Daily Archives: March 19, 2008

Obama: Oops Guess I Was Awake for Some of Pastors Speeches

But hey, the guy’s right some of the time; and so am I

Inebriated Press
March 19, 2008

In reaction to the growing number of pissed off Americans to the incendiary speeches that are a hallmark of US presidential candidate Barack Obama’s spiritual guru for the past twenty years, Obama said yesterday that the old guy occasionally slips off the tracks but is still right a lot of the time.  In a speech Tuesday morning Senator Obama said he actually had been present when Rev. Wright made some of his “controversial” sermons.  This comes after denying that he’d heard any such sermons in the twenty years that he attended the church.

“I dozed off a few times during some of Wright’s sermons, so you can’t really call me a liar for saying I never knew he felt that the US should be damned by God, and that the US government created AIDS and intentionally infected black people with it, and that the US was at fault over 9-11 and actually was the cause of the attack, and that the United States is just like Al Qaeda and does the same things that they do except we have a different colored flag to wear on our lapels,” said candidate Obama, still refusing to show pride in his country and wear a flag lapel pin, because he disagrees with the US Constitution, our Middle Eastern policies, our low tax rates and several other minor issues like the need to protect personal freedom, the right to bear arms, and a belief in individual responsibility.  “I am the right candidate for the presidency no matter what I actually believe or who I listen to or who my friends are.  And if you don’t like what I’m saying, I’ll have some of Tony Rezko’s boys stop over to have a chat with you and help you see things my way.”

Some people think that twenty years is a long time to spend with a friend and spiritual advisor and not have a clue what the guy’s like and what he believes.  “I dated a guy for two years and it didn’t take me long to realize he was an asshole and throw him out,” said Mable Moonbeam, an activist best known for establishing the Church of Unusual Activity and distributing silicon implants from the back of a plumbing truck.  “There’s no way you can spend twenty years around a guy and his gang and not have a clue what’s going on.  And if it turns out you have a problem with them, you move on, you don’t stay and go along with all the bull shit — unless of course you are okay with it.  That’s why I left Trinity United where Obama goes, and started the Church of Unusual Activity.  We do a lot of weird shit, but we won’t condemn the country or talk conspiracy theory from the pulpit.  And we wear flag lapel pins because we’re free to invent our own goofy religion here if we want to.  Obama should at least wear a pin out of respect for the fact that this country tolerates what he and his pastor believe in.”

ABC News reported that at the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia yesterday, Sen. Obama admitted he had been present when Rev. Wright made his “controversial” sermons.  He said Wright’s sermons went beyond a “religious leader’s effort to speak out against perceived injustice.”  But Obama stopped short of fully disowning the controversial minister.  Obama defended Rev. Wright’s “social gospel” and said he agreed with some of his points.  Meanwhile watchdog groups are questioning why it took Sen. Obama more than a year to disclose additional details of his dealings with indicted fundraiser Antoin “Tony” Rezko.  While Rezko was known to be under federal investigation, Obama toured a Chicago-area home with him to get his opinion of on some property and possible involvement in a purchase, Obama’s campaign revealed to Bloomberg News last month.  Responding to questions about Rezko and the home sale last month, the Obama campaign repeatedly cited the candidate’s on-the-record statements: “I don’t recall exactly” conversations about the house with Rezko; and “I am not clear” how Rezko decided to join in the purchase.”  Regardless Obama’s lack of memory and dance around the truth a lot of people aren’t concerned with the concepts of lies, facts or memory.

“Barack Obama is a mental giant towering above us and if he can’t remember shit, well, we need to just accept that and put him in power so he can change things to something different,” said Cathy Worly-Dirvish, a schizophrenic who enjoys multiple personalities, two-faced politicians and anyone who isn’t who they seem to be.  “He has stood on the platform of change and by god if this doesn’t prove he’s all for it, nothing will.  The man has a Chicago gangster as his financial advisor and a hate spewing anti-American preacher as his spiritual advisor.  When he has Hillary as his vice president to advise him in his legal matters and help him bury the necessary corpses around the White House, we’ll see some serious changes around here. Wait until you see the Supreme Court Justices that he appoints and the Democratic Congress and Senate headed by Pelosi and Reid approve.  Once they get going, we’ll get change that this country has never seen in its history.  Beam him into power, Scotty!”

