Britney Spears Enjoys Being Someone Else

“Girls Gone Wild” Producer Is Who He Is

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 19, 2008

People Magazine reports that Britney Spears is having a “blast” pretending she’s a character named Abby on the CBS TV sit-com called “How I Met Your Mother.”  The troubled actress who lost custody of her children and control of her personal finances, after losing most of her mind as the result of wild living, partying and drugs; is trying to find her way back.  Her father, currently in control of her finances by court order, expressed appreciation to members of the television set, saying that this was just what Britney needs.  Meanwhile the producer of “Girls Gone Wild” is back in California after pleading no contest to child abuse and prostitution.  No one is sure just what he needs right now.  The importance of going wild and the value of pretending you’re someone else are under debate.

“I pretended I was the Queen of England once and started issuing proclamations at a Hooters I was at, but it didn’t carry any weight,” said Martha “Jugs” Silicon, a left wing intellectual best known for refusing to wear American flag lapel pins because she thinks giving American assets to the United Nations for distribution to third world dictators is more important.  “I think I felt better just having done it though, so I can see how Britney is feeling better pretending she’s somebody else.  Of course, her real life is so screwed up that pretending she’s Michael Jackson would probably be an improvement.”

Not everyone thinks that pretend is better than the real deal.  “My ‘Girls Gone Wild’ videos are about real girls being who they want to be, usually while on booze or drugs, and that’s the kind of reality all of us should be aspiring to,” said Joe Francis, video producer, child abuser and encourager of underage prostitution.  “If the recently made former New York governor Eliot Spitzer had been campaigning for the legalization of prostitution in the State instead of pretending he was against it, he’d still be governor today.  I may have to do some time in the pen for tax evasion and encouraging under age prostitution, but by golly I’m in favor of sex at every age and of no one ever paying taxes.  I’m not a two faced politician trying to pretend that I’m someone I’m not.”

People Magazine reported last week that Britney has earned rave reviews from her “How I Met Your Mother” cast-mates, and is enjoying the experience.  “Working at How I Met Your Mother has been so terrific,” Spears says.  “Everyone, including the cast, the crew and the producers, has been wonderful and Abby is such a fun girl to play.  I’m having a blast!” 

The Associated Press reported that producer Joe Francis is back to work promoting his “Girls Gone Wild” products after returning to California from Florida, where he pleaded no contest to child abuse and prostitution.  Francis claimed during a Beverly Hills news conference Thursday that he was victorious in the Florida court case, where he was sentenced to time served and fines. The case involved filming of underage girls.  “Girls Gone Wild” are videos that typically involve exposure of breasts, buttocks and genitals and sometimes the camera crew follows a group of girls back to a hotel or other location and tapes them engaging in sexual activities.  Francis recently returned to Florida after months in jail in Reno, where he still faces trial on federal tax evasion charges that carry a penalty of up to 10 years in prison.  It’s an inconvenience sometimes linked to who a person really is.

“There are moments in everyone’s life when they decide to do things that define them and it can be tricky getting away from stereotypes, and out from under oaths to Grand Jury’s,” said former U.S. president Bill Clinton, thinking back on he and Monica Lewinski gone-wild in the Oval Office, and then his lying under oath about it.  “A lot of it comes down to public opinion and you need good polling to get the information you need to manage things like that.  If Britney used polling the way I did, she’d still be in control of her own money, and if Francis did he’d have filmed girls over 18 engaging in sex and not be fighting jail time.  Barack Obama doesn’t poll a lot and says he wants to change the country to something totally different than we are today.  He quit wearing a lapel pin of the American flag after 9/11 and the U.S. started defending itself in the Middle East.  He’s straight up about his hatred for what America is today and it’s playing well in the primaries.  There’s something to be said for just being who you are, I guess.”

In other news, Pam Anderson has been pretending her breasts are real for years and seems to be getting along just fine.  No word on whether she uses polling to decide what size they should be from week to week.

(C) 2008

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