Scientists Use Brain Enhancing Drugs

Are they cheating like DNA doping athletes?
Definition of fairness in flux

Inebriated Press
April 11, 2008

WebMD reported Wednesday that one in five Nature readers — mostly scientists — say they boost their mental performance with drugs such as Ritalin, Provigil, and Inderal. While 20 percent said they were users, two thirds said they knew colleagues who used “cognitive-enhancing drugs.” Debate over whether enhancement is fair or cheating rages among businessmen and lawmakers, as well as athletes on steroids and women with lumps of silicon in their chests. The question: where does fair end and cheating begin?

“Fairness is in the eye of the beholder,” said silicon based life form Pamela Anderson, juggling her breasts like beach balls and mentally rebalancing her massive stock portfolio. “You do what you need to do to get by and you change what you can change if it gains you an advantage. I’m one of the richest ‘dumb blondes’ around because I understand how to make it work for me and which assets to leverage and when. You boost what you need to boost. Those who don’t are also-ran’s.”

Some people think that artificial enhancement of brains, chests and muscles are wrong, unnatural and dangerous. “It’s taken millions of years of accidental events to fine tune human life forms into the carefully balanced and near perfect beings that we are, and we shouldn’t tamper with that,” said Zigfeld Folly, an environmentalist, animal rights supporter and activist who feels that people shouldn’t impact themselves or their environment because the current state of perfection demands that no one moves. “We are gambling with ourselves and the people of the future when we ingest or install unnatural elements into ourselves in order to alter who and what we are. Is near term gain so important that we’ll risk becoming freaks or zombies, maybe even lose all we have including a healthy well-balanced future? We have to stop this madness.”

WebMD said the online poll from Nature magazine didn’t ask readers how they felt about professional athletes using drugs to enhance their physical performance. But when asked how they felt about professional thinkers using drugs to enhance their cognitive performance, nearly 80% said it should be allowed. When asked how big an effect the drugs had on their mental function, most users gave them a 3 or 4 on a 5-point scale with 1 being “mild” and 5 being “large.” Dr. Anjan Chatterjee, a neuroscientist at the University of Pennsylvania, predicted that the use of these drugs and other “neuro-enhancing” products and procedures will continue to grow in popularity as they become available. Some experts say the debate isn’t about cheating, it’s about progress.

“Nearly all human endeavors resulting in major societal advancement has involved risk, change and oftentimes fierce debate that slashes away at traditional moral fabric,” said scientist and deep thinker Barry Bonds, a misunderstood amateur chemist and occasional baseball player. “Those content to stand still or fight against progress on moral grounds will not build the advancements needed to secure a brilliant new future, or at the very least, will be left with the same shoe and hat size they had when they were young adults. These are the tired values of those caught up in societal stability and peace through negotiation. Well I do what I want, and I’ll carry the future with me.”

In other news, the BBC reported yesterday that investigators searching the temple of a polygamist sect in Texas found a bed in the temple compound used by men to have sex with their under-age “wives”, court papers revealed. Girls as young as 13 were “spiritually married” to older husbands in the sect, investigators say. The search turned up documents mentioning a 16-year-old girl who had four children and a man living at the site who has 20 “wives”. No word on how much brain enhancement medication will be necessary to fix the bastards in charge of this mess.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on Scientists Use Brain Enhancing Drugs

Filed under Humor, IP News

Comments are closed.