Green Funerals and Bungee Jumping with Condoms

Can rubber trees be used for both?

Inebriated Press
April 24, 2008

Independent Online reported last week that a South African man bungee jumped 30 meters using a rope made of condoms. And Canadian Press reported that more and more people want environmentally-friendly funerals. While some people don’t know why anyone would tie something to their legs and jump off a bridge, let alone a rope of condoms, others think that a “green” funeral is the right thing to have when the time comes.

“I don’t like condoms in me or around my ankles and never have,” said Paris Hilton, a nuclear physicist often mistaken for someone else. “I want natural sex and a natural funeral. Latex and formaldehyde aren’t for me.”

Others think that natural things are overdone and not as good as chemistry. “I have more power in American society today than any woman at any time in history, and it’s all because of the invention of the silicone implant,” said Pamela Anderson, a businesswoman occasionally considered something else. “Over half of what I am and what I do isn’t natural and I’m all the better for it. So are most guys who see my pictures and my TV shows. Just ask them.”

The condom bungee jump was the first of its kind in the world and jump master Carl Dionisio said part of the thrill was getting recognition from the jumping community. Dionisio said he and his assistant, Michael “Sniper” Xaba, had been working on the idea of the condom rope for more than a year. They used 18,500 condoms to make it. “It was difficult as the condoms are slippery. When we tied knots they would just slip out,” he said. He then cut the tips off the condoms and made loops. “It took us four months to make the rope,” said Dionisio.

Green burials have been fairly common in the United Kingdom for more than a decade, and are growing in popularity in the United States, and the idea is now just coming to Canada. A green funeral typically means the body is not subjected to chemical embalming, there are no oversized, ornate caskets made of expensive wood and metal, no grave liners or protective vaults are used, there are no fancy headstones on the grounds, and no toxic emissions are released – as is the case during cremation. Instead, the body is wrapped in a simple shroud or placed in a biodegradable box, at most only a simple stone is placed on the ground to mark a burial spot, and the effect on the environment is minimized. Innovators are convinced that rubber trees are the key to a green funeral and bungee jumping future.

“Latex is too artificial, rubber should be used for condoms, that’s why they’re called rubbers, and rubber tree leaves should for be used for funeral wraps. That’s my dream for our brave new all-natural world,” said futurist and rubber tree plantation owner, Dick Green, contemplating sex and death. “Just think, a bungee jumper could leap from a tall cliff attached with a rubber band, and if he accidentally snaps his neck he can be buried wrapped in rubber right where he fell. It’s a beautiful combination of Darwinism and survival of the fittest wrapped up in a natural package the way nature intended. Brings a tear to my eye just thinking about it.”

In other news, the Globe and Mail reports that organic vodka and tequila have now become available. Both promise a full alcohol buzz but without the nasty carbon footprint. No word on whether condom-based bungee jumpers needed a couple hits before taking their leap.

(C) 2008

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