Taller and Sexier with Science

Put that bump where you want it most
New silicone head implant gives you new height

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 7, 2008

Australia’s Herald Sun newspaper reported last week that there’s another way to be taller than putting lifts in your shoes.  It’s putting silicon under your scalp and adding up to 5 centimeters to your height.  In addition to silicon breasts, abs, calves and buns, now we’re tucking it under our hair.  Suddenly the idea of silicon based life forms is no longer out there in space somewhere, it’s all around you.

“The use of technology to enhance our physical attributes is the beginning of our transition from carbon-flesh based beings into silicon based humanoids and ultimately our becoming bio-techno genetic-hybrid creatures that combine the best of science, genetic manipulation and electro-hydro tech inside an everlasting biped once referred to as ‘man,'” said partially silicon-based  life form, Andrea “Knockers” Spielman, a scientist and prostitute whose experiments in silicon, hydraulics and internal combustion engines is legendary.  “We age and break down because our DNA tells our bodies not to replicate our parts properly and after several cell regenerations things no longer look or work the way they used to and that sucks.  Using alternative parts and hacking and reprogramming our DNA code, there’s no reason we can’t last forever or have orgasms that last a couple of days.  I’m working on both problems and will be happy to reach either objective.”

Not everyone likes the idea of manipulating life science to improve the human condition, or at the least think we should put limits on the amount of acceptable changes.  “I’m okay with vaccination against disease, and I’m okay with sucking the fat off my thighs, maybe even tucking a little silicon here and there,” said Betty “Sagin Wagin” Moore, a thoughtful and kind woman who detests her nickname even more that the parts that droop.  “But we shouldn’t be rebuilding ourselves wholesale or we’ll become something that we’re not.  As human beings we do grow and develop and age and die.  It’s the natural order of things and we shouldn’t try to change that.  I guess I’d be tempted if I knew that flipping a switch would make me look and feel like I was twenty and I could jump the school kids the way a Florida teacher does, but still, it seems wrong somehow.  Shouldn’t ethics play a role someplace?  How do I decide whether it’s okay to replace a sixty year old leg with a bionic one versus sticking silicon tits on a 17 year old?  What should tell me its okay to put a hydraulic penis on a fifty-five year old guy, but a fifteen year old girl shouldn’t have a two day orgasm caused by a genetically modified spider plant?”

The Australian newspaper Herald Sun reported that Dr. Luis de la Cruz developed a 90-minute operation during which an incision is made in the side of the head and a silicon implant squeezed in between the skull and the scalp.  It’s a new way of adding up to 5cm to a person’s height and a procedure to help people who would normally be too short for jobs with a minimum height.  Dr. de la Cruz, 47, has already carried out the operation on 17 patients.  He claims would-be soldiers, police officers, flight stewards, models and firefighters are lining up for the surgery at his Madrid clinic.  The operation costs from $8500 and is performed using a local anesthetic.  Patients are usually released from hospital the next day, and the only sign they have had surgery is a small scar, usually covered by their hair.  Ethicists are struggling with the meaning of the word “tall.”

“Artificial tallness is not sufficient to declare a person tall, they are not really tall, they are faking tallness,” said philosopher and fry cook Marcus Aurelius Greenwald, flipping burgers for a questionably named sandwich called the Whopper.  “You can’t fake tall, it’s just not right.  I suppose if we were to measure the person the numbers would show tallness, but they’re not truly tall.  Of course this Whopper is now smaller than a Wendy’s Triple Deluxe but we still call it The Whopper.  But what will we call a human with an artificial hip, silicon breasts, hearing aides and eyeglasses protesting a genetically modified potato that has more natural parts than they do?  And how does yesterday’s definition of a sandwich square with today’s Big Mac?  I’m so darn confused.  Hook me up to the two day orgasm machine and screw me and the damn questions.”

In other news, it’s rumored that Martians have been experimenting with organic life forms.  Reportedly they’ve discovered that organic orgasms are better than artificial ones.  No word on how long they last or if they’ve been tucking organic implants into their silicon chests to help them get dates.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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