No sex for married Japanese, plenty for teachers and students in UK, US, AU
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 4, 2008
The U.K. Guardian newspaper reported this week that according to a report by the World Health Organization, a quarter of married couples in Japan have not had sex in the past year and almost 38 per cent of married couples in their fifties have none ever. Meanwhile, in Australia a teacher admitted getting a student pregnant and paying for her abortion; in the U.S. Mary Kay Letourneau got a $200,000 advance on her book about sex with a schoolboy, and there were three arrests in Florida of women teachers having sex with young boys aged 14 to 17. Last week the Edinburgh University Debates Union in Scotland asked pupils to debate if they should be allowed to have sex with their teachers. Japanese of both sexes are now seeking to enroll in foreign grade schools so they can at least have sex with the teachers, now that they’ve given up on their spouses.
“It’s not that I have to have sex all of the time, but when I know that Australian grade school kids are banging teachers more than my husband and I do each other, it seems like maybe I could use a little schooling in the West,” said Yuri Kute-Won, a lithe Japanese housewife with parts in the right places and an attitude to match. “I can pretend I’m a sixteen year old girl if that’s what it takes to get some action.”
Not everyone likes the idea of unbridled sex between students and teachers in the West, regardless of the shortfall in Japan. “We shouldn’t be encouraging this, and debating clubs chatting it up doesn’t help either,” said Wett Bankett, an economist caught up in societal stability and stuck believing in the benefit of long-term relationships. “I know that we’ve been handing out free condoms to kids for several years now, and that in New England the schools are dispensing birth control pills and patches to eleven year-olds. That’s all fine on the face of it, but I worry about some of the economic implications. Strip clubs and hookers will have a hard time turning a profit if all the kids are having sex with adults as well as each other. Sex trade in the West will grind to a halt and that’ll hurt the economy because there’ll be oversupply and drive down prices for sex. And these freelancing kids may not just hurt the economy; they also risk pregnancy and sexually transmitted disease. These P.E. and health classes can only teach them so much you know.”
According to the report by the World Health Organization, a quarter of married couples in Japan have not had sex this past year, and the problem worsens with age. While the study found that the 42 per cent of couples in their twenties who had lived together for fewer than five years had sex at least once a week, almost 38 per cent of married couples in their fifties have none. According to one study a fifth of Japanese husbands say they are bored with intercourse, while about 15 per cent say they are simply too tired. A similar proportion of women agree that the spark has gone out of their love lives, although fewer than one in 10 blames their lover’s poor performance in bed.
Florida teachers Stephanie Ragusa, 28, Mary Jo Spack, 45, and Lisa Marinelli, 40 were arrested for having sex with children in Florida within the last couple of weeks. Some people are growing concerned with the rash of illegal-teacher-sex-with-student arrests. There have been some calls for studies to look into the reason why teachers are having sex with students, but as near as any one can tell it’s because they want to.
Edinburgh University Debates Union’s (EUDU) in Scotland held a contest this year asking school pupils to debate whether they should be allowed to have sex with their teachers. At least one school complained about the appropriateness of the topic, forcing EUDU to issue an apology. EUDU spokesman Ed James said: “This is a topic which has been debated in school debating societies for some time.” Peter Kearney, spokesman for the Catholic Church in Scotland, said: “It is a very sad sign of a dramatic fall in standards of morality that this sort of drivel is the best thing that Edinburgh’s student debaters can come up with.” Sex or lack of sex continues to be a topic of debate and appears to be more important than global warming.
“We all know that the earth has been growing warmer for centuries, ever since the end of the ice age, and there’s nothing we can really do about it but piss and moan,” said Nifty Case, director at the Center for Constant Sex at All Ages and in All Locations (CCSAAAL). “But we don’t all get to have sex all the time with whomever we want and wherever we are. And we could if we’d all agree too. We’ve got a good start with that idea in schools in the West and it’s been a fun project to work on. The Japanese do have a long way to go though. They have great electronic technology but can’t screw for shit. Good thing the teachers in Florida are making up for it. They help me have faith in the future of indiscriminate sex and I like that.”
In other news, Bill Clinton says that during his presidency he did everything possible to encourage sex with young people like interns, and tried to set an example for teachers and students to follow. “I regret that I didn’t spend more time in Japan,” he recently said at a family gathering of Sex Kin And Naturally Kinky (SKANK) members in Arkansas. “But try as I might, I just couldn’t do everyone. Let it never be said that I didn’t try my damndest though.”
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