All Things Real or Imagined
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 24, 2008
The ability to dance and eat potatoes is being threatened by geneticists determined to change the world. That’s according to Ralph Nader, currently a candidate for president of the United States and a past consumer advocate who admits he’s afraid of everything except personal power. Speaking to a crowd of dirt aficionados near a peat bog someplace in the eastern U.S., Nader spoke for a really, really long time about his vision of a planet free from modification and safely frozen in time.
“The world was a safer place before humankind and the development of geneticists, free trade and fast food,” said candidate Nader, dreaming of an unfound time when the dinosaur ran free and picnicked with free forming protozoa and when the chaos that is nature was unspoiled by order. “The earth was once a frozen landscape, an ice age even, but as the globe warmed things changed and it teamed with life. Now it continues to warm and if this keeps up more life may team, or something else might happen. If anything is wrong with the warming of the planet then I’m sure its peoples fault, because I blame everything wrong on humankind. Killing us all may be the world’s only hope. It’s the center piece of my platform.”
Not everyone thinks humans ended the ice age or are destroying the planet. “It’s true that humans invented hybridization, cultivation and conservation and now fewer people starve and less natural resources are being lost than in years past,” said Unholy Science, a short fat man who tends to eat a lot and has a weakness for giving to the poor. “With the addition of direct genetic modification of plants and animals we can increase the speed and progress of traditional cross-breeding and will be able to create more food from less resources in the future. I know some people compare the science to Frankenstein, but even the creature was created for the good and not evil. It was the people who abused him that created the trouble.”
Frankenstein: or, The Modern Prometheus is a novel written by the British author Mary Shelley. Shelley wrote the novel when she was 18 years old. The title of the novel refers to a scientist, Victor Frankenstein, who learns how to create life and creates a being in the likeness of man, but larger than average and more powerful. In Greek mythology, Prometheus is a Titan known for his wily intelligence, who stole fire from Zeus and gave it to mortals for their use. His myth has been treated by a number of ancient sources, in which Prometheus is credited with playing a pivotal role in the early history of humankind. Ralph Nader is an American attorney, political activist, and was candidate for president of the United States in five elections. Young activists, inspired by Nader’s work, came to D.C. over the years to help him with his projects. They came to be known as “Nader’s Raiders” who, under Nader, investigated all kinds of stuff, publishing various books with their results, usually attacking things modern.
“We can’t take the chance of genetically modifying potatoes or other foods, even if it reduces poverty and starvation, because something bad might happen instead,” said Tina “Double D” Turbine, a stripper and scientist whose papers on silicon and hydraulics revolutionized sex and politics during the 1990’s. “It’s true that I’ve modified myself and have no qualms about changing other stuff, but I don’t think we should change our food. We really should be harvesting it like the hunter and gatherers did back in the 1970’s when we were battling a new ice age and listening to Barry Manilow.”
In other news, novels are usually considered fiction unless politicians think they can spin them in such a way that it helps their cause. Still a few regular citizens remain convinced that no matter how it spins, bull shit doesn’t only come from cattle.
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