How to Stay Happy, Healthy and Well Lubed

Fight Divorce and Improve Personal Connections with K-Y

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 5, 2008

Fox News reported last week that half of all Americans are struggling to stay happy and healthy.  And the Los Angeles Times reported that the nation’s divorce rate is hovering around 50% which represents a need for couples to connect better.  The L.A. Times piece suggested K-Y Brand personal lubricants.  The debate over how best to lube a relationship gets slippery.

“I’m known as one of the greasiest guys around and I pay no never-mind to those who feel that way, because I am what I am, and my relationships is what they are,” said Slippery Pete, the happiest Jiffy Lube franchise owner, recently cleared of tax evasion because the evidence wouldn’t stay in one place.  “I got babes up the ying-yang and rub all of ’em the right way or they’d high their tail out of here.  K-Y is fine but real studs like me insist on Valvoline.  I tried Quaker State but them Quakers are such prudes.  I don’t go for synthetic oils or silicon implants either.  I like my gals genuine and they like me plain and straight up.”

Some people think that communication, tenderness and a few bucks probably make the most difference when it comes to happiness and good relationships.  “I want a man who’ll talk to me and take time to understand my feelings, wants and desires,” said Misty Morning, a young blonde bioethicist who contemplates the ramifications of genetic modification and the benefit of an above average bust size.  “Of course the guy needs to have a good job and make decent money, otherwise all the nice talk means jack to me.  On the other hand, a good ass and half a brain done right can take me where I want to go on some days.”

Fox News reported that staying healthy and happy is a struggle for about half of Americans according to the Gallup-Healthways Well-Being Index, which is based on interviews of more than 100,000 people.  Forty-nine percent of Americans are reported to be thriving based on a personal assessment of how they feel about their lives, 47 percent of respondents are struggling and 4 percent are suffering.  Those who are thriving tend to have higher incomes, more education and less illness.  Those who are suffering have trouble meeting their basic needs, including food, shelter and medical care.

The L.A. Times article headlined, “Marriage on the rocks? K-Y to the rescue!” says that with the nation’s divorce rate hovering around 50%, there is clearly a need for couples to better connect.  The piece goes on to talk about a new K-Y product called YOURS+MINE that is “designed specifically to increase intimacy and communication between couples.”  The man uses a blue lubricant containing a substance that is “invigorating.”  The woman uses a purple lubricant providing a sensation that is “thrilling.”  And when the two mix?  A new sensation “ignites” between the two of them.  The article didn’t detail what that new sensation is or attempt to make a guess, but Slippery Pete is willing to give it a shot.

“I once mixed lighter fluid with orange juice and mayonnaise for no apparent reason and it was one wild night, so some blue and purple K-Y seems like a pretty easy experiment for me and my gal Bertha Z. Corefree.  Ole Burt and me done some crazy shit in our day, and when I want to try new chem on body parts she’s the one I turn to,” said Pete, putting salve on what appeared to be a chemical burn on his left thigh.  “Guess I’m on the right side of the Well-Being Index and if more folks frequented their local Jiffy Lube and K-Y lubricant supplier, they’d be happy as hell too.  Folks sit around contemplating shit and worrying about stuff and what’s it get them?  Depressed.  No wonder them smart German women are all frigid.  I say throw caution to the wind, slather up and try something new.  Thinking about stuff too much just gets in the way of a good time.  Lube up and party on!”

In other news, Senator and presidential candidate Barack Obama continues to try and distance himself from his twenty-year relationship with nut-job America-hater Rev. Jeremiah Wright.  No word on whether Barack and his wife Michelle are taking their minds off the problem by lubing up and getting it on. 

(C) 2008

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