Smart Women Abandon Sex for Chocolate

Flavonoids may protect against heart disease
New study shows highly educated women have fewer orgasms

Inebriated Press
April 29, 2008

A German survey found that the more educated a woman is the less likely she will be satisfied by sex.  And scientists in the UK are planning a study to support their belief that eating chocolate every day will reduce factors linked to heart disease.  The quest for better sex and health rages on.

“I enjoy sex and chocolate and whether they study it or I go to school for more education, I don’t think it really matters,” said Candy Bangg-Wright, a muscular blonde neurosurgeon whose name often overshadows her massive IQ.  “If chocolate is healthy, great; sign me up for the national chocolate health-care plan, it works for me!”

Not everyone is taking the news as cavalierly as Bangg-Wright.  “I’m no genius but I’m smart enough to know that I haven’t had sexual satisfaction for most of my adult life.  And someone may think chocolate is healthy, but it’s put way too much fat on my ass.  I’m getting screwed on both ends of this deal and am neither happy nor healthy,” said Marge Masterson-Sergeant, a NASA research scientist and one of few Weight Watchers members who added twenty pounds in just six weeks.  “My metabolism has doomed me and I don’t know if it’s my man or my parts, but I don’t have a damn thing working right, and can only hope scientists figure something out.”

The UK Sun newspaper reported that a German survey found that brainy babes find it harder to have an orgasm – because they are too busy thinking, a study claims.  62 per cent of women who had completed their education said they often had problems achieving orgasm.  Only 38 per cent of women with a lower educational qualification said they had such problems.  The early conclusion was that smart women have bad sex.  And CNN reported that scientists in the UK are seeking 150 women to eat chocolate every day for a year in the cause of medical research.  The trial, at the University of East Anglia in Norwich, eastern England, will test whether a natural compound found in cocoa, the main ingredient of chocolate, could cut the risk of heart disease among women with diabetes.  Aspects of sex and chocolate continue to be explored.

“It did my heart good the 24 hour period I had little but sex and chocolate, and my brain rode that ride while I only periodically pondered the nature of the universe and contemplated god’s invention of the senses,” said Bobby-Ann Tomm, a young woman who doesn’t let silicon enhancement or her Ivy League education get in the way of anything.  “Who says you can’t have it all?”

In other news, Toronto is cracking down on strip clubs by increasing the cost of burlesque licenses and taking up to two weeks to provide them.  Some strippers are giving up and quitting.  The exodus is hurting strip clubs, which now frequently lack both performers and patrons.  Up to 10 clubs in Toronto have closed in the last five years.  No word on whether the city is promoting chocolate so at least everyone’s health is improving.

(C) 2008

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