Daily Archives: March 25, 2008

New Study finds that Hot Babes Want It All

Attractive women are pickier about mates

Inebriated Press
March 25, 2008

Science Daily reported Monday that the more attractive a woman believes she is the more likely she will hold on to high standards in pursuit of a mate.  Researchers said women who consider themselves physically attractive wanted guys who were good looking, had money or the potential to be good earners, were loyal and devoted, and wanted children and had a desire to parent them.  The study said these women wouldn’t trade down no matter how drunk they got or how near the bar was to closing.  Ugly guys and skank women are pissed and want an equal shot at good lookers with talent and money.

“This is just one more biased study that says women who are good looking will hold out for the ideal guy and think that they’ve got better odds of hooking one,” said Heavy Lode, a stripper from Queens who compensates for her face with the size of her chest.  “The study may show what these women think but it doesn’t say a damn thing about what they can pull off.  Why are half of all marriages ending in divorce?  It’s because I’m smart and fun and have the silicon necessary to get these guys to bail on stuck up hot chicks who ‘want it all’ but don’t give shit back.  I give, baby.  I get, because I give.”

Not every good looking woman after an ideal guy thinks they need to have stripper hots to get the guys worth having.  “I consider myself an average looking woman with fussy taste but I have lots to give and no inhibitions about giving it when I found the right guy,” said Sally Ride, an aerospace scientist and part time waitress often confused for an astronaut.  “I’ve been happily married for twelve years and no hot chick or stripper can take my man because he’s got no reason to go anywhere.  It’s never been only about hooking the guy with your looks.  It’s about you as a person.  Women who are really good looking have an initial advantage, just like the stripper with big tits.  But unless that’s all the guy’s interested in, you’ve got to have more than looks and jugs to build a long term relationship.  But I suppose I have a bias toward common sense.  I’ve always had a problem that way.”

Science Daily said the new study from The University of Texas at Austin revealed women’s preferences can be influenced by their own attractiveness.  David Buss, psychology researcher at the university, has published the findings in “Attractive Women Want it All: Good Genes, Economic Investment, Parenting Proclivities and Emotional Commitment” in this month’s Evolutionary Psychology.  Buss and Todd Shackelford, psychology professor at Florida Atlantic University, found women ideally want partners who have all the characteristics they desire, but they will calibrate their standards based on their own desirability.  Interestingly, a study published in Personal Relationships last November said their study found that individuals – both men and women – who exhibit positive traits, such as honesty and helpfulness, are perceived as better looking.  The debate over what constitutes “attractive” and “better looking” continues.

“One mans skank is another mans babe and one woman’s Neanderthal is another woman’s he-man,” said Albert Einstein, a funny looking scientist with bad hair who invented The Theory of Relativity but could never find his socks.  “Perception can be reality and beauty is only skin deep and what you see is what you get but not always, and if you take beets and cook them the water is redder than when you bake potatoes.  What is the constant in all that?  Nothing.  And that is exactly what you’ll find in most of these studies.  You find what you want to find.  You like who you want to like.  Now leave me alone.  I’ve been dead since ’55 and should be left alone.  How did you get in here anyway?”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Stop the End of the Ice Age or We Might Be Doomed

With or without us, the globe has been getting warmer for thousands of years
But don’t stop funding the important people who care

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 25, 2008

Scientists say that the earth is continuing to warm at a rate of one degree every ten years and if it continues it will only get to 35 degrees below zero in Minnesota during winter, instead of 40 below.  Summers may also see the temperature remain balmy and not occasionally fall into the 50’s.  Some people are afraid of this impending disaster, but Minnesotans are all for it.

“It’s about time that the Ice Age is over and we start getting summer before July around here,” said Lars Svenson, an Irish-African who pretends to be someone else so he can fit in.  “I hate to go against the defeatist attitude that unless we kill humankind the earth will get too warm to support ice on my driveway.  But hey, who wants to live in an Ice Age?  I suppose that Neanderthal’s were worried about the wooly mammoth when it warmed up enough so that glaciers were sliding around on the earth.  They may have been right, but I doubt it was the fault of their campfires heating the world.  But what do I know.  I struggle with my common sense every time I vote to keep this state Democrat up here.”

Not everyone thinks that the movement of the universe across the millennia has anything to do with the cause and demise of the Ice Age, or that Forces in the world or space and time around us has anything to do with what happens on earth.  “Gravity, entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, these are all bull shit,” said I.M. Genius, an insipid gambler smitten with the disease of perpetual certainty, until it’s time to pay the bills and then concepts of doubt, fear and loathing rear their ugly heads.  “I and my fireplace have more impact on the world as we know it than a million years of an expanding universe or a hundred generations of the sun.  People who think that there are forces greater than their SUV’s effect on my thermometer are right-wing lunatics who want you to believe in crazy notions that man isn’t the center of the universe and that you and I are not in control of space and time.  Losers.”

Jeff Cosmo of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center, the lead author of a climate study, said Arctic Ocean temperatures appear to be rising quickly because less of the water is covered by ice, which reflects sunlight and keeps water temperatures lower.  He said that this years unusually cold winter means that the earth is warming and that previous years warmer summers also means that the earth is warming.  He said that the melting of the ice in the Arctic is one more reminder that we must address the global warming problem with a level of commitment and resources equal to the task. 

“I haven’t had a decent raise in over five years, and damn it I need one,” said Cosmo, shuffling his dental bills like playing cards.  “It’s wealthy people and wealthy countries that are to blame for the end of the Ice Age and I can’t get a weather book published and collect royalties.  Al Gore gets all the cash and babes and I’m left looking at pictures of ice.  Well enough of that.  Get with my new “Stop the End of the Ice Age” campaign and send me cash so I can get these teeth fixed.  How come nobody likes us weather guys anyway?”

In related news, the disease of perpetual certainty continues to strike environmentalists daily as they reel beneath new data that proves their theories.  Like, both warmer summers and colder winters result in warming and not cooling.  And that an expanding universe can be impacted by donations to Green Peace and awards to Al Gore.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid