Daily Archives: March 21, 2008

Cartoons Worse than Killing Women & Children

Osama bin Laden teaches ethics befitting his vision of the coming new age

Inebriated Press
March 21, 2008

A jihadist Web site Wednesday posted a message from Osama bin Laden ripping Europeans for allowing their newspapers to republish cartoons depicting the prophet Muhammad.  Bin Laden said the cartoons are worse than killing women and children.  He said that by publishing the cartoons Europe had abandoned the “morals of fighting.”  Apparently that means that the indiscriminate murder of innocents is a fine thing, but a drawing is morally wrong.  Citizens of the Evil Empire admit confusion.

“Let me get this straight.  The slaughter of a child and beheading of an innocent woman is okay if you’re trying to make a political point, but an ink drawing that infers that a religion has incited violence, should be met by people of that religion with violence?” asked Pippy Longstocking, an American girl busily weaving her long red hair into an unholy set of pig-tails.  “I thought religion bore within it a certain expression of morality that was above human nature and that we are to aspire to a higher level of love, kindness and ethical behavior.  Either human nature has evolved above Bin Laden’s religion, or his practice of religion has devolved into the darker side of human nature.  Either way, Bin Laden’s expression of the will of god doesn’t work unless your god is Satan.”

Not everyone sees it the way Pippy does.  “The highest morality that a human can achieve is the transcendental understanding that life and death are irrelevant within the ether known as time and space,” said philosopher and terrorist-enabler Bin Laden, worshiping a notion of someone he no longer knows.  “Cartoons are a greater reality than life and as such any pen and ink drawing that depicts something I disagree with should be met with the wholesale slaughter of men, women and children.  As the most religious man I know, it’s my deep understanding of the inner workings of god that impels me to want to kill everyone who disagrees with me and my view of the coming new age of the caliphate.  In that age all men of proper faith will be free to abuse women and children without cartoonists questioning their motives.  We will be one with the highest order of invisible morality.  You might not see it, but it’s there somewhere.”

ABC News reported Wednesday that in a five-minute audio message entitled, “The Response Is What You See, Not What You Hear,” bin Laden accuses Europeans of abandoning the “etiquettes of disputes and morals of fighting,” by reprinting cartoons he says insults the prophet Muhammad.  He said he considers the reprinting of the cartoons a more serious offense than the killing of women and children and that his revenge for republishing the cartoons “will be more severe.”  Bin Laden concluded his message by saying if there are no checks on the Europeans’ freedom to speak; then there will be no checks on his freedom to act.  Bin Laden’s message came on the fifth anniversary of the U.S.-led invasion in Iraq, an apparent error in U.S. judgment that has now lead to damnable freedom of speech in that country.

“No one should be allowed freedom of speech or freedom of expression and no woman should be allowed in public without wearing a full body tent, because Bin Laden says so and that’s that,” said self proclaimed transcendentalist and astronaut wannabee Yusuf Wiglesbottom, a delightful gentleman whose plans for nuclear holocaust and genocide mirror Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s.  “And it really angers me that Americans have an appreciation for an infidel president named Abraham Lincoln whose use of the name Abraham is akin to an evil cartoon of Mohammad.  Think of the apostasy of using the patriarch Abrahams name for a U.S. president and then thinking he was a good person because he freed slaves and spoke about the importance of freedom and individual rights.  Mohammad came from the real Abraham line and only Islamofascists have a right to use the name.  Damnable American bastards, heathens and infidels the whole lot of them.  We will kill them all as the cartoon depictions of Muhammad infer, and then kill the Europeans because of their inference.”

In other news, Stratfor says the U.S. has been empowering the Iraqi Sunnis, Iranians’ mortal enemies.  The U.S. effort to forge a democracy in Iraq has been fought by Shia, the same religious group than runs Iran.  Reportedly the U.S. tired of trying to create balance in the country with Iran running interference by smuggling weapons and explosives to Iraqi Shia and backing guys like cleric Muqtada al-Sadr.  So the U.S. decided to partner with the Sunnis to offset the Shia.  Iran is stunned by the move and worried that a powerful Iraqi Sunni block backed by the U.S. may screw up their plan for dominating the Middle East.  No word on whether there are any Iraqi-U.S. cartoons that are pissing them off too.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Sniffing and Licking to Replace the Handshake

Social Scientists Say Culture is Changing

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 21, 2008

Social Scientists broke out of a winter conference called “Busting Out of Old Mores” to announce that in the future no one will shake hands, hug, or kiss each another on the cheeks to greet one another.  Instead, they will sniff one another behind the ears and then lick the bridge of the nose.  Historians say greetings involving hand shakes, hugs, nose rubbing and kicking each others ass has been going on for century’s and that the new approach is simply the result of the passage of time and the general tiring of the past.

“Societies around the globe are advancing at an accelerated rate and the old ways of doing things are being relegated to the dust bin of history,” said sociologist and quick oil change specialist James “Jiffy” Lube, an expert in human interaction and engine lubricants.  “Very few of us change the oil in our cars ourselves, and in the future we won’t shake hands with each other either.  We’ll be sniffing each other behind the ears and licking the bridge of one another’s nose.  I wouldn’t believe it myself if I wasn’t the one claiming it was true.”

Just like debate over whether we’re ahead to change our own oil, not everyone agrees that we’ll be licking the bridge of each others nose in the future.  “We’ve been shaking hands since the 16th Century and even though licking each other would bring a social greeting respected by ring-tailed lemurs into human culture, I don’t see it happening,” said Racy Stacy, a lithe muscular young woman tweaked out with silicon appendages and a tendency to become bronzed.  “My kittens lick each other and I’m tempted to do it myself, and have known guys who are into it, but I don’t see it developing into something that replaces handshaking.  Sure handshaking is as boring as a night at the opera, but just the same it’s not going away.”

It’s claimed that a handshake is a short ritual in which two people grasp each other’s right or left hands, often accompanied by a brief up and down movement of the grasped hands.  Its origins are unclear, although Philip A. Busterson’s seminal 1978 work Social Rituals of the British traces its roots back to Sir Walter Raleigh, claiming he introduced the custom into the British Court during the late 16th Century.  Licking is a common way for animals to clean themselves.  And Ring-tailed lemurs use licking as a social function, licking each other’s babies within the community.  Grooming is of great importance to a cat.  It takes 2 forms = Auto-grooming and Allo-grooming.  Auto-grooming is when a cat grooms itself, and allo-grooming is when cats groom each other, both an important part of a cat’s day.  Cats are introduced to allo-grooming from the minute they are born, when their mothers licks them dry.  The social sciences are a group of academic disciplines that study human aspects of the world.  Social scientists insist that times are changing.

“Okay, maybe we won’t be licking each other or sniffing behind each others ears, but it would still be better than a kick in the groin,” said social scientist and enabler Nachont Spelling, a genius, by his own admission.  “I met Racy Stacy at a bar last night and I’d really like to sniff and lick her.  The societal change thing might be pushing it, but personally I like the idea.  Doing new things can be really interesting.”

In barely related news, a packet sniffer is computer software or computer hardware that can intercept and log traffic passing over a digital network or part of a network.  As data streams flow across the network, the sniffer captures each packet and eventually decodes and analyzes its content according to the appropriate RFC or other specifications.  Debate over whether this is a technical or social function is ongoing.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid