Daily Archives: March 24, 2008

Blood Plasma and Old Preachers

The Downside Risk of Old Blood

Inebriated Press
March 24, 2008

The New England Journal of Medicine reported last week that heart surgery patients who received transfusions of old blood were 64% more likely to die than those receiving fresher blood.  And Associated Press reported that presidential candidate Barack Obama’s twenty-year relationship with his aging hate-mongering and government-HIV-conspiracy talking spiritual mentor; may kill his candidacy.  Debate over aging blood and bloodlines continues.

“We try to keep blood as fresh as we can for as long as we can by reinfusing it with nitric oxide so it can carry oxygen, but after a while all living things – and that’s what blood really is – finally loses it’s functionality as it nears death,” said Dr. Red Corpuscle, a youthful looking healthcare professional whose one vice is said to be an unquenchable desire for sex with members of the Mormon Tabernacle Choir.  “Just like aging activists caught up in their own rhetoric and out of touch with present day reality, it can no longer function adequately and no good progress can be made any longer.  Kind of like Obama’s preacher Wright, the old guy trapped in the 1950’s who seems to have created a twisted parallel universe and has taken Barack along with him.”

Not everyone subscribes to the notion that old blood fades and becomes less relevant with the passage of time.  “Classic is what they are and they’re worth more than the original,” said Barack Obama, defending his spiritual advisor and contemplating the return of more money raised illegally by Rezko, his pal and Chicago racketeer.  “It’s important to have old blood in a new campaign because it keeps things grounded in a type of reality, and it’s just as important as old Chicago money raised in traditional ways like extortion and misappropriation.  Jeez Louize if Hillary can win $100,000 by trading cattle futures, and can weather the Norman Hsu illegal fund raising of $850,000, what’s wrong with saying that United States is the same as Al Qaeda?  It’s that kind of timeless comparison that motivates me to change America by raising taxes, giving billions more dollars to the United Nations, and pull out of the Middle East.”

The Los Angeles Times reported that heart surgery patients receiving transfusions of blood stored for more than two weeks were 64% more likely to die in the hospital than those who received fresher blood, a finding that adds to the growing concern about the safety of transfusion practices.  In studies at the Cleveland Clinic they found that at one year after surgery, 11% of those receiving older blood had died, compared with 7.4% of those receiving fresher blood.  “The older the blood, the higher the risk,” Dr. Colleen Gorman Koch said.

Associated Press reported that even if presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton and her aides do not mention Barack Obama’s fiery-tongued spiritual mentor, no one expects the Illinois senator’s speech last week to make the controversy disappear.  In his speech from Philadelphia Obama condemned Wright’s most controversial statements, but he did not repudiate Wright and said he agreed with his social concerns.  Pundits say the decision will haunt Obama, because his political success is built on his image as a uniter and when that image is juxtaposed to Wright’s outbursts comparing the United States to Al Qaeda, among other things, voters will wonder about Obama’s real character.  Still, old blood among friends and transfusions is seen by most as better than petroleum and Republicans.

“I’d rather have a transfusion with old blood than motor oil, and I’d rather have an old coot spewing hatred of America running the country than Ronald Reagan and his silly views about freedom and individual responsibility,” said Barbara Streisand, an aging actress, singer and an expert in telling people who to vote for.  “I’m backing Hillary because she’s an aging woman like me and I can identify more with her than I can a young black guy or an old Republican.  I think the old Clinton political-bloodline provides plenty of traditional controversy and secret sex and backroom dealing and the tawdriness that we’ve all come to know and love about the ‘new Democrats.’  Obama’s a good kid with well meaning and deep seated hatred for the U.S. but he needs to run again in four years.  He hasn’t figured out how to spin his problems onto Republicans yet.  Now hand me that bottle of nitric oxide, I’m feeling light headed and need more oxygen in my blood.”

In other news, US Speaker of the House and Democrat Nancy Pelosi and Democrat Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid are keeping quiet about the Democrat infighting.  “No need to mix in,” Pelosi reportedly said while drafting plans to hike taxes and remove U.S. troops from Iraq and Berkeley.  “When Democrats control the White House in addition to both Houses of Congress, we’ll do what we want with blood and bloodlines.  No one will be able to stop us.”  Reid winked alot and agreed, “Just thinking about all that power gets my blood pumping, that’s for sure.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Mutant Potato or Modern Prometheus

All Things Real or Imagined

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 24, 2008

The ability to dance and eat potatoes is being threatened by geneticists determined to change the world.  That’s according to Ralph Nader, currently a candidate for president of the United States and a past consumer advocate who admits he’s afraid of everything except personal power.  Speaking to a crowd of dirt aficionados near a peat bog someplace in the eastern U.S., Nader spoke for a really, really long time about his vision of a planet free from modification and safely frozen in time.

“The world was a safer place before humankind and the development of geneticists, free trade and fast food,” said candidate Nader, dreaming of an unfound time when the dinosaur ran free and picnicked with free forming protozoa and when the chaos that is nature was unspoiled by order.  “The earth was once a frozen landscape, an ice age even, but as the globe warmed things changed and it teamed with life.  Now it continues to warm and if this keeps up more life may team, or something else might happen.  If anything is wrong with the warming of the planet then I’m sure its peoples fault, because I blame everything wrong on humankind.  Killing us all may be the world’s only hope.  It’s the center piece of my platform.”

Not everyone thinks humans ended the ice age or are destroying the planet.  “It’s true that humans invented hybridization, cultivation and conservation and now fewer people starve and less natural resources are being lost than in years past,” said Unholy Science, a short fat man who tends to eat a lot and has a weakness for giving to the poor.  “With the addition of direct genetic modification of plants and animals we can increase the speed and progress of traditional cross-breeding and will be able to create more food from less resources in the future.  I know some people compare the science to Frankenstein, but even the creature was created for the good and not evil.  It was the people who abused him that created the trouble.”

Frankenstein: or, The Modern Prometheus is a novel written by the British author Mary Shelley.  Shelley wrote the novel when she was 18 years old.  The title of the novel refers to a scientist, Victor Frankenstein, who learns how to create life and creates a being in the likeness of man, but larger than average and more powerful.  In Greek mythology, Prometheus is a Titan known for his wily intelligence, who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to mortals for their use.  His myth has been treated by a number of ancient sources, in which Prometheus is credited with playing a pivotal role in the early history of humankind.  Ralph Nader is an American attorney, political activist, and was candidate for president of the United States in five elections.  Young activists, inspired by Nader’s work, came to D.C. over the years to help him with his projects.  They came to be known as “Nader’s Raiders” who, under Nader, investigated all kinds of stuff, publishing various books with their results, usually attacking things modern. 

“We can’t take the chance of genetically modifying potatoes or other foods, even if it reduces poverty and starvation, because something bad might happen instead,” said Tina “Double D” Turbine, a stripper and scientist whose papers on silicon and hydraulics revolutionized sex and politics during the 1990’s.  “It’s true that I’ve modified myself and have no qualms about changing other stuff, but I don’t think we should change our food.  We really should be harvesting it like the hunter and gatherers did back in the 1970’s when we were battling a new ice age and listening to Barry Manilow.”

In other news, novels are usually considered fiction unless politicians think they can spin them in such a way that it helps their cause.  Still a few regular citizens remain convinced that no matter how it spins, bull shit doesn’t only come from cattle.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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