No one surprised; reporters doze off
March 20, 2008
David Paterson, New York’s new governor, took the oath of office Monday and immediately announced that he’d had multiple extramarital affairs and was planning more in the future. The Governor said that he had learned from his predecessor not too keep sexual indiscretions quiet and surprise the voters later. He said he didn’t “do” prostitutes, but got plenty of action screwing staff and voters. New Yorkers said they appreciate the candor but aren’t sure what to make of the announcement.
“Our former governor was banging high-end prostitutes and now our new one, less than fifteen minutes old, is telling us that he’s screwing staff and local citizens. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” said Whoa Nelly, an unusually sedate woman who sat picking at a scab and wincing. “The Gov who paid for sex leaves embarrassed and we’re supposed to feel okay about the new Gov who doesn’t pay? Is this a fiscal responsibility thing and not about morality at all? Why has our choice in leadership come down to a decision between different indiscretions? What the hell is going on here?”
Not everyone is confused by the approach of the new New York Governor. “It’s never been about banging the broads, it’s about secrets,” said former CIA director George Tenet, admitting that he likes keeping things to himself and often doesn’t fess up about anything. “When you come clean about who you’re screwing besides your spouse and all that, it puts the news out into the mainstream right away and leaves the tabloids with nothing new to talk about. If the CIA had told people up front that we needed to take over Iraq so we could leverage Middle Eastern politics and power instead of the WMD stuff, people would have understood better. As it is some people still think we’re there to keep the cost of gas down. Dreamers. We’re finally killing terrorist bastards who have been blowing up our shit over there for years while we sat on our hands and did nothing. It took 9-11 for us to get off our ass and take them seriously before they popped a nuke in Times Square.”
The New York Sun reported that Governor Paterson said his conscience was clear after confessing that as a state senator he engaged in multiple extramarital affairs, including one several years ago with a woman who now reports to him in the executive chamber. Whispers circulating in Albany about his infidelities caused him anxiety, he said. The new Governor said that he was chastened by the example of former Governor Spitzer, who concealed his sexual indiscretions until they metastasized into a full-blown, career-exploding scandal. Paterson says he still likes the woman who reports to him in his executive chamber and expects to see a lot more of her. Being open about it makes him feel good about himself.
“I didn’t want it hanging over my head. I didn’t want to be compromised,” Gov. Paterson said, flipping pages of the “State of New York Government Staff Directory” and scanning the pages for good looking broads. “Now people know that I’m serious about sex and politics and can expect me to be screwing people in both of those important government related areas. And if I ever run for president and am elected, no one has to guess what I’ll be doing in the Oval Office. One difference between me and Bill Clinton is that I have a good dry cleaning service and intend to take care of my interns’ clothing. I mean think of it, the president trying to weasel out of Monica’s dry-cleaning bill? Ole’ Bill is quite a character, always up to something.”
In other news, Heather Mills said she helped former Beatle Paul McCartney write songs and get his career on track. A 58-page ruling by Judge Hugh Bennett, outlining the Mills-McCartney divorce settlement, said that Mills was living in a world of “make-believe.” No word on whether Mills plans to move to New York and bang the next governor who currently lives comfortably in the same world that she does.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com