Geneticists Replay the Past in Real-Time

Cloned Bulls and Bull Fighters in the Ring

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 17, 2008

The Associated Press reports that the genetic cloning company ViaGen is attempting to clone a line of bulls used in Mexican bull fights.  Mexican ranchers who breed bulls for fighting say most bulls can only sire 40 calves a year and that’s too few to keep up with demand.  And historians of bull fighting say that it’s been tough to keep really great Matador’s around because they quit or bulls kill them.  Scientists now say that by cloning both bulls and Matador’s we’ll be able to watch the world’s most fantastic bull fights in real-time with the real animals and people.  Lovers of bull fights say it’ll be way better than watching the old fights on film or TiVo.  

“Imagine the very best fighting bulls of all time battling it out with the very best Matador’s of all time,” said bull fighting aficionado and part-time vagrant Hecho N. Mexico, waxing lyrical and splashing cow blood on himself like aftershave.  “These are the old world experiences that are now becoming possible thanks to new science.  Dig up the great Matador Manolete for some of his cells and build several of him in the lab.  Scratch the raw cells together from some classic fighting bull breeds like the Jijona and Cabrera and create bulls for the ring.  WWE Steel Cage Matches will go the way of the Dodo bird when we put these cloned bulls and men to battle in one space.”

Not everyone is comfortable with the idea of cloning and even less so for the purpose of bull fighting.  “This is about as terrible an idea as I have ever heard, outside of the last Democrat tax proposal,” said Debbi Lou, an animal rights supporter who deplores using animals for anything, but occasionally has carnal thoughts involving anteaters.  “Leave the animals alone, dead or alive and stop playing around with their cells.  And for crying out loud, quit torturing them in the ring and pampering them like Hindu gods.  Stick with the caged matches between sicko men.  Let them kill each other, but leave the bovines to themselves.”

Alcalde, a hulking black bull, is quite the stud. He sires as many as 40 calves a year, most of them top-grade fighters, even though in human terms he would be almost 80 years old and is near the end of his life.  Victoriano del Rio, a fifth-generation breeder of fighting bulls, cringes at the thought of losing an animal with such good genes. So he is going to clone the 16-year-old bull — an unprecedented marriage of modern technology and the Spanish-speaking world’s ancient, beloved pastime.  ViaGen has cloned about 300 mammals, but this is the world’s first attempt at cloning bulls, the breeders said.  A ViaGen team will collect skin samples from Alcalde in a few weeks and start preparing embryos.  ViaGen executives say it’ll take a little longer to exhume the remains of famous Matadors’.

“Some members of famous Matador’ families don’t like the idea of us digging up their dead relatives and recreating them in the lab,” said ViaGen spokesman Ben Carlson, closely studying pictures in a Playboy magazine, as he remains always on the lookout for possible cloning candidates.  “I think that cloning is a way to recreate the best of past life forms and am a strong advocate of recreating everything good that has died in the past.  Of course the babes in this magazine make me think about more tactile approaches to genetic transfer and I admit I’m open to the idea of other ways of doing things.”

In other news, the UK Soil Association says that it’s working hard to make sure that organic produce flown by aircraft is done so in an ethical manner.  They say that fossil fuels should be limited or organic food isn’t moral.  No word on whether cloning organic food makes it less moral or less organic, or whether it is better in real-time or on TiVo.

(C) 2008

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