Undo the ravages of chemical ingestion
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 27, 2008
BANG Media International published a news item this month saying that The Rolling Stones have gone on an organic diet and they’re turning back their body clocks and reversing the years of physical neglect and abuse that makes them feel like 80 year-olds. Reportedly Ronnie Wood’s wife is driving the program, and even Mick and Jerry are wolfing organic chow.
“I’ve been on a natural kick starting way back in ’06 when I started using organic skin care products and created my Jo Wood Organics line,” said Jo Wood, slipping into something more comfortable. “At first it was just to keep my parts from dropping off, but then I got thinking heck, I know a lot of women aging like me and I could probably sell them some of this shit. Before you know it I’ve got a business and pretty soon the rest of the gang starts eating my stuff. I had to explain that this was skin care product for smearing on your face and not for eating. Once I got them some organic oatmeal they were just munching away. Silly Stoners, always up to something.”
Healthcare gurus are all impressed that the Stones are rehabbing themselves with organics. “It’s such a great thing to see, a bunch of aging stoners, still on alcohol and drugs eating natural oats as if that’ll change anything,” said Barack Obama, a U.S. senator who enjoys campaigning for president, talking about change and pretending he’s into anything that a constituency might like. “You know that these guys are all fried and the best thing to keep their bodies together for now and later is embalming fluid. All they can hope for is less change, because the direction they’re headed is not for the better. And typically I advocate change, and usually for change sake. But in this case, it’s just nice to see that there’s hope. I guess in this situation hope and change just doesn’t go together.”
BANG Media said Jo Wood embraced the healthier form of eating after suffering a perforated appendix, and says it was easy to persuade the wives of Ronnie’s bandmates – Mick Jagger, Keith Richards and Charlie Watts – to follow suit. Jo said that before and after surgery she was sticking to an organic diet. An herbalist called Gerald Green explained to her how chemicals in food destroy our immune systems. She said she was determined to eat only organic food if it was the last thing she did. Jo went on to say that Ronnie is off the wagon all the time, but at least his vodka and wine are organic now. Everyone thinks it’s the right thing to do.
“I enjoy the illusion of improvement and the comfort of knowing that at least I try,” said Osama bin Laden, a healthcare advocate and freelance nation-state modification aficionado. “No one gets everything that they want even after years of killing others, or ingesting the wrong things in our bodies. Still I admire anyone who tries to do something right, even if I have to plan their deaths because I disagree with them.”
In related news, readers were stunned recently when they encountered a quote from Osama bin Laden in an article about the Rolling Stones. It quickly passed as acid flashbacks from their younger days reminded them that all things are relative and that try as they might, in the real world they occasionally struggle for satisfaction.
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