Daily Archives: March 20, 2008

NY Politician Admits He Screws Others

No one surprised; reporters doze off

Inebriated Press
March 20, 2008

David Paterson, New York’s new governor, took the oath of office Monday and immediately announced that he’d had multiple extramarital affairs and was planning more in the future.  The Governor said that he had learned from his predecessor not too keep sexual indiscretions quiet and surprise the voters later.  He said he didn’t “do” prostitutes, but got plenty of action screwing staff and voters.  New Yorkers said they appreciate the candor but aren’t sure what to make of the announcement.

“Our former governor was banging high-end prostitutes and now our new one, less than fifteen minutes old, is telling us that he’s screwing staff and local citizens.  I don’t know whether to laugh or cry,” said Whoa Nelly, an unusually sedate woman who sat picking at a scab and wincing.  “The Gov who paid for sex leaves embarrassed and we’re supposed to feel okay about the new Gov who doesn’t pay?  Is this a fiscal responsibility thing and not about morality at all?  Why has our choice in leadership come down to a decision between different indiscretions?  What the hell is going on here?”

Not everyone is confused by the approach of the new New York Governor.  “It’s never been about banging the broads, it’s about secrets,” said former CIA director George Tenet, admitting that he likes keeping things to himself and often doesn’t fess up about anything.  “When you come clean about who you’re screwing besides your spouse and all that, it puts the news out into the mainstream right away and leaves the tabloids with nothing new to talk about.  If the CIA had told people up front that we needed to take over Iraq so we could leverage Middle Eastern politics and power instead of the WMD stuff, people would have understood better.  As it is some people still think we’re there to keep the cost of gas down.  Dreamers.  We’re finally killing terrorist bastards who have been blowing up our shit over there for years while we sat on our hands and did nothing.  It took 9-11 for us to get off our ass and take them seriously before they popped a nuke in Times Square.”

The New York Sun reported that Governor Paterson said his conscience was clear after confessing that as a state senator he engaged in multiple extramarital affairs, including one several years ago with a woman who now reports to him in the executive chamber.  Whispers circulating in Albany about his infidelities caused him anxiety, he said.   The new Governor said that he was chastened by the example of former Governor Spitzer, who concealed his sexual indiscretions until they metastasized into a full-blown, career-exploding scandal.  Paterson says he still likes the woman who reports to him in his executive chamber and expects to see a lot more of her.  Being open about it makes him feel good about himself. 

“I didn’t want it hanging over my head.  I didn’t want to be compromised,” Gov. Paterson said, flipping pages of the “State of New York Government Staff Directory” and scanning the pages for good looking broads.  “Now people know that I’m serious about sex and politics and can expect me to be screwing people in both of those important government related areas.  And if I ever run for president and am elected, no one has to guess what I’ll be doing in the Oval Office.  One difference between me and Bill Clinton is that I have a good dry cleaning service and intend to take care of my interns’ clothing.  I mean think of it, the president trying to weasel out of Monica’s dry-cleaning bill?  Ole’ Bill is quite a character, always up to something.”

In other news, Heather Mills said she helped former Beatle Paul McCartney write songs and get his career on track.  A 58-page ruling by Judge Hugh Bennett, outlining the Mills-McCartney divorce settlement, said that Mills was living in a world of “make-believe.”  No word on whether Mills plans to move to New York and bang the next governor who currently lives comfortably in the same world that she does.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Harvard Adds Banjo Prerequisite

Ivy League School Makes Historic Move

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 20, 2008

Harvard University says it’s no longer enough to have a high GPA and elite social skills to get into their college.  From now on, students must also be able to play the banjo.  Harvard president Drew Gilpin Faust told the assembled media yesterday, that the classic instrument adds a lighter mood to serious students, and the combination of high level knowledge and banjo plucking will be crucial for successful leadership in the future.

“Harvard prides itself on being the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States, and the least innovative,” said president Faust, while pruning some ivy and speaking to reporters from under a hedge at the University.  “This foray into the banjo requirement is new and shows that we are not only an open minded institution now, but that we have our fingers on the pulse of trends in high finance and executive training.  We’ve determined that fine banjo playing is going to be the hallmark of future statesmen and superior executives at the highest levels.  And I’m not just saying that because I think banjos are fun.”

Not everyone is convinced that Harvard is really going to require banjo playing as a prerequisite to attending the university.  “I’ve heard some unusual things come out of Harvard, but banjo playing has got to be the strangest I’ve come across,” said Hasty Brown-Sugar, a Harvard alum who originated in Cajun Country to become the youngest executive at the Four-Coroner Banjo and Microwave Club.  “But based on my personal experience, it’s an idea whose time has come, if they’ll really go through with it.  In reality I think the media was talking to a drunken gardener.”

Harvard University is a private university in Cambridge, Massachusetts, U.S., and a member of the Ivy League.  Founded in 1636 by the colonial Massachusetts legislature Harvard is the oldest institution of higher learning in the United States.  It is also the first and oldest corporation in North America.  The banjo is a stringed instrument developed by enslaved Africans in the United States, adapted from several African instruments.  The name banjo commonly is thought to be derived from the Kimbundu term mbanza.  Some etymologists derive it from a dialectal pronunciation of “bandore”, though recent research suggests that it may come from a Senegambian term for the bamboo stick used for the instrument’s neck.  If implemented, the banjo playing prerequisite at Harvard will be the first of its kind in the nation.

“I like banjos and chewing gum,” said Nigel Williams, a long shore man and philosopher who often contemplates viscosity and helium during the summer months.  “I don’t currently have children, but if I did, I might not stop them from going to an Ivy League school if banjo playing is part of it.  But all these schools still have to lighten up on the gum chewing prohibition before we can really call this a free country.  I have to give Harvard credit though; the banjo playing is a start.”

In other news, the Harvard women’s hockey team advanced to the Frozen Four this year and while few have given credit to the trend toward banjo playing, they’ve admitted that the ability to hit things with a stick is proving to be a critical asset.  “I guess chewing gum and playing the banjo aren’t far behind,” said Harvard coach Katey Stone.  “Who’d have guessed?”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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