In related news, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she may still consider Obama as her vice presidential running mate in November, even if he hates today’s America and desperately wants to change everything about it.  “I have some changes waiting for implementation myself,” Clinton reportedly said, while tweaking a plan for defense cuts and tax hikes.  “I can use Barracks’ glib way of speaking and his black supporters to help me get some things done.”  No word on whose gangsters will act as primary advisors. 

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Britney Spears Enjoys Being Someone Else

“Girls Gone Wild” Producer Is Who He Is

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 19, 2008

People Magazine reports that Britney Spears is having a “blast” pretending she’s a character named Abby on the CBS TV sit-com called “How I Met Your Mother.”  The troubled actress who lost custody of her children and control of her personal finances, after losing most of her mind as the result of wild living, partying and drugs; is trying to find her way back.  Her father, currently in control of her finances by court order, expressed appreciation to members of the television set, saying that this was just what Britney needs.  Meanwhile the producer of “Girls Gone Wild” is back in California after pleading no contest to child abuse and prostitution.  No one is sure just what he needs right now.  The importance of going wild and the value of pretending you’re someone else are under debate.

“I pretended I was the Queen of England once and started issuing proclamations at a Hooters I was at, but it didn’t carry any weight,” said Martha “Jugs” Silicon, a left wing intellectual best known for refusing to wear American flag lapel pins because she thinks giving American assets to the United Nations for distribution to third world dictators is more important.  “I think I felt better just having done it though, so I can see how Britney is feeling better pretending she’s somebody else.  Of course, her real life is so screwed up that pretending she’s Michael Jackson would probably be an improvement.”

Not everyone thinks that pretend is better than the real deal.  “My ‘Girls Gone Wild’ videos are about real girls being who they want to be, usually while on booze or drugs, and that’s the kind of reality all of us should be aspiring to,” said Joe Francis, video producer, child abuser and encourager of underage prostitution.  “If the recently made former New York governor Eliot Spitzer had been campaigning for the legalization of prostitution in the State instead of pretending he was against it, he’d still be governor today.  I may have to do some time in the pen for tax evasion and encouraging under age prostitution, but by golly I’m in favor of sex at every age and of no one ever paying taxes.  I’m not a two faced politician trying to pretend that I’m someone I’m not.”

People Magazine reported last week that Britney has earned rave reviews from her “How I Met Your Mother” cast-mates, and is enjoying the experience.  “Working at How I Met Your Mother has been so terrific,” Spears says.  “Everyone, including the cast, the crew and the producers, has been wonderful and Abby is such a fun girl to play.  I’m having a blast!” 

The Associated Press reported that producer Joe Francis is back to work promoting his “Girls Gone Wild” products after returning to California from Florida, where he pleaded no contest to child abuse and prostitution.  Francis claimed during a Beverly Hills news conference Thursday that he was victorious in the Florida court case, where he was sentenced to time served and fines. The case involved filming of underage girls.  “Girls Gone Wild” are videos that typically involve exposure of breasts, buttocks and genitals and sometimes the camera crew follows a group of girls back to a hotel or other location and tapes them engaging in sexual activities.  Francis recently returned to Florida after months in jail in Reno, where he still faces trial on federal tax evasion charges that carry a penalty of up to 10 years in prison.  It’s an inconvenience sometimes linked to who a person really is.

“There are moments in everyone’s life when they decide to do things that define them and it can be tricky getting away from stereotypes, and out from under oaths to Grand Jury’s,” said former U.S. president Bill Clinton, thinking back on he and Monica Lewinski gone-wild in the Oval Office, and then his lying under oath about it.  “A lot of it comes down to public opinion and you need good polling to get the information you need to manage things like that.  If Britney used polling the way I did, she’d still be in control of her own money, and if Francis did he’d have filmed girls over 18 engaging in sex and not be fighting jail time.  Barack Obama doesn’t poll a lot and says he wants to change the country to something totally different than we are today.  He quit wearing a lapel pin of the American flag after 9/11 and the U.S. started defending itself in the Middle East.  He’s straight up about his hatred for what America is today and it’s playing well in the primaries.  There’s something to be said for just being who you are, I guess.”

In other news, Pam Anderson has been pretending her breasts are real for years and seems to be getting along just fine.  No word on whether she uses polling to decide what size they should be from week to week.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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