Al Jazeera backs Clinton/Obama ticket

Likes their “peaceful ignorance” view of terrorists
No guns for Americans a good idea; only Islamofascists should have them

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
March 31, 2008

The Al Jazeera Network announced today that they’re backing the Obama/Clinton or the Clinton/Obama ticket and are excited to be playing a media-endorsement role in American politics.  Al Jazeera is widely known as the media outlet favored by Islamic militants and Al Qaeda in particular, but only recently have they been seen as a “guiding hand” in setting the U.S. straight and promoting political ideals that will put Americans on the “right path.”  Today’s endorsement of candidates for U.S. high office is seen as another progressive move as the Network continues its growing world influence.

“We are pleased to support the 2008 Democrat ticket of Obama/Clinton or Clinton/Obama, whichever way it sorts out,” said Sheikh Hamad bin Thamer al-Thani, the owner of Al Jazeera and a liberal thinker who believes that only militant Muslims should be allowed to have guns, knives and WMD’s because they understand who deserve to die immediately.  “We are the only truly open-minded media group who doesn’t lean to the left like all the Western outlets with their sex talk and tendency to encourage silliness and the view that women are somehow not subservient to men.  “We would rather run Osama bin Laden videos all day than allow a picture of a woman’s ankle to appear, or see one act like an individual.  Better that all Westerners loose their heads than one Muslim woman be forced into personal freedom.”

While Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton continue to battle it out for supreme Democrat candidate for president they both agree that Americans shouldn’t have guns, we should stop fighting terrorists abroad, and more of the money earned by U.S. citizens should be going to the federal government.  Both believe that it’s best to leave tyrants and terrorists do whatever they want and that America is ahead to have a few foreign embassy’s, ships at sea and buildings in the U.S. blown up now and then, than to engage in the messy business of warfare or interrogation. 

“Better a few beheaded Americans than the distaste of defending ourselves,” said Hillary Obama, a being in search Democrat-ticket-oneness and still grappling with whether it’s head is male or female, black or white.  “The Al Jazeera endorsement will go a long way in convincing U.S. citizens that the Democrat ticket expresses the hopes and dreams of all people globally.  When the U.S. finally shuts down our military and begins transferring our countries wealth to the United Nations for distribution to the world’s poor dictators, then at last there will be everlasting peace on earth.  All that will be left then will be to shut down the remainder of our businesses and factories so we can stop contributing to global warming.  The dream is closer to reality than many people think.  It’s time for change and the Democrat platform will bring it.”

In other news, Iran announced last week that they are going against President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s government, and will use daylight savings time.  Some clerics said the practice is a Western measure that causes confusion about Muslim prayer times.  “We don’t give a shit about the rights of women and are just fine with everyone cutting off the heads of those who disagree with our views,” said one cleric while sharpening knives.  “But don’t screw with the clocks.  We’re a tolerant society but even we have our limits.”

(C) 2008

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