Hot Competition for Banging and Brawling

Cities Vie for Sex and Violence Titles

Inebriated Press
April 22, 2008

Forbes Magazine says Denver is America’s most lustful city but five of America’s hottest porn actresses are headed for a Williamsburg bar to proclaim Brooklyn as the randiest place in the country. Meanwhile the FBI has declared Detroit the nation’s most dangerous city, edging out St. Louis, the previous numero uno. Cities across America continue the battle it out to be on top.

“Las Vegas may have a lot of shows and it’s share of sex, but by golly our drug stores sell more condoms and that pushes our lust ranking right up there,” said some guy wearing a large prophylactic on each foot and claiming to be the mayor of Denver. “Of course, we’ve got to find something to do when five feet of snow falls and you can’t go outside. It’s better than shooting each other like the folks in Detroit. Rocky Mountain high isn’t just being on top of a big hill you know!” Being on top is important to a lot of people.

“I like being on top, it’s just how I am,” said Cindy Lou, a hot young thing who often talks about sex when she’s not comparing herself to major cities. “I’m not a dominant person by nature, but sometimes I like the control I have in that position. We’re talking about bunk beds right?”

Forbes said Denver topped their “Most Lustful Cities” list with an index of 289, which translates into 189% more contraceptives sales than normally expected for a market its size. Research firm A.C. Nielsen provided Forbes with a per-capita index of over-the-counter contraceptive purchases in major U.S. markets for the past 52 weeks. The average index was 100. Other cities that ranked in the top 10 were Seattle, Washington, D.C. and Salt Lake City. Metropolitan areas one might expect to see ranked, like New York, Los Angeles and Las Vegas, had average or below average indexes.

The Brooklyn Paper reported last week that David Moye, editor of The Naughty American, an online academic journal, said they’re having a party in Brooklyn with top porn actresses because their numbers show that Brooklyn is the naughtiest place in the country. Moye said that Brooklyn provides 33 percent more traffic to his Web site than Chicago (which Gersh Kuntzman of The Brooklyn Paper says hasn’t been particularly naughty since the 1968 Democratic Convention), and 50 percent more than Manhattan, which had long given up any claim to naughtiness.  Whether Naughty America’s numbers are legitimate or not, Brooklyn is getting the party.

Associated Press reported that Detroit pushed past St. Louis to become the nation’s most dangerous city, according to a private research group’s controversial analysis, of annual FBI crime statistics. The 14th annual “City Crime Rankings: Crime in Metropolitan America” was published by CQ Press, a unit of Congressional Quarterly Inc. the end of last year. The report looked at 378 cities with at least 75,000 people based on per-capita rates for homicide, rape, robbery, aggravated assault, burglary and auto theft. Not everyone thinks the rankings are a fair way to judge a city.

“Ranking cities based on condom sales and rapes doesn’t constitute an adequate measurement of what puts a city on top, it’s just something to talk about,” said Bambi Moore, a nuclear physicist whose name and 38 Double-E’s often cause her to be mistaken for a porn queen. “Now the Johnson Space Center with all the penis shaped rockets standing around, and entire complexes designed to control thrust and power makes Houston the real number one. That and a nice guy I know there.”

In other news, hundreds of bikini-clad women swarmed Miami Beach last week on behalf of Cosmopolitan Magazine, which was aiming to break the Guinness World Record for the largest swimsuit photo shoot in history, but they came up short. Organizers were hoping to get 1,200 women to participate in the event but only about 350 actually took part. Meanwhile, the official Cosmo helicopter flew overhead and took pictures which will appear in the August ’08 issue of Cosmo. No word on how the effort affected condom sales or if it’ll help put Miami on top.

(C) 2008

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