Stop the End of the Ice Age or We Might Be Doomed

With or without us, the globe has been getting warmer for thousands of years
But don’t stop funding the important people who care

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 25, 2008

Scientists say that the earth is continuing to warm at a rate of one degree every ten years and if it continues it will only get to 35 degrees below zero in Minnesota during winter, instead of 40 below.  Summers may also see the temperature remain balmy and not occasionally fall into the 50’s.  Some people are afraid of this impending disaster, but Minnesotans are all for it.

“It’s about time that the Ice Age is over and we start getting summer before July around here,” said Lars Svenson, an Irish-African who pretends to be someone else so he can fit in.  “I hate to go against the defeatist attitude that unless we kill humankind the earth will get too warm to support ice on my driveway.  But hey, who wants to live in an Ice Age?  I suppose that Neanderthal’s were worried about the wooly mammoth when it warmed up enough so that glaciers were sliding around on the earth.  They may have been right, but I doubt it was the fault of their campfires heating the world.  But what do I know.  I struggle with my common sense every time I vote to keep this state Democrat up here.”

Not everyone thinks that the movement of the universe across the millennia has anything to do with the cause and demise of the Ice Age, or that Forces in the world or space and time around us has anything to do with what happens on earth.  “Gravity, entropy, the second law of thermodynamics, these are all bull shit,” said I.M. Genius, an insipid gambler smitten with the disease of perpetual certainty, until it’s time to pay the bills and then concepts of doubt, fear and loathing rear their ugly heads.  “I and my fireplace have more impact on the world as we know it than a million years of an expanding universe or a hundred generations of the sun.  People who think that there are forces greater than their SUV’s effect on my thermometer are right-wing lunatics who want you to believe in crazy notions that man isn’t the center of the universe and that you and I are not in control of space and time.  Losers.”

Jeff Cosmo of NASA’s Goddard Space Flight Center, the lead author of a climate study, said Arctic Ocean temperatures appear to be rising quickly because less of the water is covered by ice, which reflects sunlight and keeps water temperatures lower.  He said that this years unusually cold winter means that the earth is warming and that previous years warmer summers also means that the earth is warming.  He said that the melting of the ice in the Arctic is one more reminder that we must address the global warming problem with a level of commitment and resources equal to the task. 

“I haven’t had a decent raise in over five years, and damn it I need one,” said Cosmo, shuffling his dental bills like playing cards.  “It’s wealthy people and wealthy countries that are to blame for the end of the Ice Age and I can’t get a weather book published and collect royalties.  Al Gore gets all the cash and babes and I’m left looking at pictures of ice.  Well enough of that.  Get with my new “Stop the End of the Ice Age” campaign and send me cash so I can get these teeth fixed.  How come nobody likes us weather guys anyway?”

In related news, the disease of perpetual certainty continues to strike environmentalists daily as they reel beneath new data that proves their theories.  Like, both warmer summers and colder winters result in warming and not cooling.  And that an expanding universe can be impacted by donations to Green Peace and awards to Al Gore.

(C) 2008

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