Movie Historian Reveals Truth on Death Bed
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 3, 2008
Film historian and well known Duck Whisperer Mambo Pi, passed away quietly last evening in her Malibu home at the age of 123 years, six months and five days. Before slipping into the twilight that is death and away from the celluloid sky that is movie-land, she coughed out a few unusual facts in addition to part of a lung. One of them is setting Hollywood on its ear: the movie Gone With The Wind was originally a German stag film with Scarlet O’Hara sleeping her way across the American South, while Rhett Butler chased sheep and sold cotton to cross-dressing Arabs. Even in the whacky world of Tinsel town, no one saw this coming.
“I’ve been a connoisseur of stag films for years and have seen everything from late 1800 French flicks to Marilyn Monroe’s ‘Baseball Bang’ and Barbara Streisand’s ‘Gay Grapes and Gravity,’ and nothing surprised me until now,” said Candy Barr, a movie buff often confused with someone else and who is occasionally seen doing things she won’t admit. “If I had a secret like that I’d cough out a lung too.”
Not everyone thinks Gone With the Wind was originally a German stag film. “The German’s wouldn’t stand for it, they like linen and won’t tolerate cotton,” said Neville Chamberlain, a former British prime minister and an expert in understanding German likes, dislikes and the real reason they marched into Poland in 1940. “Margaret Mitchell’s novel was in the old South and there was way too much cotton down there for the Germans to do a stag film about it. Why, I once knew a German who stopped wearing underwear altogether once they were only made of cotton. Nope, they wouldn’t do any stag film involving cotton.”
Filmmakers insist that Gone With the Wind is a 1939 non-pornographic film adapted from Margaret Mitchell’s 1936 novel of the same name and directed by Victor Fleming. The film which was set in the American South in and around the time of the Civil War, starred Vivien Leigh, Clark Gable, Leslie Howard and Olivia de Havilland. It told a story of the Civil War and its aftermath from a white Southern point of view. It was awarded eight Academy Awards. Stag films are early versions of what are referred to as porn film today, a thriving, financially profitable business segment. The films, old and new, occasionally used a plot but mostly just involve sex and nudity. The debate over Gone With the Wind is one of many that occur every year when people spill their guts before they die.
“You hear all kinds of stuff on the death bed of folks in the movie business,” said Cease Andisist, an L.A. coroner who often tries to stop people from speaking out of turn, especially if it makes them look too silly. “This one guy admitted he was really a woman and I remember one woman who admitted she was a guy and actually the current American president. You hear about indiscretion, request for forgiveness and once in a while an advertisement for an upcoming film that they invested it. Silly stuff from some sad stiffs that’s for sure.”
In other news, truth and fiction continue to be debated in Hollywood and Washington D.C. Sometimes the two towns are even interchangeable.
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