Astronaut Yi returns from space station
Space cadet Carter channels Hamas
April 22, 2008
The Associated Press reported yesterday that South Korea’s first astronaut Yi So-yeon, a 29-year-old bioengineer, was “scared” when she saw flames outside her window as the Soyuz space capsule she was in descended rapidly to earth over the weekend. And former U.S. president Jimmy Carter said Hamas will accept Israel’s right to exist and in a separate report Hamas said they won’t recognize Israel. Carter isn’t scared about the apparent misunderstanding. As winner of the 2002 Nobel Peace Prize for promoting peaceful solutions to conflicts, he said his own reality is what’s important.
“I’m sure that the fine Hamas terrorist in the report is simply referring to a time prior to our chat and I believe that the assurances I heard in my minds eye, is what’ll happen,” said Jimmy “I do what I want” Carter, chuckling at the U.S. State Department and Government of Israel’s insistence that he quit buddying up to groups that enjoy blowing up women and children indiscriminately. “They only seem dangerous when they kill people you know. I don’t know anyone they’ve killed so I’m not worried about them. I think they can be trusted. I felt that way about Kim Jong-Il the leader of North Korea, when Billy Clinton had me cut a deal with them. That’s worked out well. We keep sending them money and oil and they keep shaking us down. I think something along those lines can be worked out with Hamas. People may think I’m naive, but in reality I’m just a little senile.”
Not everyone believes Carter’s bumbling around in the Middle East is a bad thing. “Jimmy Carter is my favorite U.S. president and I’ve enjoyed working with him in the past and Hamas can enjoy working with him now,” said Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, a former student-terrorist who held U.S. citizens hostage in what’s known as the Iran Hostage Crisis during the Carter Administration. “It’s too bad that America elected Reagan instead of reelecting Carter, because that bastard Reagan stood up to us and out of fear we freed the hostages. As long as Carter was running things we knew we could do whatever we wanted and keep shaking him down for stuff. I hope he can play a bigger role in Middle Eastern diplomacy. I’ve always liked his style.”
The steeper-than-usual descent from the international space station by the Russian Soyuz capsule subjected Yi, American astronaut Peggy Whitson and Russian flight engineer Yuri Malenchenko to severe gravitational forces during the re-entry Saturday, making them uncomfortable. And Carter’s continued intervention in Middle Eastern politics without the backing of anyone, including the U.S. and Israel, is making the U.S. State Department increasingly uncomfortable. Bloomberg News reported yesterday that Carter said that Israel’s enemy Hamas may accept, under certain circumstances, the Jewish state’s right to exist. Hamas later said it wouldn’t necessarily accept the results of a peace referendum, the Associated Press reported, and Hamas leader Khaled Mashaal said from Damascus the group won’t recognize Israel, the agency said. By meeting with Hamas officials, Carter went against the policy of the Bush administration, which says Hamas must be sidelined until it recognizes Israel and ends violence, and ignored Israeli objections. The U.S. considers the group a terrorist organization.
Since his 1977-1981 presidency, Carter has occasionally embarked on “private diplomacy.” In 1994, he visited Pyongyang and got North Korea to say they’d freeze its nuclear program. The agreement collapsed when the CIA discovered, in 2002, that North Korea took the goodies offered by the U.S. but continued to run a covert uranium-enrichment program. Carter also visited U.S. adversaries Iraq, when it was ruled by Saddam Hussein, and Cuba. Nothing came of those visits but everyone said they had a nice time.
The Iran hostage crisis was a diplomatic crisis between Iran and the United States where 52 U.S. diplomats were held hostage for 444 days from November 4, 1979 to January 20, 1981, after a group of students took over the American embassy in support of Iran’s revolution. The crisis is thought by some political analysts to be the primary reason for U.S. President Jimmy Carter’s defeat in the November 1980 presidential election. During the election primaries and then leading up to the inauguration Ronald Reagan frequently told Iran to release the hostages or there’d be hell to pay when he took charge. The hostages were formally released into United States custody just minutes after president Reagan was sworn in.
Several former hostages allege that during the 1979 Iran hostage crisis Ahmadinejad was one of the key individuals holding Americans inside the embassy. Ahmadinejad has denied he was present and further investigation reveals that he may not have been on site, but did assist in planning the embassy takeover and approved it. Experts say that whatever happened is now in the past and its best that we don’t learn from it.
“History is archaic and shouldn’t be counted on for knowledge, it just gets in the way of arbitrary diplomacy and individuals out for a good time,” said Eager Beaver, a nymphomaniac who moonlights as a nuclear physicist and diplomat when she’s not hooking. “You have to look beyond the concerns of past experience with liars, cheats and the risk of disease and terrorism or you won’t cut the same deals over and over again. And those same deals are important to fringe groups and the 24 hour news cycle. I know that I wouldn’t be where I am today if I’d paid attention to all those safe sex promotions. Of course I wouldn’t be on all the meds’ either, but hey, there are trade-offs to progress.”
In related news, Russian flight engineer Yuri Malenchenko said it was not yet clear what caused the Soyuz capsule’s unusual descent. Experts plan to determine what happened by studying the event more closely. Reportedly Jimmy Carter said the experts should be ignored because they’re probably negative thinkers like Israeli officials and the U.S. State Department. “All you really need is optimism,” he said.
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