscriminate killing and eating of folks we know. Let’s eat them first. Think of it, by eating moralists we instantly add to the food supply, reduce population growth and get rid of trouble-makers! I’m salvating just thinking about it!”
In related news, U.S. Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi said that the U.N. cannibal initiative seems a bit drastic. “Still,” she reportedly said, “feeding all the Republicans to kids in China is a good place to start. There might be something to this idea after all.”
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