Sex and Money Linked in Male Brains

Study results are no surprise to strippers, prostitutes or divorce lawyers

Inebriated Press
April 8, 2008

The Associated Press reports that a new brain-scan study shows that the same part of a male brain that lights up when a guy looks at erotic pictures also lights up when they take financial risks. Apparently the excitement level of gambling with money and sex registers in a similar way in guys heads. Hookers and divorce lawyers yawned and said “what’s new.”

“Science is only know catching up with what the gals down at Hot Peppers’ Spicy Lounge have known for years and years,” said Cindy “Jalapeno” Gonzalez, a local stripper, part time hooker and expert in the science of sorting men and their money. “Any girl who has ever had paper money stuffed along their g-strings can tell you that guys enjoy toying with risky sex and money almost equally. Hell, our business is damn near a science experiment with the brains of guys. You don’t need to fund a scientific study to learn this stuff. The girls here will tell you more than your research for half the cost. Just slip a few fifties our way and we’ll gladly help educate you.”

Not everyone is sure that sex and greed are married together in a guy’s brain. “It can’t be true that sex and money affect the same areas of a man’s brain, it just can’t be that way,” said Herbert Short, an unmarried unemployed guy who lacks both sex and money. “But damn, it’s sure hard to argue with.”

Northwestern University finance professor Camelia Kuhnen conducted the study along with a Stanford University psychologist. The study focused on the sex and money hub of the male brain, the V-shaped nucleus accumbens, which sits near the base of the brain and plays a central role in what you experience as pleasure. They found that when that hub was activated by the erotic images, men were far more likely to bet high on a random chance game that would earn them either a dollar or a dime. The study conforms to recent research that indicates men shown a pornographic movie were more likely to make riskier sexual decisions. Another suggests straight men think less about their financial future after being shown pictures of pretty women.

“I admit that when I see a hot chick I’ll spend whatever it takes if I think it’ll get her in the sack with me,” said Inebriated reporter Dusty Makeshift, a haphazard writer often smitten by members of the opposite sex and a guy who spends an inordinate amount of time at stripper bars and salary advance shops. “But what the hey, half the time it works out and the chase itself keeps my brain hopped up and feeling good. Now if the government check gets here to bail me out of that house I bought that I couldn’t afford, that’ll work out too. Heck I’m a victim. I’m just doing what’s hard wired into my brain. The government should be sending me checks every week to subsidize my uncontrollable behavior. It’s not my fault — science proves that.”

In other news, China View reported yesterday that the U.N. World Health Organization gave China over $190 million in aid by the end of 2007 primarily for “tobacco control.” No world on whether the U.N. executives were having risky sex when they decided China needed the money.

(C) 2008

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