When You Get to the Nut Cutting, Facts are Facts
Inebriated Press \ Tabloid Division
May 12, 2008
Australia’s Mercury newspaper reported that teen magazines are defending their sex-related content saying that they are giving their girl readers the information that they need and want. And Australia’s Daily Telegraph reported that a Frenchwoman has been given a 12-year jail sentence for castrating her partner and blaming it on her dog. Sex stories and bad dogs are being blamed for all kinds of problems nowadays.
“I read this sex story my dog wrote and it turned me into a nymphomaniac and I just can’t help myself,” said Elizabeth Taylor, the wife of seven different men, who even married one of them twice, but now in her old age decided to abandon marriage and just screw guys indiscriminately. “I know about the risks of reading too many sex-related stories and having bad dogs. Most of the problems in the world today is because of dogs and sex stories. I heard that’s what messed up Osama Bin Laden and Bill Clinton.”
Not everyone thinks stories and dogs should be blamed for personal choices. “You do what you do because you decide to do it. People will try to spin blame everyplace but on themselves if they can,” said Spuds McKenzie, a hard drinking Terrier who parties with babes and beer and realizes that if he screws up it’s his own fault. “People have been laying shit on their dogs for years: my dog ate my school assignment, it was a dog who lost Hillary Clinton’s Rose Law Firm files, oh wait it was some dog who chopped the dick off that guy. Give me a break.”
Mercury newspaper reported that rival teen magazines Dolly and Girlfriend have joined forces to defend their sex-related content, saying they are giving readers important information they want and need. ACP Magazines, which publishes numerous girls magazines, said there were important health reasons to ensure young people have access to information on sexual development. The article said the magazines help when girls get their period, when they get their boobs, and other body related topics. Senator Stephen Parry said he was concerned when he learned that readers as young as 11 were writing in for answers to questions on anal and oral sex.
The Daily Telegraph said a Frenchwoman castrated her partner while he was unconscious after taking a cocktail of alcohol and medicine. The victim was rushed to a hospital in northern France with his penis sliced off. The woman told the man that her dog had bitten off and eaten his genitals. Police never recovered either a weapon or the missing body part. The woman was found guilty of chopping off the guys dick and given a 12-year jail sentence. Seriously traumatized, the man is currently in a psychiatric hospital. Publishers tell us the story will be used in upcoming editions of teen magazines.
“We’re going to use the information in our upcoming series about how girls can stop guys from cheating on them. It’s sponsored by Chicago Cutlery and we think it’ll get the point across,” said Grigori Rasputin, a part-time mystic and full-time publishing executive for young girl and older girlie magazines. “The fact is, girls want stories about their sex organs and tales of sexual exploits and how to best hack off a boys parts. It prepares them for adulthood where they can bang guys indiscriminately and alternately chop off bits of men who offend them. We’re doing society a real service. The government should be funding this stuff.”
In related news, insiders claim that Kentucky Fried Chicken (KFC) is spinning off a new franchise based on the popularity of women cutting off men’s genitals. It will be called Big Dick’s Sausage Machine (BDSM) and will feature Slice soda and ground meat in breaded “man part shapes.” Reportedly the featured slogan will be “It’s Dick Cutt’n Good.”
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