Bean Eating risks and rewards debated
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 1, 2008
While the benefits and risks of methane gas continue to be argued, social scientist and Nihilist Herbie Strong-Oxy says that transcendental relaxation and inner peace comes to those who fart long and hard. Speaking at an all night Bingo conference organized by regional fear mongers, the risks of methane gas from cows and humans was juxtaposed against the better angels of its expulsion. Inebriated reporter Blu Denum has the story.
“All throughout history humankind’s battle to control or cut loose their farts has been a subject of intense debate, with smell being the primary negative,” said reporter Denum, sharing things he heard at the conference while he sat eating beans by the fistful and striving for inner peace. “Only recently have Bingo players and “green” advocates started to condemn farts from cows and people, claiming that they’re destroying the earth’s ozone layer and dooming all life on earth. The Bingoists I talked to think that the only way to save future Bingo conferences from extermination is too stop bean eaters and kill all the cows. But not all Bingoists feel this way.”
“You wacked out anti-bean and gas weirdo’s have no understanding of the science of the universe, anti-matter and transcendental relaxation techniques for man and nature,” said Marcy H. Hamstring, a pro-gas activist as she squeezed her butt together and made funny sounds that caused her to hover above her chair and vibrate. “Don’t you realize that we could end all wars and human conflict if we mandated bean eating and farting on queue? Kids naturally laugh and have a great time farting and carrying on. If we adults would continue that and we began institutionalizing it at work and in social situations in a positive way, we’d solve the world’s problems in no time. You think Bin Laden could convince his guys to blow people up while they’re all sitting around in a cave cutting farts like gangbusters? They’d laugh their ass off at the suggestion and pass around another can of beans.”
Flatulence is defined as the presence of a mixture of gases in the digestive tract of mammals. Such a mixture of gases is known as flatus, and is expelled from the rectum in a process colloquially known as “farting”, among other terms. Flatus is expelled under pressure through the anus, whereby, as a result of the voluntary or involuntary tensing of the anal sphincter, the rapid evacuation of gases from the lower intestine occurs. Essentially this happens when the flatus pressure inside the rectum exceeds the anal sphincter’s ability to restrain it. Depending upon the relative state of the sphincter (relaxed/tense) and the positions of the buttocks, this often results in a crackling or trumpeting sound, but gas can also be passed quietly. The olfactory components of flatulence include skatole, indole, and sulfurous compounds. The non-odorous gases are mainly nitrogen (ingested), carbon dioxide (produced by aerobic microbes or ingested), and hydrogen (produced by some microbes), as well as lesser amounts of oxygen (ingested) and methane (produced by anaerobic microbes). Human relaxation and jovialness is often attributed to the act of “letting one rip.”
“The risks that environmentalists attribute to farts and burps is theoretical and based on a night of heavy organic Vodka drinking and a bad hangover during which no farting occurred, therefore the value of the concept has been discarded by serious scientists and is only being clung to by anti-fart Bingo players and environmentalists who stay in enclosed areas,” said someone claiming to be Inert Gass. “I’ve never been as relaxed as when I’m cutting loose pent up intestinal gases. Sometimes I even feel like I’m floating.”
In related news, pro-fart activists believe that in the future anti-gas activists will give in and join with them in an effort to end global conflicts. They believe it won’t be long before relaxed citizens will be passing gas and greeting each other cheerfully by saying, “blow it out your ass!” If only world peace was so simple.
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