Daily Archives: March 17, 2008

Obama to Wear Lapel Pin When Proud of Country

It will take the presidency

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with pretzels)
March 17, 2008

U.S. Senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama, the man running on a platform of change and against the “old politics of division,” is dividing Americans as he argues that it’s not patriotic to wear a flag lapel pin.  Obama’s wife announced at two rally’s in Wisconsin in February that she had never been proud of America in her life, until the voters’ recent support of the Obama for President Campaign.  The Senator himself says that he’s still not proud enough of America to wear a flag on his lapel, but if he’s elected president and can reshape the country into his vision of it, he just might try one on.

“The United States of America is not Africa and as a member of Trinity church in Chicago, that makes me unable to wear lapel pins with American flags on them.  You see it’s against my religion,” said candidate Obama, referring to his church, Trinity United Church of Christ’ and its 10-Point vision in the About section at tucc.org.  “I admit that on occasion I’ve worn the pins of various causes on my lapel, but that’s different.  I support what those pins represent.  I don’t support what the U.S. represents today, that’s why it’s so important that I become president and change America.  If and when I get that done, then I might consider wearing an American flag lapel pin.  Of course it may look different then.”

Most Americans agree that it’s important that what a candidate does, reflects what they believe in.  “Actions speak louder than words.  Too many politicians say things that they don’t believe or have no intention to follow through with, and I’m tired of that,” said E. Gervoter, an American with a desire for change of any kind at any cost.  “The fact that Obama is running on a platform of change and won’t wear an American flag pin makes a lot of sense.  No one should be allowed to brow beat him into pretending he likes the country today.  His politics are to the left of Teddy Kennedy and he wants to announce that we lost the war in Iraq and pull our troops out; he wants to increase taxes to all Americans except those who don’t currently pay any; he wants the U.S. to donate $845 billion per year to the U.N. above what we contribute now, so the U.N. can distribute it to other countries.  His economic reform plan means basically taking what we have and giving it to others.  These things are not what’s reflected in the flag pin of today which is all mucked up with freedom for the oppressed and defense of our way of life.  There’s no way he can support that or wear the silly pin.”

Recently Senator Obama has come under fire by some pro-American people in the United States over the refusal of the potential Commander-in-Chief, to wear an American flag pin in his jacket lapel.  These so called “traditional Americans” wonder what troubles Obama about the flag that they believe represents a country conceived in liberty, and that so many Americans died to preserve.  According to a piece in the New York Times, Obama says that he used to wear one but that after 9/11 and the discussion about defending the U.S. by acting militarily in the Middle East, he removed it.  Some people see this, and his wife Michelle’s statement’s in Wisconsin on the heels of Obama election momentum, that “for the first time in my adult lifetime, I’m really proud of my country,” to mean that he’s damn serious when he says he’s all about change.

“Now I’m not saying that Obama is Hitler, nor would I pretend to, but sometimes a guy says what he means, like Adolph did in Mein Kampf.  Adolph said he wanted change and he said the Jews were the big problem and he meant it and backed it up with action,” said Stacy Lacey, a stripper and part time politician known for her bills in Congress backing silicon production.  “Barack says he wants change and he means it.  He says he’ll admit defeat and pull out of Iraq, and he means it.  He says he’ll raise our taxes and will give billions to the United Nations to distribute and he means it.  His voting record shows that he was against the Iraq war when intelligence believed by the U.S. and our allies all said that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction and that they were tied to Al Qaeda.  So the next time there is a credible threat on the U.S. backed by a foreign nation, following a horrific event like the one on 9/11, we can expect President Obama to sit tight and not react to defend us.  Now you have to admit, that would be a change.”

In related news, Iran’s Ahmadinejad, Venezuela’s Chavez and Al Qaeda continue to berate and condemn the current U.S. defense policy and think it’s time for a change.  Interestingly they have withheld comment on Obama’s vision for America.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

Geneticists Replay the Past in Real-Time

Cloned Bulls and Bull Fighters in the Ring

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 17, 2008

The Associated Press reports that the genetic cloning company ViaGen is attempting to clone a line of bulls used in Mexican bull fights.  Mexican ranchers who breed bulls for fighting say most bulls can only sire 40 calves a year and that’s too few to keep up with demand.  And historians of bull fighting say that it’s been tough to keep really great Matador’s around because they quit or bulls kill them.  Scientists now say that by cloning both bulls and Matador’s we’ll be able to watch the world’s most fantastic bull fights in real-time with the real animals and people.  Lovers of bull fights say it’ll be way better than watching the old fights on film or TiVo.  

“Imagine the very best fighting bulls of all time battling it out with the very best Matador’s of all time,” said bull fighting aficionado and part-time vagrant Hecho N. Mexico, waxing lyrical and splashing cow blood on himself like aftershave.  “These are the old world experiences that are now becoming possible thanks to new science.  Dig up the great Matador Manolete for some of his cells and build several of him in the lab.  Scratch the raw cells together from some classic fighting bull breeds like the Jijona and Cabrera and create bulls for the ring.  WWE Steel Cage Matches will go the way of the Dodo bird when we put these cloned bulls and men to battle in one space.”

Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of cloning and even less so for the purpose of bull fighting.  “This is about as terrible an idea as I have ever heard, outside of the last Democrat tax proposal,” said Debbi Lou, an animal rights supporter who deplores using animals for anything, but occasionally has carnal thoughts involving anteaters.  “Leave the animals alone, dead or alive and stop playing around with their cells.  And for crying out loud, quit torturing them in the ring and pampering them like Hindu gods.  Stick with the caged matches between sicko men.  Let them kill each other, but leave the bovines to themselves.”

Alcalde, a hulking black bull, is quite the stud. He sires as many as 40 calves a year, most of them top-grade fighters, even though in human terms he would be almost 80 years old and is near the end of his life.  Victoriano del Rio, a fifth-generation breeder of fighting bulls, cringes at the thought of losing an animal with such good genes. So he is going to clone the 16-year-old bull — an unprecedented marriage of modern technology and the Spanish-speaking world’s ancient, beloved pastime.  ViaGen has cloned about 300 mammals, but this is the world’s first attempt at cloning bulls, the breeders said.  A ViaGen team will collect skin samples from Alcalde in a few weeks and start preparing embryos.  ViaGen executives say it’ll take a little longer to exhume the remains of famous Matadors’.

“Some members of famous Matador’ families don’t like the idea of us digging up their dead relatives and recreating them in the lab,” said ViaGen spokesman Ben Carlson, closely studying pictures in a Playboy magazine, as he remains always on the lookout for possible cloning candidates.  “I think that cloning is a way to recreate the best of past life forms and am a strong advocate of recreating everything good that has died in the past.  Of course the babes in this magazine make me think about more tactile approaches to genetic transfer and I admit I’m open to the idea of other ways of doing things.”

In other news, the UK Soil Association says that it’s working hard to make sure that organic produce flown by aircraft is done so in an ethical manner.  They say that fossil fuels should be limited or organic food isn’t moral.  No word on whether cloning organic food makes it less moral or less organic, or whether it is better in real-time or on TiVo.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid