German’s Invent Artificial Sperm

Faking orgasm was only the beginning

Inebriated Press
April 11, 2008

The Sydney Morning Herald reported Monday that a team of German scientists used lab-grown sperm to successfully inseminate female mice.  Twelve baby mice have been born using artificial lab-grown sperm and although scientists say the mortality rate was high, it still made male mice completely unnecessary.  Lesbians say science is finally catching up with them.

“To be able to live and love with only women and now to procreate without men is the beginning of nirvana and the new age of the female goddess,” said Stacy “Butch” Freeman, a part time Nazi who’s basically a simple girl who dreams big.  “Women’s suffrage has evolved into the 21st century and science is now going to enable women to void men altogether.  The combination of embryonic sexing and selection coupled with artificial sperm will at last allow us to get pregnant without men and never give birth to a male child.  No longer will women like me have to dream of a male holocaust to wipe out all the gender deviants known as men.  They can die out of their own accord and never be replaced.  I get goose pimples just thinking about it.”

Not everyone signs on to the artificial sperm making machine and a man-less future nirvana.  “I do men for fun and profit and when I decide to retire, it’ll be with a guy who has all the old fashioned parts that guys have,” said Mary Tyme, a hooker from Queens who doubles as a social scientist and food critic.  “Forget the assholes; there are a lot of nice guys out there.  Call me an old fashioned gal from an old fashioned profession with old fashioned tastes about how I get knocked up if you want.  I don’t care.  I like the classics.  Especially hands-on tactile ones who rub me the right way.  Ain’t no lab or lesbo doing that for me.”

Genetic scientists at the University of Goettingen in Germany produced 65 mouse fetuses using sperm which was grown from embryonic stem cells, according to a Deutschlandfunk radio report.  However, the mortality rate was high, said Dr Wolfgang Engel, director of Human Genetics at the medical university.  “We started out with 65 embryos from egg cells which had been inseminated by the sperm-like cells created in our lab.  Of those, 12 reached full term and were born.  But seven of the newborn animals died within a period ranging from three days to five months after birth, of causes which we have not been able to determine,” he said. 

Scientists say artificial human sperm could come to the aid of infertile men even making males totally redundant, permitting women to give birth without a biological male mate.  A sperm cell from an embryonic stem cell would still not give an infertile man a biological tie to his child, however.  It would not be any different than using donor sperm.  Engel’s team has now turned to generating sperm from very early germ cells taken from the testicles.  Reportedly male volunteers are reluctant to participate.

“I appreciate scientific inquiry and efforts to develop new solutions to infertility, but I’ll be damned if I let some scientist chop away at my gonads to see if he can create sperm cells,” said Bob Rob Tom, a simple guy who sat with his legs crossed and winced a lot during the interview.  “Heck the gonads themselves create sperm cells, scientists don’t need to chop pieces off my parts and experiment with them.  These sadistic bastards have got way too much time on their hands.”

In other news, Bloomberg reported that a new survey published in the Journal of Sexual Medicine says that one more minute may be the difference between an “adequate” lover and an unsatisfactorily short performer.  The survey of sex therapists found that three to seven minutes was “adequate” time for sexual intercourse between a man and a woman, while two minutes or less was “too short.”  The results suggest that most people have “unrealistic” expectations about sexual performance.  No word on whether the survey addressed the performance expectations of insemination in a lab with fake sperm.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on German’s Invent Artificial Sperm

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.