Says it proves she is can handle terrorists as President
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 14, 2008
Speaking at a campaign fundraiser presidential candidate and Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton said she remembers the day she shot and killed Frank and Tom McLaury and Billy Clanton at the OK Corral. She said that her gunfighting skills are more than adequate to defend U.S. interests abroad and that neither Barack Obama nor John McCain is as capable as she is.
“I remember distinctly going to Tombstone, Arizona, to encourage condom use and promote national health care, and when I climbed out of my carriage at the OK Corral the Earps and Doc Holliday were pinned down under the McLaury gangs’ gunfire,” said the presidential candidate moving past her previous statements of sniper fire in Bosnia to a deeper form of gunplay reality. “Well I did what any upstanding future candidate for the U.S. presidency would do. I drew my pistol and pegged both McLaury’s between the eyes and knocked Billy Clanton on his ass when I shot off his belt buckle. The Earps were whining and crying and scared to death, so I blasted Clanton point blank in the face and watched Ike Clanton and Billy Claiborne run like hell. I’d have shot them too, but I was getting late for my talk on health care reform at the Palace Saloon.”
Not everyone thinks Hillary was involved in a gunfight at the OK Corral or under sniper fire in Bosnia. “The film clips of Hillary in Bosnia clearly show her and Chelsea out hobnobbing with locals, getting bouquets of flowers with no bullets whizzing overhead,” said a drunken CBS News correspondent accidently giving the straight story. “And the OK Corral fight was in 1881 and no matter how old Hillary looks she can’t have been around that long ago. Better check with John McCain though, he might have been there and may have something to say about it.”
Recently under the stress of a long hard campaign for president, some of the Democrat candidates have begun telling bold faced lies that even drunken journalists and far left radicals have had a hard time spinning into positive news stories. Presidential candidate Clinton waxed nostalgically about the days of running beneath sniper fire in Bosnia and Barack Obama chided Americans for being too patriotic and wanting him to wear a flag lapel pin. Obama also hung out with a black racist white-hater at his church for twenty years but says it didn’t influence him. Historians say it isn’t unusual that candidates embellish their records and occasionally fabricate entire events so they can be seen in a more positive light.
“I remember when Bill Clinton was running for president and told everyone he was a poor boy from Hope, Arkansas, toughing out poverty and just trying to get by,” said Zippy Long, a mathematician who maintains a massive spreadsheet listing the former presidents’ indiscretions. “It turned out he was upper middle class, grad schooled in the U.K., smoked dope but didn’t inhale, all kinds of goofy shit. I get a special chuckle when I remember him saying to women ‘I feel your pain’ when they expressed concerns they had. What he was feeling was their tits and ass beneath their clothes. Crazy bastard. He won two terms though. Got to give him credit. The bullshit sold.”
In old news, former president Ronald Reagan once said, “The best minds are not in government. If any were, business would hire them away.” If that’s true then I guess that’s why we’re left with Democrat candidates channeling gunfighters and racists.
(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com