Daily Archives: March 18, 2008

26 Percent of 14 to 19 Year-Old U.S. Women are Diseased

Risk and Reward; the Life and Times of STDs

Inebriated Press
March 18, 2008

The Center for Disease Control (CDC) has published a new study that says 26 percent of young women between the ages of 14 and 19 in the United States is infected with at least one sexually transmitted disease (STD).  According to the report 48 percent of black women have STD’s and 20 percent of whites.  Equal rights advocates are upset that fewer white women are diseased and are lobbying Congress to increase STD’s among the pale girls.

“Clearly the white chicks aren’t passing around disease at the rate black women are and that shows a lack of equality and we believe that no white girl should be treated for STDs until a proper level of equilibrium is established,” said ACLU Executive Director Anthony Romero, handing out “How to Have Risky Sex” pamphlets to white Middle School girls at Happy Hooker High.  “This is no time to get caught up in arguments over whether abstinence is a good thing, or whether people should have fewer than ten partners.  That’s the kind of thing that bothersome moralists trot out at times like these, when more socially evolved people know that indiscriminate sex has nothing to do with the issue.  It’s about rights and equality.”

Still some people think that indiscriminate sex with multiple individuals could transfer STDs regardless of color or social background.  “I can catch a cold by hanging around kids with colds, and I can accumulate stuff from kids if I run around taking things out of their pockets and putting them into mine,” said Angus McGee, a six year old who attends Andrew Jackson Elementary School and has frequent bouts of common sense.  “I don’t know what an STD is, but if people who have it do close-up stuff with people who don’t, the people who don’t might get some of it on them, and then they’ll have it too.  I got some bubble gum on me that way once.”

The results of the study were presented last week at a CDC conference in Chicago on preventing sexually transmitted diseases.  The report said that one in four U.S. girls between the ages of 14 and 19 carries at least one of the most common sexually transmitted diseases (human papillomavirus (HPV), chlamydia, herpes simplex virus, and trichomoniasis).  African-American teenage girls were most severely affected.  Nearly half of the young African-American women (48 percent) were infected with an STD, compared to 20 percent of young white women.  The two most common STDs overall were human papillomavirus, or HPV (18 percent), and chlamydia (4 percent).  CDC recommends that girls and women between the ages of 11 and 26 be vaccinated against HPV.  CDC has no problem with indiscriminate sex, but are big on vaccinations.

“Everyone likes random and indiscriminate sex including former president Bill Clinton and former New York governor Eliot Spitzer, so you know that there’s noting wrong with it,” said Wendy “Boom Boom” LaRue, a part-time CDC executive and a full time hooker who enjoys spreading cheer and STD’s among the general population.  “It’s got nothing to do with equality or morality, those are just ideas that folks with some kind of social agenda have.  Bang who you want, just make sure there are plenty of drugs around and get vaccinated early and often.  Sure you have pain sometimes and occasionally a part will fall off, but that’s no big deal.  It’s going to happen sooner or later anyway.”

In other news, presidential contenders Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have yet to say if they’ll eventually partner up and run together as candidates for president and vice president of the United States.  No word on which or how many STD’s they currently partner with either.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Beijing Olympics May Harm Athletes

Minor issues really; only food and air problems

Inebriated Press
March 18, 2008

The Washington Post reported yesterday that the International Olympic Committee (IOC) acknowledged that air pollution could be harmful for athletes at this summer’s Olympics in Beijing and said it will monitor air quality daily during the Games to see whether events should be moved or postponed.  Last month the US Olympic Committee (USOC) announced that it would be importing lean proteins for athletes because some foods in China have been found to be tainted with insecticides and illegal veterinary drugs, and the standards applied to meat there are lower than those in the U.S., raising fears of food-borne illnesses.  Debate over whether bad food and air translate into an advantage for Chinese athletes training in those conditions is being debated.

