Millions of Cancer Causing Apples

Apple Inc. to produce 11 million iPhones in ’08
UK researcher says cell phones cause brain cancer

Inebriated Press
April 1, 2008

Dr. Vini Khurana — one of the world’s top neurosurgeons — told U.K.’s Independent newspaper that the use of cell phones over a 10 year period more than doubles the risk of the user contracting brain cancer.  And Bank of America analyst, Scott Craig, said that Apple Inc. will produce 11 million iPhone’s in 2008.  The debate over whether “an apple a day keeps the doctor away” is still a truism or whether poison-Apples are ushering Snow White and most cell phone users to deaths’ door continues.

“Cell phones are more dangerous than cigarettes and rear wheel drive Chevy’s, especially if you’re driving,” said presidential candidate and crazy coot Ralph Nader, sucking on a straw recently sanitized for his use.  “I’ve been worried about the use of technology for a long time, and prefer carrier pigeons and bamboo shoots for communication and torture.  You can’t be too careful in avoiding technology or genetically modified plants and animals.  I get scared just sitting at home in the dark thinking about all this stuff.  We’ve got to get back to the dark ages, and we’ve got to stop global warming by finding out how to reintroduce the ice age.  Damn I’m busy lately.  Barely have time for my fifth run for president.”

Not everyone is convinced that cell phone technology or other forms of advancements are killing us.  “Longevity has continued to increase in all developing countries as more food and better nutrition becomes available, and technological advancements in medicine and healthcare are implemented,” said Doctor Phibes, a scientist, organist, and biblical scholar known for defeating death in a variety of ways.  “Too much of anything can be unhealthy, so constant connection between electromagnet gizmos like cell phones could impact your brain or other tissue I suppose.  Still, there are probably additional factors present in the body like Coca Cola, birth control chemicals, cholesterol med’s  and annoying relatives chatter because they won’t quit talking.  The cell phone technology could play a very small factor if any at all.”

Fox News reported yesterday that Dr. Khurana produced a study showing that cell phone use could kill more people than smoking.  The study is said to be the most damning indictment of cell phone use ever.  According to a U.K. report cancers take at least 10 years to develop, which has influenced earlier cancer studies showing relative safety when using cell phones.  Khurana based his assessment on the fact that three billion people now use the phones worldwide.  That is three times higher than people who smoke.  Smoking kills some five million globally each year. 

Bank of America’s Scott Craig said that Apple will be producing 11 million iPhone’s for 2008.  Craig says a portion of the iPhones will be the updated 3G iPhone expected to be commercially available in June.  Analysts continue to predict that at launch Apple will have about one million 3G iPhone units available.  Meanwhile Apple is expected to continue producing the slower, 2.5G, iPhones.  Some people think that the slower phones won’t kill you as fast.

“You’ve heard the saying ‘speed kills’ and so have I, so I believe that the faster cell phone you have, the quicker it scrambles your brains and causes cancer,” said Natty Dresser, a wonton female philosopher whose questionable ideas are usually offset by her attractive clothing.  “You can talk as long as you want on a phone as long as you take your time doing it.  It’s the speed and stress that’s switches the brain cells into overdrive which results in cancer.  That and the brains natural tendency toward suicide when your kids or your mother-in-law calls for the fifth time in two hours to talk to you about the same shit over and over again.  Some things will make your brain go haywire no matter what you do.”

In other news, Yahoo is launching a website for women called “Shine.”  They say it’s a “lifestyles destination” for women ages 25 to 54.  No word on whether it’ll help women avoid brain cancer, but experts say that by turning off the cell phone and taking up smoking women can both suppress their appetite thereby losing weight, and relax their minds, the combination of which can add years to their lives.  Reportedly Apple Inc. shares fell on the news and RJ Reynolds Tobacco Company traded higher.

(C) 2008

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