Vegetarians and Lawmakers Gone Wild

Strippers and Carrot Juice, Your Place or Mine

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 2, 2008

The International Herald Tribune reported last week that Portland, Oregon is so loaded with vegans and strippers that Johnny Diablo decided to open a business to combine both.  Meanwhile in South Carolina lawmakers are considering a bill to stop lap dancing no matter what customers are eating and drinking.  The debate over human and animal rights rolls on.

“I can dance how I want and eat whatever, whomever and wherever I want, because I’m in a free country,” said Frieda Friskmi-Plenti, a muscular red head who loves words and phrases with double meanings and uses them whenever possible.  “If the market indicates a meatless club can be successful, I say whatever; but a law says strippers in a club have to stay six feet away from a customer just because?  I don’t think so.  Isn’t freedom supposed to be about freedom?”

Some citizens disagree with Friskmi-Plenti and say that arbitrary law is good because it generates revenue and stimulates the economy.  “The more unusual and arcane a law is the greater the likelihood that it’ll be broken and that’s good for business,” said lawyer and Carolina lawmaker Shifty Verdict, a tasteless guy whose only redeeming quality is his ability to mail his taxes in on time.  “I have bills to pay and arbitrary things to buy that I don’t need and it takes cash to do that.  Not everyone is a government employee in D.C. and protected by indecipherable bureaucracy.  Some of us have to make money by creating and deciphering local laws.”

At the Casa Diablo Gentlemen’s Club in Oregon, soy protein has replaced beef in the tacos and chimichangas and the dancers wear pleather, not leather.  The owner, Johnny Diablo says he hasn’t worn or eaten animal products in 24 years and is worried about cruelty to animals.  He says its okay to exploit women but animals should be left alone.  In South Carolina exotic dancers would have to stay six feet from strip club customers and clubs would have to close at midnight under a bill now being considered by House lawmakers.  Lawyers there say that there’s no constitutional right to lap dances.  The activity in both Oregon and South Carolina offends cannibals.

“I want South Carolina chicks close so I can browse the meat case and decide what I might want to munch on, and anyone in Oregon who prohibits consuming flesh but is okay with displaying the temptation is a sadistic bastard,” said Armin Meiwes, a self-confessed cannibal who values old fashioned tribal customs like eating the flesh of your enemies and occasionally killing people and animals indiscriminately.  “Social mores have gotten in the way of ancient traditions like eating human beings.  Vegetarians and people who will only eat animals both have it wrong.  In the future, we will understand that all values are arbitrary and contrived by individuals who wield power and want control.  The truth is; there are no rules.”

In related news, many Americans continue to believe that the rule of law benefits society and that some limits on personal freedom are necessary to retain peace and societal progress.  “But I’m still going to vote Democrat anyway,” said a U.S. voter claiming to be a legal citizen.  “What can I say, I like living on the edge.”

(C) 2008

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