“The more an athlete is able to train in the same conditions as those in which they will be performing, the better able their body is to adapt and maximize performance,” said Rare Aire, a former Olympian whose ability to fly led to a prohibition on bird-man clones at the Games.  “Without question an athlete who has a world class performance while eating toxic waste and breathing coal tar is going to have an advantage competing in that same environment over an athlete whose top flight performance is generated in a locale with clean air and food.  The IOC tries to stop secret ingestion of performance enhancing material within athletes’ bodies, but they don’t work to block detriments, particularly of air and food.  They Chinese are going to kick everyone’s ass in that pit called the Beijing Olympics.”

Not everyone feels that Chinese toxic air and food will make the Olympics unfair.  “Every country has the ability to pollute their air and provide unsafe food to their consumers and athletes if they want to; that is not something that only China can do,” said Hu Yu Kidden, a Chinese Olympic official, geneticist and toxic waste distribution manager.  “Besides, that’s just a small part of the edge we Chinese naturally have.  We’ve been gene doping our athletes to create muscle enhancement based on our work with the lean, ‘double-muscled’ Belgian Blue cattle breed, and their mutated form of the myostatin gene.  In our work with mice we injected IGF-1 genes into their leg muscles, put them on an eight-week training protocol which resulted in 20-25 times larger muscles than the control mice.  You think all we’re doing over here is stealing your technology, taking over your manufacturing, building up our military and planning to put Chinese people on the moon by 2024?  There’s lots of other progressive stuff we’re doing that you won’t be able to do shit about, or compete with.  Silly rabbits.”

In a statement, the IOC predicted that most competitors would not be affected by poor air quality in the Chinese capital, one of the most polluted cities in the world.  But in “a few sports” — notably distance and other endurance events — officials said there was “a possible risk.”  They said they’d monitor the air, but weren’t sure what they’d do with the information.  The USOC has tried to figure out how to avoid bad food dangers in China.  It has made arrangements with sponsors Kellogg’s and Tyson Foods to ship 25,000 pounds of lean protein to China about two months before the opening ceremony.  Local vendors and importers will be hired to secure other foods and cooking equipment at the Games.  Chinese officials have said they won’t allow it.  The issue isn’t settled.    

The New York Times reported that Belgian Blues with “double-muscles” are unlike any cows you’ve ever seen.  They have a genetic mutation that means they do not have effective myostatin, a substance that curbs muscle growth.  A result is that Belgian Blues are all bulging muscles without a spot of fat, like bovine caricatures of Arnold Schwarzenegger.  Gene therapies are being developed that would block myostatin in humans, and they offer immense promise in treating muscular dystrophy and the frailty that comes with aging.  Some experts say it’s highly likely that the 2004 Olympics were the last ones without genetically enhanced athletes and that the 2008 Games will most likely contain genetically modified muscles for which there are no tests or testing protocol. 

Science Daily recently reported on the problem.  “If an athlete injects himself in the muscle with DNA, would we be able to detect that?” asked one of France’s leading gene therapy researchers, Philippe Moullier, M.D., Ph.D., an adjunct professor of microbiology and molecular genetics at UF and director of the Gene Therapy Laboratory at the Universite de Nantes in France.  Right now the answer is no, he said.  Some say it’s nothing to worry about and that it’s just proof that humankind can improve itself and should.

“If you use weight loss supplements to get healthier and put silicon in your chest to be sexier, plug implants into your skull so you’re hair is nicer and drink coffee every morning so you wake up quicker and get going faster, why not alter your genetic makeup so you’re stronger, healthier and can kick your competitors ass in the Olympic games,” asked Samwise Gamgee, a short roly-poly Hobbit whose tenacity is legendary, but whose physical prowess has been compared to the Pillsbury Doughboy.  “You think I don’t want to look like Mr. Olympia?  You think I don’t want to run like the wind and see women tremble at my rippling bicep?  I’d of knocked off Frodo Baggins and taken the ring myself if I thought it would make me a kick-ass Olympian.”

In other news, Barack Obama says his pastor Jeremiah Wright was taken out of context when he said god should damn America and that it was our own fault that Islamofascists attacked us on 9/11 and continue to hate us.  According to Barack the statements were supposed to encourage Americans to try harder to be better people.  No word on whether he was under the influence of bad air or food when he tried to sell the idea or whether he thinks gene therapy will help.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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