Daily Archives: March 31, 2008

Leaders Lead by Doing and Saying Whatever They Want

Truth or Lies, from New York to North Korea

Inebriated Press
March 31, 2008

The new New York Governor David Paterson, said last week that he is done revealing his extra marital affairs, drug use and other illegal activities and it was time to get focused on running the state.  Meanwhile, Kim Jong-il, the old dictator of North Korea, launched some missiles into the sea on Friday and said he wasn’t going to comply with agreements he made to disable the country’s nuclear facilities unless the U.S. stops asking him for proof that he’s actually doing it.  The value of proof, lies and admissions of guilt by government leaders continues to be debated.

“I don’t care how much sex American leaders purchase illegally or the kinds of illegal drugs they take or how often they admit it,” said North Korean leader Jong-il, polishing a saber to show he can.  “I never have to admit to anything or prove that I’m doing anything.  The West should just take me at my word and keep sending me oil, food and money.  Many Americans just don’t seem to understand that government leaders can do whatever they want and everyone is supposed to give us what we ask and let us alone.  Is that such a hard concept to understand?  Send me more money and designer jumpsuits.  It’s the only way to placate me.  Now come on, get with it. Chop chop!  I’m a leader damn it.”

Not everyone is convinced that placating dictators is the right thing to do or that governors or other “leaders” who admit a long list of illegal activities should get a pass.  “I kept letting Jimmy Wilson take my lunch money so he wouldn’t beat me up and he beat me up anyway and took my back pack,” said Gabby “Glock” Jones, a precocious 9-year old who once shot her way out of a knife fight during recess.  “Bullies who lie and cheat keep lying and cheating until you stop them.  I stopped Jimmy Wilson.  When I pulled my gun he admitted he did wrong stuff and said we should just forget about it.  I shot him anyway.  His leg’s mostly healed now, and he won’t come near me.  He didn’t used to believe me when I said I’d had enough.  He believes me now.  I like that.”

The Washington Post reported that North Korea test-fired a volley of missiles into the sea Friday and warned that it might stop disabling its nuclear facilities unless the United States drops its demands for more details about the North’s nuclear arsenal.  And Daily News reported that New York Governor Paterson said Wednesday he’s zipping his lips when it comes to talking about his personal life.  Since taking office two weeks ago, Paterson has confessed to an extramarital affair during an interview with Daily News columnist Juan Gonzalez, and later admitted to additional dalliances.  He also admitted to using marijuana and cocaine during an interview with NY channel 1.  Some think his eyebrow-raising revelations have threatened his ability to govern effectively.  But others that leaders shouldn’t be held to the same standards as regular folks.

“Once you’re in power no one should have the right to question what you do or why you do it,” said former president Bill Clinton, pulling a cigar out from between the thighs of a former intern and putting it in his left nostril.  “So Jong-il lies about his nuclear capabilities and launches some missiles and the governor of New York sleeps around and does drugs; none of those things affect their abilities to govern.  I did shit that no one knows about and the few things folks learned some didn’t like.  So what?  I had sex with strangers in most of the rooms in the White House.  I swapped out tampons for cigars with female interns and pardoned convicted drug traffickers and arms dealers.  Maybe I actually did inhale some illegal stuff once in a while.  It’s all in a days work.  Leaders sometimes have to do things that other people won’t do, because damn it, we’re leaders.  A leader is someone who takes the lead.  That’s what we do.  Now get over it.”

In other news, rule of law still seems to be considered useful in maintaining a just state and a lot of people in the U.S. feel that it’s required for civil society.  But some disagree.  “Chaos is the natural order of things and it takes strong leaders to guide us towards it in a united hoping-for-change kind of way,” said Barack Obama while burning an American flag and channeling Hillary Clinton who was busy in a Bosnian fire fight.  “It takes leaders to lead and god-damn-America that’s something I’m good at.  Now if you’ll get your typical white ass out of my way, I’ve got shit to do.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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Al Jazeera backs Clinton/Obama ticket

Likes their “peaceful ignorance” view of terrorists
No guns for Americans a good idea; only Islamofascists should have them

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 31, 2008

The Al Jazeera Network announced today that they’re backing the Obama/Clinton or the Clinton/Obama ticket and are excited to be playing a media-endorsement role in American politics.  Al Jazeera is widely known as the media outlet favored by Islamic militants and Al Qaeda in particular, but only recently have they been seen as a “guiding hand” in setting the U.S. straight and promoting political ideals that will put Americans on the “right path.”  Today’s endorsement of candidates for U.S. high office is seen as another progressive move as the Network continues its growing world influence.

“We are pleased to support the 2008 Democrat ticket of Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama, whichever way it sorts out,” said Sheikh Hamad bin Thamer al-Thani, the owner of Al Jazeera and a liberal thinker who believes that only militant Muslims should be allowed to have guns, knives and WMD’s because they understand who deserve to die immediately.  “We are the only truly open-minded media group who doesn’t lean to the left like all the Western outlets with their sex talk and tendency to encourage silliness and the view that women are somehow not subservient to men.  “We would rather run Osama bin Laden videos all day than allow a picture of a woman’s ankle to appear, or see one act like an individual.  Better that all Westerners loose their heads than one Muslim woman be forced into personal freedom.”

While Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton continue to battle it out for supreme Democrat candidate for president they both agree that Americans shouldn’t have guns, we should stop fighting terrorists abroad, and more of the money earned by U.S. citizens should be going to the federal government.  Both believe that it’s best to leave tyrants and terrorists do whatever they want and that America is ahead to have a few foreign embassy’s, ships at sea and buildings in the U.S. blown up now and then, than to engage in the messy business of warfare or interrogation. 

“Better a few beheaded Americans than the distaste of defending ourselves,” said Hillary Obama, a being in search Democrat-ticket-oneness and still grappling with whether it’s head is male or female, black or white.  “The Al Jazeera endorsement will go a long way in convincing U.S. citizens that the Democrat ticket expresses the hopes and dreams of all people globally.  When the U.S. finally shuts down our military and begins transferring our countries wealth to the United Nations for distribution to the world’s poor dictators, then at last there will be everlasting peace on earth.  All that will be left then will be to shut down the remainder of our businesses and factories so we can stop contributing to global warming.  The dream is closer to reality than many people think.  It’s time for change and the Democrat platform will bring it.”

In other news, Iran announced last week that they are going against President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s government, and will use daylight savings time.  Some clerics said the practice is a Western measure that causes confusion about Muslim prayer times.  “We don’t give a shit about the rights of women and are just fine with everyone cutting off the heads of those who disagree with our views,” said one cleric while sharpening knives.  “But don’t screw with the clocks.  We’re a tolerant society but even we have our limits.”

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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