Tripping One Last Time with LSD and Heparin

LSD inventor dead at 102 and now really knows “what’s out there”
Heparin provider Baxter Int’l blames China for killing Americans with “bad stuff”

Inebriated Press
May 1, 2008

Associated Press announced the death of LSD inventor Albert Hoffmann in Switzerland at age 102, yesterday.  And Forbes reported that Baxter International is pushing the blame for the contaminated supply of the blood-thinner Heparin onto the Chinese.  Hofmann experimented with LSD when he discovered it back in 1943 and sent himself on such a wild ride he thought he was insane for a while.  Meanwhile tainted Heparin in the U.S. has sent 81 people on a ride-of-no-return, according to a United Business Media story.  Death and adventure continue to be serious themes in America.

“I think that ingesting anything that expands your mind and sends you ‘out there’ is good for society and individuals, and even if it kills us and sends us on ‘that last great adventure’ sooner than we planned, we should still promote it in all schools of higher learning, and fund it with American tax dollars like condoms,” said someone channeling Timothy Leary and popping colored ‘energy pills’ by the fistful.  “We’re all going to live in space someday either on other planets or in our heads, so we need to kick the silly ecology habit and get with NASA and chemicals.  We can be wherever whenever and should get with it now.  Turn on, tune in, and drop out baby!  Everything old is new again! Back to the 60’s!”

Some people remain concerned that the Chinese are killing Americans on purpose and no amount of LSD will change their mind.  “The Chinese are long term thinkers and conspirators who want power and dominion and they’re going to get it,” said Sand E. Tyme, a gritty anti-21st-Century-Dominated-by-the-Chinese philosopher who stays hopped up on Diet Coke but won’t eat or wear anything imported from East Asia.  “I cut back on recreational LSD use after U.S. drug imports from China started killing folk’s cuz I figured LSD was probably from there too.  Over the last year China has sent us poisoned kids toys, poison toothpaste, poison cough syrup, poison pet food and now poison drug ingredients.  Do you think we’ll catch on that they’re up to something eventually, or will we all die trying to figure it out?”

Forbes reported that Baxter International Chief Executive Robert Parkinson said at a congressional hearing Tuesday that it wasn’t responsible for contaminated batches of Heparin, an anticoagulant used mostly in hospitals, and that it may have been a deliberate contamination.  The hearing was called, “The Heparin Disaster: Chinese Counterfeits and American Failures.”  Baxter, which supplied half of the U.S. market, issued a voluntary recall of the drug in January 2008 and again in February after multiple patients starting experiencing severe side effects like abdominal pain, decreased blood pressure, burning sensation, chest pain, diarrhea, dizziness, loss of consciousness and vomiting.  The drug eventually caused more than 80 deaths. 

Heparin is one of several products coming out of China that have been recalled because of problems with production.  Last year, there were recalls concerning toys and toothpaste made in China.  The Chinese government has said that the contaminated Heparin was not associated with the adverse affects and deaths.  Apparently that means Americans are just dying for no discernible reason.

Associated Press reported that Albert Hofmann, the father of the mind-altering drug LSD whose medical discovery inspired — and arguably corrupted — millions in the 1960s hippie generation, has died.  He was 102.  The Swiss chemist discovered lysergic acid diethylamide-25 in 1938 while studying the medicinal uses of a fungus found on wheat and other grains at the Sandoz pharmaceuticals firm in Basel.  He became the first human guinea pig of the drug when a tiny amount of the substance seeped onto his finger during a laboratory experiment on April 16, 1943.  He said his initial experience resulted in “wonderful visions.”  Three days later, Hofmann experimented with a larger dose.  The result was a horror trip. 

LSD was elevated to international fame in the late 1950s and 1960s thanks to Harvard professor Timothy Leary who embraced the drug under the slogan “turn on, tune in, drop out.”  But away from the psychedelic trips, horror stories emerged about people going on murder sprees or jumping out of windows while hallucinating.  Heavy users suffered permanent psychological damage.  The U.S. government banned LSD in 1966 and other countries followed suit.  Even pro-adventure activists think that societies have to draw the line somewhere.

“We all get to go on that last great adventure when we check out from life on this planet and that’s cool, but I’d like to avoid being sent there before my time by the frikin Chinese,” said Honey Cherrypop, an extremely attractive young geneticist who is so sweet she makes guys teeth hurt, pulse race and creates LSD flashbacks in men who’ve never taken the drug.  “I’m still dreaming of the day I ride the whitewater in Colorado naked while playing a tuba.  So help me god, the Chinese will never take that dream from me.” 

In related news, the Congressional committee investigating the Heparin disaster seems to be laying blame with the U.S. Food and Drug Administration (FDA) inspectors.  The FDA only inspects foreign drug makers every 13 years.  No word on why U.S. elected officials don’t blame the Chinese for manufacturing and sending us the shit that’s killing us.

(C) 2008

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