Donald Trump and Iraqi Government Partner to Fire Soldiers

“You’re Fired” they say in unison

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 18, 2008

Disappointed in the refusal to fight during last month’s offensive, the Iraqi Government paid royalties to Donald Trump so they could tell 1,300 soldiers and police “you’re fired.” Time will tell whether the Trump-Iraq partnership will be expanded to include a remake of the Hanging Gardens of Babylon modeled after Trump Taj Mahal, but time will tell.

“I know that the Iraqi government was disappointed in the wimp-out of their soldiers during last months initiative, so I gave them a deal on using my ‘you’re fired’ line so they could clean things up quickly,” said billionaire and comb-over aficionado, The Donald, from the back of a Hummer limo heavy laden with his ego. “I’d love to do a Trump-Babylon casino with a Nebuchadnezzar Hanging Garden theme. But people have to stop killing each other first. It’s such a waste of potential workers and customers.”

Few people think casinos and comb-overs will be coming to Iraq anytime soon. “The government of Iraq had better get a long term lease on the ‘you’re fired’ line because they’ve got a lot of work to do inside and outside of government,” said Positive Electron, a typically upbeat particle that has grown wary of the slow progress in the country. “The U.S. is pressing Iraq to make their own way and fight their own battles, but centuries of hatred between Muslim religious sects make it difficult. Some would rather risk dictatorial control and torture for the opportunity to kill old enemies instead of setting aside differences and working together for the greater good of their own children’s future wellbeing. I guess the weird morality that is okay with suicide bombing and indiscriminate murder because of some distorted view of how they can please god is so entrenched that they’ve trapped themselves.”

Earlier this week Associated Press reported that the Iraqi government dismissed about 1,300 soldiers and policemen who deserted or refused to fight during last month’s offensive against Shiite militias and criminal gangs in Basra. Last month, Prime Minister Nouri al-Maliki ordered the security forces to confront armed groups in Basra, Iraq’s second largest city. But they met fierce resistance and the attack quickly ground to a halt as fighting flared across the Shiite south and Baghdad. Since then, government officials have revealed that about 1,000 members of the security forces — including an entire infantry battalion — had mutinied, in some cases handing over vehicles and weapons to the militias.

In addition to numerous other properties, Donald Trump owns Trump Taj Mahal under his Trump Entertainment Resorts Company. Trump has plans to build The Palm Trump International Hotel and Tower in Dubai, United Arab Emirates. Reportedly it will be a 48 story hotel and residential building with an estimated cost of U.S. $600 million. The hotel is expected to be a 300 room five-star hotel. Some of the amenities will include exclusive access to a private beach and yacht club with tennis courts, gymnasium and fitness centre, stylized pools and gardens. But no Trump Hanging Gardens of Babylon are currently on the drawing board for Iraq.

“We gamble with our lives everyday we go outdoors,” said Abdul Kareem-Gamepiece, a Baghdad merchant who sells fruit and unexploded IED’s on Main Street. “Risking money at a casino would be child’s play compared to what I do to get along everyday in business. Still, the killings are mostly random nowadays and that’s a lot better than it used to be when Sadam was running things. I guess there is a bright side to everything.”

In other news, China continues preparing for the Beijing Summer Olympics and is gambling that they can clear enough smog between now and then to allow athletes unaccustomed to breathing toxic air the opportunity to perform without passing out. No word on whether they’ve lined up the “you’re fired” line in case they need to use it, of if they’ll stick with the tried and true firing squad, a long time Chinese government favorite.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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