Hubble Space Telescope Spots an Organic Molecule

The search for life goes on
The quest for common sense abandoned

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 26, 2008

Last week Wired Science reported that the Hubble space telescope detected an organic methane molecule within the atmosphere of a planet 63 light years away.  Scientists were pleased to find something, having given up the search for common sense on earth during the 1980’s.  Specialists at the Jet Propulsion Lab said that while finding the small organic molecule in space wasn’t a science shattering event, it still had meaning given the stupidity that saturates earth.

“The discovery of the methane molecule could mean that someplace out in the universe another life form is cutting farts and thinking deep thoughts about life and existence and contemplating jelly beans and copulation, besides just us scientists,” said Mark Tyme, a physicist hoping for early retirement and the completion of his 50-years of Playboy collection.  “Some scientists are still searching for common sense having given up on common decency in the ’60’s, but like I tell them, it’s less depressing looking for bits of gas and shit in space.  Besides, there’s bound to be some around if you look hard enough.  It doesn’t take a PhD to know that.”

Still some people herald the find as akin to the discovery of America by Columbus.  “It’s a brave new spatial world baby and we’re part of it,” said Cherry Blond, a neuroscientist known for the affects of her Double-D’s on the male psyche, and select portions of guys’ anatomy.  “It’s possible that native Americans or Norseman have spotted the methane molecules already, but heck it’s still a discovery to us because we don’t know anything about it.  I like methane.  Never mind that environmentalists say it’s destroying our planet and that they’ll find some way of blaming this discovery on a burping cow or somebody’s SUV on earth, and say we’ve destroyed life on Pluto somehow.  The molecule is out there and so are we.  I like being out there.  It’s why I’m a part-time stripper in addition to working my neuroscience stuff.”

Hubble detected the organic methane molecule within the atmosphere of a large Jupiter-like planet some 63 light years away.  Although the planet, HD 189744b, is too hot to support life (1260 degrees), the discovery is considered a breakthrough in that it demonstrates the ability to detect organic molecules on exoplanets spectroscopically.  In the future this method could be used to take measurements of Earth-like planets orbiting within the habitable zones of other stars and to look for organic molecules that will help in the search for life.  But some people think it’s a waste of time.

“Dream on about life in space, it’s all just so much gas anyway,” said Spearmint Gumm, a divisive intellectual who hates his name and the human race, and prefers only silicon based life forms especially if they have big breasts.  “I fought against common decency in the ’60’s and won, and I fought against common sense in the ’80’s and I won and now I’m fighting against the quest to find cow gas in space.  They’re all meaningless and a waste of time and money.  The only way for a guy to find true happiness is to nuzzle some mammoth silicon hooters.  I don’t know if anyone else will find happiness, but I’ve got my dreams all sorted out.”

In other news, the People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (PETA) recently announced that people should save the environment and their money by eating only vegetables and by decreasing the animal population.  They feel that animals waste too much food and excrete dangerous methane gas resulting in global warming.  No word on why they don’t just take a liking to hooters and get on with it.

(C) 2008

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