Daily Archives: March 26, 2008

Muslim cleric bans Pepsi and Coke

CIA discovers Islamofascist “Achilles Heel”

Inebriated Press
March 26, 2008

An Iraqi ayatollah has issued a religious decree prohibiting Muslims from drinking or being close to Pepsi and Coke because the two beverages contain pepsin which Delhi University’s Science and Technology Center in India says comes from pig stomachs.  Panic broke out in several offices where Diet Coke addicts began scouring other soft drink labels searching for a flavorful yet “safe” caffeine buzz.  Meanwhile CIA analysts say the revelation has enabled them to finally find a way to drive Bin Laden out of the mountains.

“Even as we speak the U.S. military is removing the explosive components from the missiles on our drones flying over Afghanistan and Pakistan and are loading them with the product that our arch enemy fears most — a lunchmeat called SPAM which contains pork,” said a CIA operative hiding his identity under a tasty looking ham sandwich.  “Bin Laden has no qualms about blowing up women and children in his quest for Islamofascist domination of the world; but now we’ve discovered how we can fight dirty.  Bomb him with pork products.  It’s the one thing he’s actually afraid of.”

Not everyone agrees that it’s a good idea to start blasting the Afghan mountains with pig meat.  “What about the Muslims who aren’t killers?  Couldn’t they get caught in shrapnel and fear hell and damnation just because a bit of ham landed on them,” asked Isthat U. Ben, an innocent bystander known for asking reasonable questions most of the time.  “I don’t want people to get damned to hell because they were out for a walk and got Spammed by lunch meat and couldn’t wash in time.  I’m sure that it will flush all the terrorists out of the mountains once they realize that the U.S. is bombing them with meat-related eternal risk; but gosh, shooting pork at the hills seems so much more extreme than just beheading a few folks and flying planes into buildings.  I mean, shooting lunch meat at terrorists could be viewed as worse than drawing some cartoons in Holland.”

According to Iranian Press TV yesterday, Iraqi Ayatollah Sheikh Qasim Attayi, a prominent cleric in Najaf, has called on all Muslims to refrain from consuming, selling or importing the carbonated beverages Pepsi and Coca Cola.  The fatwa was issued after Delhi University’s Science and Technology Center in India said a study confirmed that a key element in Pepsi and Coca Cola is an extract of pig intestines, which is forbidden in Islam.  The Center said that both beverages contain pepsin from pork stomachs.  Clerics say it’s still okay to blow up innocent people in the markets and cut off the heads of folks they disagree with, but it’s critical to avoid pork at all costs.  The CIA says they’ve finally figured out how to terrorize the terrorists.

“The U.S. Military has entered into an agreement with Hormel Foods, the maker of SPAM lunch meat and we are building an anti-Islamofascist weapon called SPAM’n-Laden.  It’s like the daisy cutter bomb we used to pound the mountains when we first went into Afghanistan, only instead of wrecking the terrorist hideouts’, this coats them with spiced pork meat,” said a U.S. military attaché speaking on condition that reporters stop giggling.  “By launching these into the mountains and even dropping entire crates of canned SPAM, we’ll be terrorizing the terrorists and feeding our troops at the same time.  We’re also going to drop containers of Pepsi and Coke.  It’s a hell of a win-win situation.”

In related news, Hormel Foods share prices leapt on the announcement of the new SPAM’n-Laden Weapons Program, and U.S. troops expressed appreciation that they finally get to eat something other than standard MREs.  “I can hardly wait for the U.S. to start launching lunch meat and Pepsi into the mountains,” a U.S. Marine reportedly said.  “It’s a damn good meal for me and at the same time a damned-to-hell meal for them.  Now that’s what I’m talk’n about.”  

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Hubble Space Telescope Spots an Organic Molecule

The search for life goes on
The quest for common sense abandoned

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 26, 2008

Last week Wired Science reported that the Hubble space telescope detected an organic methane molecule within the atmosphere of a planet 63 light years away.  Scientists were pleased to find something, having given up the search for common sense on earth during the 1980’s.  Specialists at the Jet Propulsion Lab said that while finding the small organic molecule in space wasn’t a science shattering event, it still had meaning given the stupidity that saturates earth.

“The discovery of the methane molecule could mean that someplace out in the universe another life form is cutting farts and thinking deep thoughts about life and existence and contemplating jelly beans and copulation, besides just us scientists,” said Mark Tyme, a physicist hoping for early retirement and the completion of his 50-years of Playboy collection.  “Some scientists are still searching for common sense having given up on common decency in the ’60’s, but like I tell them, it’s less depressing looking for bits of gas and shit in space.  Besides, there’s bound to be some around if you look hard enough.  It doesn’t take a PhD to know that.”

Still some people herald the find as akin to the discovery of America by Columbus.  “It’s a brave new spatial world baby and we’re part of it,” said Cherry Blond, a neuroscientist known for the affects of her Double-D’s on the male psyche, and select portions of guys’ anatomy.  “It’s possible that native Americans or Norseman have spotted the methane molecules already, but heck it’s still a discovery to us because we don’t know anything about it.  I like methane.  Never mind that environmentalists say it’s destroying our planet and that they’ll find some way of blaming this discovery on a burping cow or somebody’s SUV on earth, and say we’ve destroyed life on Pluto somehow.  The molecule is out there and so are we.  I like being out there.  It’s why I’m a part-time stripper in addition to working my neuroscience stuff.”

Hubble detected the organic methane molecule within the atmosphere of a large Jupiter-like planet some 63 light years away.  Although the planet, HD 189744b, is too hot to support life (1260 degrees), the discovery is considered a breakthrough in that it demonstrates the ability to detect organic molecules on exoplanets spectroscopically.  In the future this method could be used to take measurements of Earth-like planets orbiting within the habitable zones of other stars and to look for organic molecules that will help in the search for life.  But some people think it’s a waste of time.

“Dream on about life in space, it’s all just so much gas anyway,” said Spearmint Gumm, a divisive intellectual who hates his name and the human race, and prefers only silicon based life forms especially if they have big breasts.  “I fought against common decency in the ’60’s and won, and I fought against common sense in the ’80’s and I won and now I’m fighting against the quest to find cow gas in space.  They’re all meaningless and a waste of time and money.  The only way for a guy to find true happiness is to nuzzle some mammoth silicon hooters.  I don’t know if anyone else will find happiness, but I’ve got my dreams all sorted out.”

In other news, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) recently announced that people should save the environment and their money by eating only vegetables and by decreasing the animal population.  They feel that animals waste too much food and excrete dangerous methane gas resulting in global warming.  No word on why they don’t just take a liking to hooters and get on with it.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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