The Power of Pasta or an Act of God

Can Organic Pizza Save the World from Global Warming and Blood Moon Eclipses?

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 5, 2008

The Florida Sun-Sentinel reported Friday that the organic pizzeria, Pizza Fusion, is going nationwide to sell pasta with the mission of “saving the earth, one pizza at a time.”  And WorldNetDaily reported that a minister says a rare string of lunar and solar “blood moon” eclipses set to appear seven years from now, may herald the end of the world.  The power of pasta to control future events on earth comes under debate.

“Pasta is all powerful and it’s well known that in the right hands this form of baked wheat connects with primal forces existing beyond time and space, and is present both now and simultaneously during the Mesopotamian Era when life broke forth and Atlantis became a suburb of Eden,” said Dewy Fressh, a new age mystic and faith healer who believes ardently that four out of five dentists chew gum and as such connect all people through sacred dental work.  “In it’s most natural state this pasta heightens pizzerias to the level of temples and can channel health and healing to the earth and ward off eclipses and acts of god.  I know this because it came to me one night when I was cramping and had no Rolaids.”

Not everyone thinks that pasta can save the world or stop blood red solar eclipses.  “God will do what he does because he can and no amount of mystical pizza is going to stop him, and that goes for global warming too.  Heck the earth has been warming since the end of the ice age and hot pizza isn’t going to cool it off,” said Penelope Trueheart, a buxom maiden who weaves delicate patterns of mystery and casts spells on construction workers who then pleasure her as she wishes in the late hours of the day.  “I like pizza but as a power source over and against nature, spirits and the creator of the universe, it comes up short.  I have more power than pasta in the wink of my eye, the flick of a lock of my hair and in the light that glances off the moistness of my breasts on a warm summer morning.  I just do or say stuff like that and guys around me go weak and start asking if they can get me something, anything at all.”

The Sun-Sentinel said executives at Pizza Fusion want it to become America’s “greenest” restaurant franchise and with its mission of “saving the earth, one pizza at a time,” hope to expand the franchise nationally.  Pizza Fusion’s specialty is oval-shaped gourmet pizzas and a selection of salads, sandwiches and beverages made from natural ingredients.  Workers drive hybrid delivery vehicles and restaurant interiors sport green walls made from recycled plastic bottles and energy-saving equipment.  Once the application process is complete, company executives say they’ll have Florida’s first restaurants with “green certification.” 

WorldNetDaily reported that a minister who promotes the Old Testament roots of Christianity suggests a rare string of lunar and solar eclipses said to fall on God’s annual holy days seven years from now could herald what’s come to be known as the “Second Coming” of Jesus.  The article said that in a video interview on the Prophecy in the News website, Mark Biltz, pastor of El Shaddai Ministries in Bonney Lake, Washington, said he’s been studying prophecies that focus on the sun and moon, even going back to the book of Genesis where it states the lights in the sky would be “be for signs, and for seasons.”  He said that in the Old Testament, the prophet Joel states, “The sun shall be turned into darkness, and the moon into blood, before the great and the terrible day of the LORD come.” (Joel 2:31) 

Biltz began focusing on the precise times of both solar and lunar eclipses, sometimes called “blood moons” since the moon often takes on a bloody color.  He logged onto NASA’s eclipse website which provides precision tracking of the celestial events.  He noted a rare phenomenon of four consecutive total lunar eclipses, known as a tetrad.  “If you think that this is a coincidence, I want you to know that it’s time!” exclaimed Prophecy in the News host J.R. Church.  But Hal Lindsey, a well-known biblical analyst and author of “The Late Great Planet Earth,” says while he hasn’t heard of Biltz’s theory, he called it “pure speculation.”  Still religious people and pizza zealots are getting ready.

“Seven years from today either the world ends or my pizza shop is in control of the earth and planets,” said John Dough, the owner of Blood Red Pizza Fission an occult pizzeria whose mushrooms are the real deal.  “The Pizza Fusion guys and the minister tracking the tetrad are on the right track but don’t really get the whole play.  I do.  The combination of pasta, strippers and NASA jumpsuits that make up Blood Red Pizza Fission allows me to corner psychic, spiritual and the natural powers of the universe and channel them through my pies.  People who eat my pies and get lap dances in my pizzeria connect themselves into the network that is my Pizza Fission and I become all powerful.  I just need enough customers and I’ll rule time and space.  I’ve got this seven year window to do it in.  If I can just get enough neon tubes in time, the universe is mine.”

In related news, nuclear fission is the splitting of the nucleus of an atom into parts often producing free neutrons and other smaller nuclei, which may eventually produce photons.  Fission of heavy elements is an exothermic reaction which can release huge amounts of energy.  While the amount of energy available in Blood Red Pizza Fission pies is unknown, experts at NASA say that strippers near the Pizza Fission restaurant contain an inordinate amount of influence over local men.  No word on whether NASA believes the strippers will be in control of the universe in seven years.

(C) 2008

Comments Off on The Power of Pasta or an Act of God

Filed under Humor, IP Tabloid

Comments are closed.