Hot Christian Sex

Turns Out, That in Addition to the World, God Invented Sex Too

Inebriated Press
April 16, 2008

ABC News reported yesterday that more evangelical couples — once embarrassed and prudish about sex — are now leaving their Christian inhibitions at the bedroom door. Many Christians have held a negative view of sex citing Biblical teachings against homosexuality, bestiality, incest and a general attitude that love and kindness is more important than any kind of personal gratification. But now some believers have taken a step back and looked again, and discovered that God invented sex and the senses, and expects humans to figure out how to enjoy them while not behaving immorally, spreading disease, and while still loving Him and each other. They say marriage unlocks the ethical “chastity” belt.

“While Christians struggle with natural human tendencies to behave badly and harm others through word and action, we have a freedom born in our gift of salvation from God through faith in Christ. With that freedom comes the gift of marriage and the joy of companionship and sex. Once you’ve tied the knot, anything the two of you want to do is up to you,” said Faith Armstrong, a young Christian wife with a perpetual smile on her face. “Bob and I screw each others ears off in such an uninhibited way that the neighbors have called the cops twice. Thank you Jesus!”

Not everyone thinks the sex lives of the new evangelicals’ should be robust and free. “This is one more example of the West making critical errors in how to think and behave,” said Osama Bin Laden, a thoughtful critic of anything appearing uninhibited, except for the indiscriminate murder of innocents he disagrees with. “Women should all wear tarps over their heads and be screwed by a man at will under conditions that only the man sets. All marriages should be deals cut by old guys who understand tribal laws, and these infidels like the evangelicals, should be murdered by beheading in their beds. God willing.”

Yesterday’s ABC News article said that a Christian website,, says God’s word is both holy and hot, and filled with invaluable wisdom for sexual relationships. Pastors Paul and Lori Byerly of Salem, Ore., dispense more sex advice than Playboy magazine on their Web site, The piece said that Pastors are sermonizing and sexologists are offering conferences to help couples overcome their guilt about the once-touchy subject. The new Christian-sex genre puts less emphasis on grin-and-bear-it submission and more on mutual pleasure. Along with good sex, Christians continue to espouse the importance of faith in Christ, love for others and personal responsibility. Evangelical ministers say the church should play a role in spreading the good word. Not everyone is buying what they sell.

“All things for all people all of the time with or with out marriage, with or without condoms and with or without thinking twice about it; that’s the way you have the most fun before you die,” said Flower Power, a wild and crazy gal from the 60’s who is currently a U.S. Congresswoman who battles various STD’s in her spare time. “Okay, maybe you should use a condom, but beyond that no kind of faith should be in the way. The very idea that people who believe in God also think that this Being designed sex and the senses for their personal enjoyment offends me. To be free we’ve got to break away from rules and gods and the barriers erected by popes and kings and those who try to hold us down. If we believe what evangelicals say about this, the next thing you know they’ll claim they’ve found inner peace too. They’re coming to the personal freedom party too late. They should get out of the way and let the rest of us party while they sit in sackcloth and ashes. Darn do-gooders having a great time not having risky sex. Pisses me off more than usual. “

In other news, CBS reported yesterday that Marilyn Monroe starred in a “graphic” film performing oral sex on an unidentified man, according to a memorabilia collector who says he brokered the recent sale of the film for $1.5 million to a New York businessman. The silent, 15-minute, black-and-white, 16 millimeter film was apparently shot in the 1950s, and shows Monroe on her knees performing the sex act on the man, who’s only shown from the shoulders down, standing against a wall. The article said former FBI Director J. Edgar Hoover thought the man in the tape might be John or Robert Kennedy but couldn’t prove it. No quotes by Islamofascists or Christians were in the article, but Flower Power was overheard saying, “Now that’s what I’m talking about.”

(C) 2008

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