Fear of Cancer and Nuclear Holocaust End

New Drug Prevents Radiation Damage

Inebriated Press
April 17, 2008

MedHeadlines reported last week that Roswell Park Cancer Institute has developed CBLB502, the code name for a new drug that protects healthy cells from the damage caused by radiation even while killing off cancerous cells. Some scientists say this will benefit cancer patients greatly during treatment, and others say it’ll protect regular Americans from vegetables treated with radiation to kill E.coli. Still others say that now radioactive fallout from nuclear holocaust is no longer anything to worry about.

“Once CBLB502 is available in the market, we can let Iran have nukes and no longer get nervous about eating veggies soaked with radiation from treatments to kill Salmonella and E. coli,” said Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi, slamming Jell-O shots and dreaming of Democrat domination in the White House, Senate and House of Representatives. “When we have higher taxes and national health care in place, even more of my dreams will come true. To quote my plastic surgeon, ‘this is like the merging of politics and science.'”

Not everyone sees the new drug as a way to dispel fears of Iranian nuclear ambition, but like the potential benefit against other forms of cancer. “If this drug will really protect healthy cells while radiation kills off cancerous ones, then we’ve really got something worth cheering about,” said cancer and Islamofascist hater, Milky Wayy, a busty stripper and part-time nuclear physicist who dreams of a better world free of disease, terrorism and STD’s. “Drugs can’t solve all the worlds’ problems, but it makes sense to try.”

MedHeadlines reported that radiation damage is one of the most frightening aspects of catastrophic nuclear events but, more often, cancer patients suffer the gut-wrenching side effects of the radiation that is administered in an effort to kill the tumor and save the life. In what one scientist describes as his “eureka moment,” a new drug was envisioned that has turned into a very viable potential weapon in the fights against both cancer and nuclear emergency.

The trick is managing apoptosis, or cellular suicide. When healthy cells are exposed to radiation, even at doses that produce damage than can be repaired, they instead do what seems to be suicide. Cancer cells, however, use various means of blocking apoptosis, enabling cancerous tumors to grow. By imitating this tumor trick, Andrei Gudkov and his team of colleagues were able to block apoptosis in healthy tissue by introducing flagellin, a protein made from bacteria in the GI tract, to activate the NFKB pathway. In a test the drug was administered to rhesus monkeys 15 minutes to one hour before radiation exposure. The remarkable result of this experimental trickery was protection of the animals’ bone marrow and GI tracts from destruction typically caused by radiation, and with no observable side effects. What is even more exciting is that the cancerous tumors were killed, as desired, by the radiation treatment. But not everyone thinks the drug should be developed.

“It’s of critical importance to my country and my state of mind that radiation poisoning is widely felt in addition to the explosion itself, once our nuclear ambitions are realized and visited upon the tribe in Israel and smuggled by noble freedom fighters into the United States, god willing,” said radiation specialist and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a raging philosophical peacenik who wants to cure all the problems in the Middle East through military domination. “No drug should get in the way of these important ambitions. My vision of world peace depends upon it.”

In other news, the battle against disease and radical Muslims continues. No word whether the day will come when a pill will be devised to cure both, or whether various levels of radiation will remain necessary to control their spread.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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