Silicon reacts to nylon bra and shifts planets
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
April 21, 2008
The jerky dancing gyrations of a Miami model and stripper have resulted in unexpected atmospheric electron interference which shifted the orbit of the earth and moon causing a surprise eclipse last night. Scientists at the Planetary Lab and Navel Orange Works say that unless Boom Boom Brown stops dancing or downsizes her chest and avoids nylon, she could unwittingly unleash an Atlantic Tsunami off the coast of Florida. Reporting from Miami, Inebriated reporter Servis Forthree has the story.
“The bars finally closed and things began to calm down sometime around four o’clock this morning as nervous hookers and government officials started heading home,” reported Servis, from a Waste Management bin in an alley behind one of the buildings. “When the rumor began going around that Boom Boom had caused an eclipse and that a Tsunami was in the offing, folks started binge drinking and spending an inordinate amount of money on hookers and tiny drink-sized umbrella’s. At least that’s what I heard.”
Not everyone thinks that silicon enhanced breasts can alter the path of planets or that an eclipse actually occurred in the last twenty-four hours. “The Inebriated reporter is just making up the story hoping that he can spend more time with Boom Boom and her silicon,” said meteorologist and part-time gynecologist John Doe, a guy who reportedly mixes business with pleasure. “The only eclipse that occurred last night was in Servis Forthree’s brain. If he wants to make time with Boom Boom he should just ask her out and quit making up stories hoping he’ll be told to go interview her. Silly rabbit.”
An eclipse is an astronomical event that occurs when one celestial object moves into the shadow of another. A Boom Boom Eclipse is defined as a planetary event created by the celestial silicon reacting with nylon causing one planet to move into the shadow of another. Scientists dispute whether the Boom Boom Eclipse actually exists but scholars say early scientists also didn’t believe the existence of planetary eclipses of any kind, preferring instead to believe a flying dragon was carrying an egg in the way, or that it was some parlor trick. The debate over the effect of silicon enhanced breasts on planets continues.
“Silicon is the chemical element with the symbol Si and atomic number 14 and on occasion is associated with the term ‘double D.’ It is the eighth most common element in the universe by mass and occasionally occurs as a pure free element in nature,” said scientist and bingo player, Lucky Charm, a cereal eater said to traffic with leprechauns. “Based on what I know about Boom Boom, she and her silicon are acting as free elements roaming nature and I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if she’s affecting the moon, tides or the ability of men to concentrate. You can’t discount the power of silicon when it’s bouncing against stuff, nylon or otherwise.”
In other news, the movement of the planets has long been associated with events on earth and some scientists are beginning to focus more attention on the earthly impact of planetary happenings. “I think if we can nudge Mars a little to the left, we can create world peace in our time,” a mad scientist reportedly told Newspeak Magazine. “If it doesn’t work, what the heck. At least we tried.”
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