Sniffing and Licking to Replace the Handshake

Social Scientists Say Culture is Changing

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 21, 2008

Social Scientists broke out of a winter conference called “Busting Out of Old Mores” to announce that in the future no one will shake hands, hug, or kiss each another on the cheeks to greet one another.  Instead, they will sniff one another behind the ears and then lick the bridge of the nose.  Historians say greetings involving hand shakes, hugs, nose rubbing and kicking each others ass has been going on for century’s and that the new approach is simply the result of the passage of time and the general tiring of the past.

“Societies around the globe are advancing at an accelerated rate and the old ways of doing things are being relegated to the dust bin of history,” said sociologist and quick oil change specialist James “Jiffy” Lube, an expert in human interaction and engine lubricants.  “Very few of us change the oil in our cars ourselves, and in the future we won’t shake hands with each other either.  We’ll be sniffing each other behind the ears and licking the bridge of one another’s nose.  I wouldn’t believe it myself if I wasn’t the one claiming it was true.”

Just like debate over whether we’re ahead to change our own oil, not everyone agrees that we’ll be licking the bridge of each others nose in the future.  “We’ve been shaking hands since the 16th Century and even though licking each other would bring a social greeting respected by ring-tailed lemurs into human culture, I don’t see it happening,” said Racy Stacy, a lithe muscular young woman tweaked out with silicon appendages and a tendency to become bronzed.  “My kittens lick each other and I’m tempted to do it myself, and have known guys who are into it, but I don’t see it developing into something that replaces handshaking.  Sure handshaking is as boring as a night at the opera, but just the same it’s not going away.”

It’s claimed that a handshake is a short ritual in which two people grasp each other’s right or left hands, often accompanied by a brief up and down movement of the grasped hands.  Its origins are unclear, although Philip A. Busterson’s seminal 1978 work Social Rituals of the British traces its roots back to Sir Walter Raleigh, claiming he introduced the custom into the British Court during the late 16th Century.  Licking is a common way for animals to clean themselves.  And Ring-tailed lemurs use licking as a social function, licking each other’s babies within the community.  Grooming is of great importance to a cat.  It takes 2 forms = Auto-grooming and Allo-grooming.  Auto-grooming is when a cat grooms itself, and allo-grooming is when cats groom each other, both an important part of a cat’s day.  Cats are introduced to allo-grooming from the minute they are born, when their mothers licks them dry.  The social sciences are a group of academic disciplines that study human aspects of the world.  Social scientists insist that times are changing.

“Okay, maybe we won’t be licking each other or sniffing behind each others ears, but it would still be better than a kick in the groin,” said social scientist and enabler Nachont Spelling, a genius, by his own admission.  “I met Racy Stacy at a bar last night and I’d really like to sniff and lick her.  The societal change thing might be pushing it, but personally I like the idea.  Doing new things can be really interesting.”

In barely related news, a packet sniffer is computer software or computer hardware that can intercept and log traffic passing over a digital network or part of a network.  As data streams flow across the network, the sniffer captures each packet and eventually decodes and analyzes its content according to the appropriate RFC or other specifications.  Debate over whether this is a technical or social function is ongoing.

(C) 2008

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