Jimmy Smiles While Iran Arms

Iran Adds More Nuke Tech;
Jimmy Carter May Stop by to Say “Hi” on Way to Hamas Chat

Inebriated Press
April 14, 2008

Former U.S. president Jimmy Carter has scheduled a visit with the terrorist group Hamas in Damascus for this week, CNN reported last Thursday. And Iran announced on Friday that they’ve installed 500 more centrifuges at its Natanz uranium enrichment complex. While Iran continues to work toward a nuclear weapon and funds the destabilization of Iraq while providing weapons and money to terrorists including Hamas, the former president feels a chat about things will help clear up misunderstandings some in the West have of the Middle Easterners intentions.

“I remember when I was president and my daughter was nine years old, we used to have long intellectual conversations about nuclear proliferation and how many M&M’s would fit into a Mason jar,” Carter said last week at a meeting of Wishful Thinkers and Space Cadet’s, a think-tank he established while feeling bored and ignored one day. “It’s important that terrorists and their enablers have the opportunity to feel increasingly relevant in this fast paced global society, and when the West ceases to placate them and coddle their hopes for wanton destruction, they feel bad about themselves. I’m planning to hang with Hamas for a while and encourage them to keep the faith while they wait for Obama to take the helm in the U.S. and then help them out with new funds that the U.S. will give the U.N. for distribution to homeless people like them. It’s the least I can do.”

Not everyone likes the idea of a former U.S. president giving a global platform and increased political relevance to indiscriminate killers no matter how senile the former U.S. leader has become. “Looks like Jimmy has wandered off the ranch again and into traffic. I wish Roz would look after him better,” said an unnamed U.S. State Department official, chewing Tums by the fistful. “It’s not like we don’t have enough problems in the Middle East without goofy ex-leaders running around shooting off their mouths about stuff they didn’t grasp when they were in office let alone now that they’re completely out of touch. Looks like it’s time to switch to Tylenol.”

CNN reported last Thursday that the Bush administration urged former President Jimmy Carter not to go forward with plans to meet with the leader of Hamas, according to the State Department. Reuters reported on Friday that Iran said it had installed almost 500 more centrifuges at its Natanz uranium enrichment complex, the official IRNA news agency reported; as Iran continues to defy international demands that it halt such work. State Department spokesman Sean McCormack said that Hamas is a terrorist organization, and it is not in the interest of U.S. policy or in the in the interest of peace for Carter to have a meeting with them.

Israel’s Binyamin Netanyahu speaking in the “Russia, the Middle East and the Challenge of Radical Islam” international conference in Jerusalem on Wednesday said, “Iran will be the first nuclear state in history against which deterrence won’t work, even if the deterrent is nuclear. Nothing will stop the Iranians – not the use of force and not a fear of being hit in retaliation,” he said, adding that “every Israeli withdrawal from territories it controls leaves room for Iranian terror to enter.” But not everyone is concerned about Iran, Hamas, Al Qaeda, Hezbollah, the PLO or other Middle Eastern social clubs and enablers.

“Jimmy Carter gained a lot of understanding during his failed attempt to rescue American hostages from Iran back when he was president, and this has helped him to grasp the intellectual necessity of our approach to world influence and ultimate power in the Middle East,” said deep thinker, Holocaust denier and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, as he sat pondering the peaceful destruction of Israel and the decline of the West. “It is both an intellectual and a biological imperative that all those who disagree with Islamofascism and our Peace-Through-Beheading-or-Nuclear-Domination are obliterated from unhealthy debate through vaporization. Jimmy understands it’s only a matter of time. He’s as relevant to the current process as anyone else. It’s never been about peace through nonviolence. That’s his one error.”

In other news, Reuters reported that half a dozen Mexico City prostitutes have been arrested for using eye drops containing a sleep-inducing drug to knock out and rob their clients, leaving at least five men dead. One 39-year-old man who survived his ordeal and woke up giddy and missing his wallet, said he was careful not to let his drink out of his sight — but unwittingly ingested the drug after the sex worker secretly applied it to her nipples. No word on whether Jimmy Carter’s been ingesting drugs off of hookers nipples or if his synapses are just misfiring on their own.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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