Hawking: Aliens Likely in Outer Space, Probably Stupid

We don’t know shit here, why would Martians?
And Obama’s goofball line on god and guns bites him in Penn.

Inebriated Press
April 24, 2008

Associated Press reported Monday that famed astrophysicist Stephen Hawking believes that there is life elsewhere in the universe but it’s probably primitive because intelligent life is rare. And yesterday presidential candidate Hillary Clinton basked in her 10-point victory in Tuesday evenings Pennsylvania Democratic primary, as a backwards electorate clinging to god and guns shrugged off Obama and made her day. Debate over whether there is intelligent life anywhere in the universe continues to roll on.

“Intelligence is subjective and you can’t just say some creatures have it and some don’t. It’s easy to stereotype a race, gender or a bunch of rural Americans when you’re slicing and dicing an electorate and trying to suck them into voting for you, but brain power itself is an entire science that’s not easily pigeon-holed,” said mind and brain expert Star Powers, a slender redhead whose talks on science and philosophy are often attended by guys hoping to see under her blouse. “I’ve known men who can barely walk straight let alone think clearly. I’ll bet Hawking thinks they’re an intelligent life form, when the reality is a crotch full of crabs have probably got greater mental processing power.”

Others say that intelligence exists everywhere and can’t be defined by IQ test scores or Obama’s San Francisco supporters. “Intelligence permeates the universe and evidence of it can be found in every leaf, a stone, even an unfound door,” said Existential Steve, a short man who dreams of being one with the universe and five inches taller. “The reality of god, guns and Hillary Clinton’s breasts all provide concepts of intelligence and extend to us a greater understanding of time, space and eternity as we contemplate them. Especially Hillary’s breasts. I’ve always been a boob man.”

Stephen Hawking said life on other planets is likely common but intelligence is not. Associated Press reported that Hawking’s comments were part of a lecture at George Washington University on Monday in honor of NASA’s 50th anniversary. He said it’s possible that there may not be life elsewhere. Or maybe there is intelligent life elsewhere, but when it gets smart enough to send signals into space, it also is smart enough to make destructive nuclear weapons, so we’d better watch out. He said people who claim they were abducted by aliens are weirdo’s and their stories are probably untrue.

ABC News reported that Hillary Clinton told “Good Morning America” yesterday that her win gave her a great “vote of confidence” moving forward. At a rally in Indiana, Obama pointed to some bright spots in his losing effort. He mentioned that when the Pennsylvania contest began, he was trailing by a much larger margin than the final result indicated. Some pundits say Obama’s unguarded comments to his San Francisco supporters that rural citizens in Pennsylvania were depressed and clinging to “guns and god” hurt his performance in that primary. They say he is an elitist like his pastor who claims to fight for the downtrodden while building a $10 million dollar home next to a country club. Others say Obama simply had a brain fart and it was not a sign that he doesn’t possess intelligence or compassion.

“Science has shown that 30 seconds before you say something stupid your brain starts acting abnormally and you can’t help it,” said researcher Tom Eichele, a neuroscientist at the University of Bergen in Norway. “It happens to everybody. It doesn’t mean you’re an idiot really; it’s just a short term malfunction. I’m sure that if Barack is elected president his brain will work okay most of the time. Heck, most politicians brains are only functioning at 25% anyway. It’s nothing to worry about.”

In related news, scientists said they were “spooked” when their study found that during research on the brains performance, volunteers’ brains began acting abnormally up to a half-minute before they made errors. Eichele said it didn’t appear that the brain was tired at the time and researchers simply aren’t sure why the brain messes up. No word on whether it’s a sign that earth lacks intelligent life, or if there is intelligent life in outer space, or if the whole concept of intelligence exists just in our heads.

(C) 2008 InebriatedPress.com

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