Love, Hair and Obsession

Addicted to Love and Full-Body Shaving
Medical or Mental, Some Say its Cabbage

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 6, 2008

The UK Daily Mail newspaper reported last week that radio and TV broadcaster Clare Catford, is suffering from a clinical addition to love.  The article said it’s an illness every bit as ruinous as being hooked on hard drugs.  And Dr. Yvonne Fulbright of Fox News reported that “fur is out,” and discussed her obsession for complete hair removal especially below the waist.  She said that shaving everything isn’t just for porn stars.  Addiction, obsession, hair and love, spin tales of tears and joy.

“I was in love with my cat Barney and became addicted to hair removal because fur isn’t trendy,” said Mabel Pye, a former WWE wrestler-wannabe whose 4 foot 2 inch 75 pound frame kept her from obtaining her obsession for misusing folding chairs.  “I shaved and polished my pussy until he fled and was last seen on a boat floating down the Nile with a cage full of bats.  At least that’s what I heard.”

Some people doubt that love can be an addiction but swear that hair can be an obsession.  “I knew a guy so obsessed with his hair that when it fell out he began wearing coon skin caps and lived in denial without a cage full of bats, whatever that means,” said Heather Graham, a steel mill worker often mistaken for an actress.  “I’ve never cared for hair trimming or guys enough to be obsessed with either and think that the concept of addiction is too much work.  I only work at the steel mill to make enough money for nail polish and toe rings.  I can’t imagine being addicted to love.  Dove chocolate maybe.”

The Daily Mail said that the day Clare Catford lay in bed shaking, crying and sweating, unable to contemplate moving from under her duvet, she knew something was terribly wrong.  Experts say Clare’s symptoms were the result of her clinical addiction to love.  Love addiction they say, is a medical condition which can cause as much physical and emotional affliction as being hooked on drugs or alcohol.   That such a condition as love addiction exists may sound extraordinary, yet it’s listed as a treatable addiction by the kind of famous rehabilitation clinics most commonly associated with drugs and alcoholism. 
Foxes Dr. Fulbright says with summer just around the corner, you may now be thinking about joining the ranks of the totally shaven.  She writes that it’s no longer simply a style concern for porn stars; it seems that everyone now – guy or gal – is giving at least some thought to pubic hair care.  Fulbright says just a hint of hair or going totally bare has throughout history been equated with the height of beauty and femininity.  Women in the Middle Ages, as seen in Botticelli’s late 15th century painting “The Birth of Venus,” were known to have kept their wares entirely shaven.  Not everyone buys into the hair removal scheme but many think love is a splendid thing.

“Hair is as natural as love and sex and all three should be obsessed over and taken from no one,” said someone claiming to be Catherine Deneuve, a French beauty with an addiction to rich food and men and who has been spotted enjoying both.  “The joy of sex and hair need not become an addiction or obsession.  Love and passion are good though.  And I’m passionate about sex and hair as well as love.  We should all be.  They are worth the risk of addiction.  Every good thing is.  But love is most of all.”

In other news, the Secret Society of Cabbage Worshippers is holding their annual meeting in conjunction with the Democrat National Convention this summer.  No word on which U.S. presidential candidate they support or whether they think politics can be an addiction or obsession.  “Cabbage is best in any case,” said their leader, Red Savoy. “It’s more nutritious.”

(C) 2008

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