Cheese Society Endorses Clinton

Says her cheesy smile trips their trigger

Inebriated Press / Tabloid Division
May 1, 2008

The Society for Random Cheese Consumption announced today that they’re backing Senator Hillary Clinton for president of the United States.  Neville Spinoza, the Society’s executive director made the announcement at a random cheese tasting competition in Wisconsin, while surrounded by cows mooing and waving their tails.  Said Spinoza: “Hillary is the kind of cheesy politician that people like me warm up to.”  Political pundits say the cheese groups’ endorsement may make the difference.

“Given the closeness of the Democrat primary with Obama and Clinton running neck and neck, we expect the cheesy endorsement to have an impact especially on cheese eaters and Green Bay Packer cheeseheads,” said election analyst Nifty Choice, standing on his hands and examining his pant legs.  “When you get right down to the nut cuttin the power of cheese can’t be overestimated.”

Not everyone thinks that people who randomly eat cheese can influence the U.S. election.  “Do you really think that voters are going to be influenced by a group of people that eat random cheeses and like Hillary’s cheesy smile?  Not a chance,” said Michelle Obama, a notorious cheese hater and philanderer according to insiders claiming to be from the National Enquirer.  “Nope, people have more respect for leftwing America haters like my pastor and gangsters like Rezco, the guy we got our house deal through.  There’s no cheese outfit going to cut in on our turf, and if they think they can we’ll just see about that.”

Recent reports that presidential candidates Hillary Clinton and Barack Obama have been looking under rocks and buying votes from anyone and anyplace they can has provided fringe political groups and even irrelevant states like Florida and Michigan some new prominence in the hard fought campaign.  Political experts say that this years Democrat primary could be the first one in history during which every gang and underworld character gets to play an important role, and even subgroups like common voters may influence the outcome.  Other pundits say that people who think that way are only kidding themselves.

“Let’s not get carried away and start thinking that more Americans are going to have an opportunity to influence who the Democrat candidate for president is going to be,” said Howard Dean, head of the Democrat National Committee (DNC), a pro-Nazi group that often completely ignores some States primary conventions when they don’t adhere to the explicit commands of the Party Chiefs.  “We set up the Super Delegate system of Party appointees sometime ago to guard against any silly individuals from getting together and having an impact on whom the Party selects as its candidate.  Anyone who believes that important decisions like that should be left to voters acting on their own initiative and thinking their own thoughts needs to be run out of the Party and sent packing to the liberal free-thinking Republicans who value that kind of silly representative government crap.  At the DNC we’ve progressed beyond simple bullshit like that and are into the really deep stuff.”

In other news, cheese continues to be enjoyed at parties, for snacking and even in some dishes for lunch and dinner.  Whether it’ll ultimately determine who the next U.S. president is no one knows for sure, but it’s worth a shot.

(C) 2008

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