Rocket Fuel in Your Water, Energy Drinks on Your Airline

EPA decides not to regulate fuel already in U.S. water
Southwest Airlines selling in-flight energy drinks

Inebriated Press
May 9, 2008

USA Today reported this week that the Environmental Protection Agency (EPA) has decided not to take action to rid U.S. drinking water from a toxic rocket fuel ingredient that is in the water supply around the country.  And The Dallas Morning News reported that Southwest Airlines has begun selling Monster energy drinks on its flights.  Debate over whether rocket fuel should be in airplanes instead of our drinking water, and whether energy drinks should be added to the water supply, is surging like a clogged toilet and will be around our ankles before we know it.

“We should be boosting citizens energy supply by adding sugar, caffeine, creatine, taurine and ginseng to the U.S. water supply in addition to fluoride for our teeth and some chlorine to kill bacteria,” said Hasty Driver, a reckless character who tends to act before thinking but gets a lot done when headed in the right direction.  “There isn’t enough rocket fuel in the water to get me going and I have to slam energy drinks around 3 in the afternoon for a boost.  If we had the right ingredients in our water, I’d be cranking along all day without any downtime.  Heck, we’d probably boost overall productivity and pull the country right out of recession.  It’s a public water supply and the government should be juicing it on our behalf.  I think it’s probably in the Constitution somewhere if we look hard enough.  Seems like Ben Franklin said something about it.”

Not everyone is onboard with pumping energy drink ingredients into our water supply or with letting the EPA ignore dangerous rocket fuel already in it.  “What good is the EPA if it decides that an effort to stop pollution to our water — a very basic staple of life — is too much bother for them to mess with?” asked Bobby Ann MemoryGel, a busty blonde with saline implants who despises unnatural products like silicon and Chinese food.  “The first sentence of EPA’s mission statement reads ‘The mission of the Environmental Protection Agency is to protect human health and the environment’.  What part of that statement means that for the good of human health and the environment our drinking water can contain rocket fuel?  I may not have the biggest tits on the runway but my brain is big enough to know that the EPA is sidestepping their mandate.  Well, maybe I do have the biggest tits, but the EPA is still screwing with our health by not doing their job.”   

USA Today reported Tuesday that an EPA official said there’s a “distinct possibility” the agency won’t take action to rid drinking water of a toxic rocket fuel ingredient that has contaminated public water supplies around the country.  The toxin interferes with thyroid function and poses developmental health risks, particularly to fetuses.  Ben Grumbles, assistant administrator for water at the EPA, said that instead of a regulation, EPA would issue a public health advisory, which would simply provide information.  He said EPA has yet to determine whether trying to regulate perchlorate in drinking water would do much good.  In 2007 both California and Massachusetts gave up on the EPA and issued their own regulations.  Most perchlorate contamination resulted from Department of Defense (DOD) activities. The Pentagon could face huge cleanup costs if EPA sets a national drinking water standard for the contaminant, and DOD has tussled with EPA over the issue, according to a report last week by congressional investigators.  The article didn’t say what specific states had the problem, except that it was all over the place. 

The Dallas Morning News reported on Wednesday that Southwest Airlines said that it has begun selling Monster energy drinks on its flights – the Dallas-based carrier’s first foray into in-flight sales outside of alcoholic beverages.  The plan to sell energy drinks is the latest example of the carrier’s efforts to generate revenue through new products and services to combat fast-rising fuel prices.

“Maybe if we kept the rocket fuel out of our water the airlines wouldn’t have to sell energy drinks on their flights to offset the higher costs of fuel,” asked a goofy guy who comes up with the craziest ideas.  “I mean if we weren’t drinking the rocket fuel they could use it to fly the planes, right?  And maybe if we weren’t converting our corn to fuel the food prices would come down too?  And maybe if we had more nuclear power plants and drilled carefully in one of the largest oil reserves in the world — coincidentally in our own country, in the state of Alaska, maybe we wouldn’t have to spend so much time screwing around with Arabs in the Middle East and be dependent on dictators and tyrants?  Oh well, it’s silly I know.  I should just chill out and go back to drinking rocket fuel and driving my car on grain ethanol.  I was just a little confused there for a moment.”

In other news, the Philadelphia Inquirer reported this week that the rising cost of food will most likely increase obesity in the poor.  Healthier choices will be even more out of reach, experts say.  No word on whether the recent riots in Haiti over high food prices was the result of fear of obesity or if they were just upset because their water didn’t contain enough rocket fuel.

(C) 2008

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