Stave off Cancer by Farting; Heat a City When You Die

Your Amazing Body, Well Pam Anderson’s Anyway

Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 7, 2007

CNN’s Maggie Koerth-Baker says there’s a whole bunch of things that your body can do after you die.  Among them is getting married and helping to heat a European city.  And the UK Telegraph newspaper says a French doctor is encouraging people to cut loose their farts and in so doing, they’ll cut their risk of cancer.  The news media is giving up reporting on mundane things like war and politics and is turning to more wholesome information like farting and the dead.  No one ever said tabloid news is only for the tabloids.

“The twenty-four hour news cycle is a pain in the ass and there’s only so much anyone can take of war and politics so we need to turn to stuff like farting, things to do when you’re dead, and how to use silicon for fun and profit,” said Dan Rather, an industrial welder occasionally known as a news fabricator who traffics in cast iron and fax machines.  “Personally I think the Pamela Anderson stories are the best.  I like things soft and squishy and that goes for breasts as well as news stories.”

Not everyone likes the growing trend of trivia being called news.  “No one knows what’s really going on anymore because reporters don’t investigate anything.  They either report words people say without any context or critical examination, and then just find an alternative point of view regardless of how absurd, or simply make stuff up,” said Hapless Homily, a rather small man often accused of getting in the way of imaginary life by tossing uncomfortable reality into the air.  “Pure reporting by digging out facts and ferreting out what people really mean behind the spin and platitudes is missing.  Only Bill O’Reilly does any serious reporting and many people try to ignore him because he makes them uncomfortable.  Real news is uncomfortable.  Get over it.”

CNN, having given up on the living, is reporting on all the things your body can do after you’re dead.  They’re appealing to a market segment that Fox News hasn’t captured.  Dead people.  They reported that in China the practice of setting up deceased relatives with suitable spouses, dead or alive — is still an option.  It’s called ghost marriage.  The article said the practice of matchmaking for the dead waned during China’s Cultural Revolution in the late 1960s, but officials report that ghost marriages are back on the rise.  In 2007, there were two widely reported cases of rural men killing prostitutes, housekeepers, and mentally ill women in order to sell their bodies as ghost wives.  According to The Washington Post and The London Times, one undertaker buys women’s bodies for more than $2,000 and sells them to prospective “in-laws” for nearly $5,000.  Meanwhile the Swedish city of Helsingborg uses local crematoriums to supply 10 percent of the heat for its homes.  Cremating a body uses a lot of energy and a lot of nonrenewable resources.  By cremating dead people to heat homes, European cities who don’t believe in selling bodies to the Chinese, are able to dispose of them and help the environment.

The UK Telegraph says French doctor Frédéric Saldmann is urging his countrymen to give free rein to flatulence, sweating and other bodily taboos to reduce the risk of cancer.  He calls for a “May ’68” of the body – an emancipation for belching, breaking wind and sweating profusely.  “Eliminating” the two litres of gas produced a day by the average Frenchman “is a natural process”, he writes, adding that retaining it can be harmful to the intestines.  The French, he adds, should “dare to fart”.  Dr Saldmann also recommends throwing out anti-perspirants.  Some people say that women with silicon are more newsworthy.

“You can’t compare the importance of knowing everything that Pam Anderson does with marrying dead Chinese, daring to fart or burning a corpse to heat your house.  Knowledge about implants and silicon is what it takes to really function well in today’s society,” said Stacy Burns, a lithe blonde social scientist known for giving the clap to NBC executives in both New York and Los Angeles.  “The more we know and understand about silicon based life forms the better prepared we’ll be for when the aliens come.  We’re talking serious preparation for the future here.  None of that light weight trivia junk.”

In other real news, Silicon Laboratories (NASDAQ Symbol: SLAB) beat Wall Street profit estimates by two cents in the first quarter and guided revenue above expectations.  The Street reported that Silicon Labs said sales of its radio receiver chips increased sequentially, despite what it said is typically a seasonally weak quarter.  No word on whether dead Chinese or Pamela Anderson thinks it’s a buy.

(C) 2008

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