The Constitutional Right to Pursue an Orgasm and Get It
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 2, 2008
UK’s Metro newspaper reported Wednesday that a member of Ecuador’s ruling party has proposed a constitutional amendment to guarantee a woman’s right to sexual satisfaction. Meanwhile the Wisconsin State Journal reported that the University of Wisconsin (UW) is holding a seminar called Sex Toys 101. A UW notice said the lecture will provide tips and tricks. These stories both arrive on the heals of a recent German study that found highly educated women find it harder to have an orgasm – because they are too busy thinking. Now that University Prof’s and Government officials are on the job, women’s sexual fulfillment indicators will be permanently on “glow” before the end of the decade.
“Men have had sexual happiness with and without us and most of them don’t give our pleasure a second thought. Well once it’s in the Constitution they’ll go to jail if we don’t get the orgasm’s we want, when we want them. It’s high time the government is good for something,” said Zelda Zesty-Makeshift, a kind matronly woman with deep yearning, who has been making do long enough. “Liberation and equal rights were a good start, but now it’s time to enforce orgasmic law and sexual enjoyment justice. In the future ‘up against the wall and spread’em’ will have all kinds of new law enforcement connotations.”
Not everyone is sure that laws can govern orgasms and some think the University classroom is best for sex training. “The combination of Sex Toys 101 if it comes with the ability to advance to a Masters level class in Sensual Hydraulics and maybe Getting and Giving probably have the best potential for long-term sexual fulfillment, no matter what laws are passed,” said Nebbish Cologne, a nerdy guy found wandering the hauls of academia confused mostly, but always smelling pleasant. “You can’t be passing Constitutional requirements to give women orgasms on demand or face prison. Heck I don’t even know how to find them myself let alone guarantee a woman or the Federal Government I can take her there.”
UK’s Metro newspaper reported that Ecuador Assembly member Maria Soledad Vela has proposed that the pursuit of sexual happiness for women be added to that country’s constitution. Vela belongs to President Rafael Correa’s party and sits on a committee defining fundamental constitutional rights. She said women have traditionally been seen as sexual objects or in a solely reproductive role in Ecuador. She said her proposal guaranteeing women the right to sexual enjoyment would ensure women the ability to make free, responsible and informed decisions about their sex lives. Opposition Assembly member Leonardo Viteri accused Vela of trying to decree orgasm by law, saying it ‘isn’t possible.’
The Wisconsin State Journal reported that University of Wisconsin-Madison Law School Dean Kenneth Davis said a sex toys seminar planned at the Law School called Sex Toys 101, can be held as long as no commercial products are promoted or sold. The forum is to feature a presentation by A Woman’s Touch Sexuality Resource Center, which organizers said fits with their mission to promote women’s sexual and reproductive health through education. A notice of the event said “the lecture will provide tips and tricks as well as information about health, hygiene, satisfaction, and yes, the law, of sex toys.” Philanthropist Bill Gates says that if classes at the UW work out that he may be able to help his brilliant but sexually deprived wife.
“Poor Melinda is so smart that she has never had sexual satisfaction in her entire life. I’m just a nerdy billionaire computer programmer and my money can get a woman excited, but it doesn’t hit all the pleasure buttons,” said Bill Gates, a bespeckled genius known for conquering the desktop but not the mattress. “Lately she’s consoled herself by studying home building and reading construction magazines like Stud Banger. I’ve never read it myself, but sometimes Melinda goes in the other room to study it and because of her tremendous intellect she mentally absorbs and plays out the whole construction effort. I hear her moaning and groaning like she’s lifting beams or nailing rafters. Sometimes she comes out into the living room all sweaty and trembling like she’s just gotten off a construction site. Poor gal. Hopefully some combination of a university and a third world country will be able to help.”
In related news, Hartford television reported that police are investigating an incident involving a man who was shot in the groin on Lovers Lane. The victim was able to walk himself to the gurney and medical technicians then took him to the hospital. No word on whether it was a Sex Toys 101 dropout who hurt himself by accident, or an Ecuadorian SWAT team taking out the guy for failing to get his girlfriend to her Constitutional right.
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