Trends in Future Living
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 8, 2008
Rocky Mountain News reported last week that a Denver man is asking voters to create a commission to deal with space aliens. He’s part of a growing number of people convinced that aliens are coming to earth and we need to get ready. And The Seattle Times reported that the U.S. breast-feeding rate has hit its highest mark in at least 20 years. Experts say the rise is due to educational campaigns emphasizing that breast milk is better than formula. The growing belief that breast milk is healthier and aliens are coming continues to grow.
“You can’t find a more natural and healthful food supply than the milk secreted by a woman’s breast,” said Swiss Miss, a nutritionist and healthcare aficionado who seeps knowledge the way Albert Einstein did, but is much sweeter. “I think we should be milking women and bottling it for sale at Sam’s Club’s everywhere. It’s foolish that we don’t. And as far as aliens coming to earth, I think it’s because they’re more highly intelligent life forms who are coming for women’s breast milk. I’m not kidding. It’s true, I just know it. I know stuff. I’ve always been that way.”
Some people think that obsessing about breast milk and aliens is unhealthy. “Shake it off kids, you’re getting to close to the edge,” said Captain Kangaroo, a military attaché who advises Democrat presidential candidates to cut and run from Iraq because it isn’t enough fun being there. “We shouldn’t be fighting terrorists or thinking about breasts or aliens because it detracts from our thinking about how to stop global warming by destroying all incandescent lighting. Battling light bulbs is the key to a better future. And no amount of sweet mothers’ milk will change my mind.”
Rocky Mountain News said that Jeff Peckman, a Denver man who sponsored a ballot initiative that would have required the city to implement stress-reduction techniques, now wants to ask voters to create a commission dealing with space aliens. “It is important because if you’re driving down the highway and you saw a crash of a small spaceship and a car or a bus full of kids, you really wouldn’t know what to do,” Peckman said last week. According to the proposal an 18-member ET commission would create a responsible, common-sense strategy for dealing with issues related to the presence of extraterrestrial beings on Earth.
Citing the Center for Disease Control (CDC) The Seattle Times said 77 percent of new mothers breast-feed. At least three types of CDC surveys have shown breast-feeding rates moving upward since the early 1990s, the article said. The new report is based on a comprehensive federal survey involving in-person interviews as well as physical examinations. Experts attributed the rise to efforts to educate people about how breast milk is able to protect babies against disease and childhood obesity. Some people believe that education and intelligence combined with breast milk and silicon, points to a brave new world that lies ahead.
“I am a breast milk producing woman with silicon implants and represent the most desirable bipedal primate of the new millennium,” said Sally Bio-Cyber, a statuesque brunette with a 180 IQ found desirable by men and aliens of all ages, including some bio-synthetic life forms. “Whether the aliens come or the milkmen, I am my own being and the goddess of the new age. Touch my breast and tremble.”
In related news, the California Milk Processor Board’s GOT MILK? Campaign is credited with putting life back into milk sales nationwide after a 20-year slump. No word about how silicon based aliens feel about it, but the rumor is they think sweet nutritious milk is healthy from all bio-beings and hope to experiment with the concept real soon.
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