The Government and Cannibals Want a Piece of You

Congress Okays DNA Collection by Federal Agencies
Cannibals Eye People on MySpace Like Kids in a Candy Store

Inebriated Press
April 23, 2008

The U.S. government and cannibals from around the world want you. And not the way a lover does. One wants a piece of your genetic code and plans to house it like fingerprints and the other wants your flesh and plans to consume it with red wine or Pepsi for dinner. The ongoing effort by introverts to keep to themselves and the rights of you and me to decide who we share our lives and our bodies with is heating up.

“The government only wants a small piece of you so they can expand their DNA database so it’s available in the event of a crime, or some other reason they come up with. It’s not much different than them having your fingerprints, taxing you, issuing you a passport or other ways of gradually possessing more of you and your money,” said Innocent Bystander, a forthright person often found reading fairytale stories and studies espousing the benefits of government growth. “Some people give an arm or leg to the IRS every April and other than whining a bit, they think nothing of it. What are few cells from our body. Once the Dem’s have the presidency plus both houses of Congress they’ll control your life anyway. It’s for our good. It’s not like lawmakers and bureaucrats are cannibals who only want to kill and eat us. They merely want control.”

Not everyone is convinced that giving the government control of our genetic code is what America’s founding fathers had in mind. “Blood sucking bureaucrats have gradually been removing my freedom and inhibiting our right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness in a way we damn well please to pursue it. And now they want my genes on file? Well screw them and the horse they rode in on,” said Dam Strait, a Montana cattle rancher who believes in free and wide open spaces in nature and government, and that cannibals should stick to eating their own kind. “One way or other the state, fed and local governments take nearly half of all the money I make, they tax the refund IRS sends me which is an overpayment of tax in the first place, they’ll tax my estate when I die even though I’ve paid all the taxes on everything already, and they make new laws every year that restrict my freedom. Now I should give them my genes too? Hell no.”

Associated Press reported last week that under authority granted by Congress, the U.S. government plans to begin collecting DNA samples from anyone arrested by a federal law enforcement agency and also plans to collect DNA samples from foreigners who are detained, whether they have been charged or not. The DNA would be collected through a cheek swab, Justice Department spokesman Erik Ablin said. That would be a departure from current practice, which limits DNA collection to convicted felons. Some say expanding the DNA database, known as CODIS, raises civil liberties questions about the potential for misuse of such personal information, such as family ties and genetic conditions. But, Congress gave the Justice Department the authority to expand DNA collection in two different laws passed in 2005 and 2006.

A new true crime book called “Cannibals” by Jimmy Lee Shreeve exposes the extent of cannibalism on the Internet. Human flesh eaters are apparently eyeing people up on social networking sites like MySpace with a view to devouring them. Eric Soames, a self-professed cannibal told Shreeve of cannibal groups circulating on the internet, looking for potential victims. Soames said he didn’t want to murder anyone, so he found ways of getting human flesh from mortuaries and even cemeteries. He’d take a sharp knife, cut bits off, and take them home and fry them up in a pan. According to Shreeve, some cannibals have no problem taking peoples lives so they can eat their fresh. True or not, some find the cannibals and the federal government eerily similar.

“Both the government and the cannibals are predators that want a piece of me. They want to be able to track me at will and take from me what they want at any given time. The government wants to grab my ass by virtue of power and the cannibals’ by virtue of deceit. Both ways are despicable,” said Honey Ann Sugar, a sweet morsel of womanhood frequently lusted after by men of all ages in addition to cannibals and the federal government. “Well they can’t have me. Only I get to decide who does. And the crazy Islamofascists and Texan polygamists don’t get to choose for me either. Who I share my DNA with and how I do it is my own business.”

In other news, the Washington Post reported yesterday that for the first time since 1918 the life expectancy is falling for a significant number of American women. The article said the trend toward a shorter lifespan appears to be driven by increases in death from diabetes, lung cancer, emphysema and kidney failure. The piece said it reflects the long-term consequences of smoking, a habit that women took up in large numbers decades after men did, and the slowing of the historic decline in heart disease deaths. No word on the effects on lifespan from government control or sneaky cannibals.

(C) 2008

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