Daily Archives: March 27, 2008

Finally, Women Free To Help Militant Islam

Suicidal Muslim Women Targeted For Martyrdom

Inebriated Press \ Division of Rant (with Pretzels)
March 27, 2008

While Western women walk in front of men without bowing and scraping, and even wear clothing that reveals their arms and bare feet, Middle Eastern girls and women from families of hard core Islamofascists can’t appear in public without wearing body-covering tents while accompanied by a man.  To appear any other way is against militant Islam’ religious beliefs and guilty women are to be stoned.  Until now.  Finally, Islamofascists are allowing women to participate in what has been known as “men’s work.”  Under male supervision, a woman can now strap a bomb onto herself and detonate it.

“The freedom to blow oneself to smithereens, and take innocent bystanders along to the grave is another progressive step in a series of them for modern Islamofascism,” said Irene Khan, Director of Amnesty International, warming her hands over a smoldering copy of the U.S. Constitution.  “The glorious freedom of Iran to build and maintain nuclear devices and threaten their use against Jews and the West has been an important advancement toward Islamofascist modernization; and now the freedom of women to kill themselves and others in the name of religion, is another tremendous step forward for militant Islam.”

Not everyone is comfortable with the idea that allowing Muslim women to blow themselves up is an actual advancement of freedom and equality.  “Cats and dogs in the developed world have more rights than Arab women in the Middle East,” said Susie Saccharin, a semi-sweet morsel of womanhood who holds two law degrees and a black belt in karate.  “Public suicide is now an expression of freedom for a woman in Islamofascist controlled segments of the world?  Killing yourself constitutes equality?  When I can flash cleavage in Iran and call myself religious, and they’re okay with it, then we’ll talk about freedom of expression.  Until then it’s nothing more than bull shit and twisted semantics.”

Last week a female suicide bomber attacked a group of Shiite worshippers near a mosque in Karbala, killing at least 39 people and wounding 54, officials said.  Associated Press reported that the worshippers were gathered at a sacred historical site about half a mile from the Imam Hussein shrine, one of the holiest sites for Shiites.  In Muslim societies females are considered the property of their relatives and even blowing themselves up has been frowned upon until now.  Woman are routinely caged within four walls, beaten by their husbands and bought and sold according to legal agreements.  When a woman fails to live up to men’s expectations Islamic law provides for their execution. 

The CIA World Factbook says that Iran continues to be a source, transit, and destination country for women and girls trafficked for the purposes of sexual exploitation and involuntary servitude.  CIA downgraded Iran recently to Tier 3 Rating after persistent, credible reports of Iranian authorities punishing victims of trafficking with beatings, imprisonment, and execution.  Still, some scholars see Islamofascism as progressive and ultimately the cure for today’s human condition.

“To annihilate the Jews and Americans along with their ideals of freedom of religion, speech and human rights is to help establish the ‘Islamofascist Freedom Of Intolerance’ that will fulfill humankinds deepest needs,” said Able Tyrant, a disciple of Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, who knows that without total obedience to men some women won’t feel free, and may not prefer martyrdom to living in Islamofascist society.  “To install a government worldwide that’s as pure as the Taliban; that is our ideal.  Everything about the Taliban rule in Afghanistan and the Muslim dominated Sixth Century is so appealing.”

In other news, Tehran police chief Reza Zarei was caught nude in a local brothel with six naked prostitutes earlier this month.  No word on whether it’s a new twist on the old rules or an old twist on the new ones.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Division of Rant (with Pretzels), Humor, IP News

The Rolling Stones Organic Diet

Undo the ravages of chemical ingestion

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 27, 2008

BANG Media International published a news item this month saying that The Rolling Stones have gone on an organic diet and they’re turning back their body clocks and reversing the years of physical neglect and abuse that makes them feel like 80 year-olds.  Reportedly Ronnie Wood’s wife is driving the program, and even Mick and Jerry are wolfing organic chow.

“I’ve been on a natural kick starting way back in ’06 when I started using organic skin care products and created my Jo Wood Organics line,” said Jo Wood, slipping into something more comfortable.  “At first it was just to keep my parts from dropping off, but then I got thinking heck, I know a lot of women aging like me and I could probably sell them some of this shit.  Before you know it I’ve got a business and pretty soon the rest of the gang starts eating my stuff.  I had to explain that this was skin care product for smearing on your face and not for eating.  Once I got them some organic oatmeal they were just munching away.  Silly Stoners, always up to something.”

Healthcare gurus are all impressed that the Stones are rehabbing themselves with organics.  “It’s such a great thing to see, a bunch of aging stoners, still on alcohol and drugs eating natural oats as if that’ll change anything,” said Barack Obama, a U.S. senator who enjoys campaigning for president, talking about change and pretending he’s into anything that a constituency might like.  “You know that these guys are all fried and the best thing to keep their bodies together for now and later is embalming fluid.  All they can hope for is less change, because the direction they’re headed is not for the better.  And typically I advocate change, and usually for change sake.  But in this case, it’s just nice to see that there’s hope.  I guess in this situation hope and change just doesn’t go together.”

BANG Media said Jo Wood embraced the healthier form of eating after suffering a perforated appendix, and says it was easy to persuade the wives of Ronnie’s bandmates – Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Charlie Watts – to follow suit.  Jo said that before and after surgery she was sticking to an organic diet.  An herbalist called Gerald Green explained to her how chemicals in food destroy our immune systems.  She said she was determined to eat only organic food if it was the last thing she did.  Jo went on to say that Ronnie is off the wagon all the time, but at least his vodka and wine are organic now.  Everyone thinks it’s the right thing to do.

“I enjoy the illusion of improvement and the comfort of knowing that at least I try,” said Osama bin Laden, a healthcare advocate and freelance nation-state modification aficionado.  “No one gets everything that they want even after years of killing others, or ingesting the wrong things in our bodies.  Still I admire anyone who tries to do something right, even if I have to plan their deaths because I disagree with them.”

In related news, readers were stunned recently when they encountered a quote from Osama bin Laden in an article about the Rolling Stones.  It quickly passed as acid flashbacks from their younger days reminded them that all things are relative and that try as they might, in the real world they occasionally struggle for satisfaction.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid